OT 7/16 In need of a laugh

[Calpitor]

An American hunter was having very bad luck in the Newfoundland outback, not bagging anything. After five dismal days he finally shot at a duck and saw it fall far off. he tramped through the bush and found it had landed in the back yard of a homestead in the middle of nowhere. He climbed over
a rail fence and was about to retrieve the bird when the Newfie homesteader saw the wet and bedraggled hunter. "What's ya doin, boy?" he asked the hunter. "Gettin' my duck," said the Yank. "Well now I figgers it's my bird, seeing as it's in my yard," says the Newfie. "Oh God!" said the Yank, "I tracked over miles of awful bush, was lost, hungry, tired, soaked, you name it. I shot this bird. Can't I just take it and go?" "Well " says the Newfie, who didn't like big smart Yankee hunters much, "tell you what I'll do, boys. We'll fight fer it." "Fight for it? You kiddin'?" asks the Yank. "I'll give you a sportin chance," says the Newfie. Here's the rules. One feller bends over and the other kicks him in the arse real hard. Who ever kicks the farthest gets the bird. Deal?" The Yank figures he's bigger and has a winning chance, so he agrees. "I'll go first, seein' as it's my yard," says the Newfie. "Bend over, boy." The Yank complies. The Newfies hails off and boots the hapless hunter, sending him face firsat into a manure pile. He splutters to his feet, wipes his face off, then says, hopefully, "Okay, your turn." The Newfie scratches his head, contemplates, then says, "No, boys. You take the bird an go, Yank. I doesn't like duck anyway."

[Calpitor]

So, dere wuz dis time, see, wen me brudder Charlie and me was takin' a truck driver's course, to learn how to drive the big rigs, eh. Like,dem 18 wheelers. So, anyways, the h'insruckter wuz takin' us out one at a time and stuff, see, to figger out wat we knowed, like braking and clutchin' and sech stuff. So, he gots ta two of us out one day, and Charlie's up in the bunk, watchin' me h'and da h'instruckter, and the h'instruckter sez to me "let's say you're out on the road, you and Charlie, as a team, and you're goin' down dis great big long hill and deres a red traffic light at the botton, and a school bus loaded with youngsters is goin' thru the green light, but your brakes aren't workin' right.You can't get the truck stopped safely.What are ya gonna do.Well, I said, I'll ask Charlie what to do. No, you can't, he said, cause he's up in the bunk sleeping. Well, by, sez I, I'd wake en op, cause he never seen a good accident a'fore.

[TJolly]

Originally posted by P3-450
Here is the best defence against car crime.


---Zipped video, 2MB---

Try this link:

http://www.ianai.net/jokes/Monkey5-high.wmv

[John7714]

Two guys were sitting on a park bench discussing getting older.

Younger Guy: So what is it like to get old?

Older Guy: Well I must say that the memory is the second thing to go.

Younger Guy: Oh, really? So what would be the first thing to go?

Older Guy: Well I would tell you but I just can't remember what it is.

[Calpitor]

Honest to a fault?

http://www.newfie.com/update/employmentwanted.jpg

[Calpitor]

Nflder wins the lottery and decides to take an around the world tour.Six months later he arrives in India and is met by his accountant at the airport. He advises the newf that he has exhausted all his money and is now flat broke. The newf then is left all alone on the street.Some time passes and the newf finds himself knocking on the door of a huge castle one day. The owner, after listening to the newfs sad story, advises him that he can return all his fortune plus much more if he could complete three tasks within the castle. The newf, fearing nothing to lose, accepts the challange. The first thing he was to do was enter a room where four bottles of the strongest liquor ever made were on a table. He was to drink the entire lot within three hours. Next, he was to proceed immediately to the next room where a ferocious lion was with a bad tooth and pull the tooth with his fingers. Afterwards he was, without delay, make love to the most horniest woman in India until she said NO MORE. The newf proceeded to the first room and in 2hrs 59mins emerged in a drunken state. In a slurred voice he asked where the lion was. He entered this room and after 20mins of screeching and scratching a trickle of blood flowed out from under the door. The owner of the castle became worried and began to feel bad that he had sacrificed the newf. Suddenly the door to the room swung open and the newf staggered out asking, "Hic,hic... where's that woman with the bad tooth!!!

[Nick Grana]

One feller bends over and the other kicks him in the arse real hard. Who ever kicks the farthest gets the bird.

Calpitor, done something similar since I was a kid. I still do it now and then still.
Get your little brother or sister (anyone will do that you think you can take if they get really PO'd) and say, "Let's play a game.
Let's see who can hit the easiest." I hold my shoulder arm toward them and they make a fist and the swing comes and stops short and barely touches my arm. They laugh.
Ok. my turn. They position their arm the same and I pull my fist back and swing but follow through hard. ( you know, hard to some and harder to some others)
They look at you in disbelief and I say, "You win."
(sometimes, get ready to run)

Good jokes all. Thanks.
Nick