OT: id10ts and P.E.B.K.A.C.

[P3-450]

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in
a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If
that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing
that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.

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Classified Mistakes

Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers:

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us
once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard,
meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to
travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience
preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom
for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head
illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an
extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it
carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for
sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful
condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of
aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family
appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find
person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to
assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of
contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in
variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your
home for $1.00.

[Sidewinder48]

I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately,
so I decided to try to figure out what it meant,
I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware, part of the control panel, then I got out all the manuals and went through them.
I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one.
So, I decided to go to the computer store and see if I could buy one, I wanted to look intelligent and scholarly, so I wore my math hat Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking woman, I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked her if she had any sex drives in stock, She kinda scowled at me and asked me if I was trying to get smart with her
figuring she had been impressed with my math hat.
I replied that I tried to be smart with everyone she said, rather rudely I thought, that she couldn't help me and walked away
huh, must not have had any in stock.

In the second store, I gave the salesperson the make and model of my computer and asked if they had any sex drives in stock,
He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive
I thought about it for a minute and told him Yeah, maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed, he started laughing at me & said something about me trying to kill him
You're killing me! something like that, and walked away,hmmmm, must be out here too, must be hard to keep in stock I wasn't trying to kill him, I wasn't even hurting him.

The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd just fallen off the turnip truck?
I assured him I'd never been on a turnip truck, but I'd fallen off the manure wagon a few times, he mumbled something about that explaining it, she's fallen off the wagon, that explains it,
like that and walked away laughing.

The guy in the fourth store said something like boob under his breath and walked away, wonder why he only noticed one?
Anyway I figured they must not carry them in stores,maybe have to order from a catalog or something.

So that's where I am now, If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it
then all I'd have to do is figure out what to do with it.

[OilPatch197]

Sidewinder, maybe you need to call Tech support!

I've heard of Phone Sex, maybe it's similar??????????

[Sarrkazztic]

Sidewinder......too funny......and for that sense of humor...I am glad to call you my friend.

[Sarrkazztic]

Originally posted by TJolly


Any known firewall for the friendship port?

Chastity Belt 6.7......and Ruger 9mm

[photolady]

Still.......rolflmao!!

I have on those oldies but goodies.

Lady asked why her floppy drive wouldn't work, she told the tech she put the disk in the floppy drive but couldn't get it to work. Turns out it was a 5.25 floppy folded in half and inserted into 3.5 drive.

[Sidewinder48]

Thanks Kazz, im more than proud to call you My friend. Sidewinder48

[SuperSparks]

Car accident insurance claims:


"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."

"No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."

"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."

"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."

"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."

"My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."

"I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

"The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."

"A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

[SuperSparks]

More insurance claims:


I sprained my wrist while putting sugar on the strawberries."

"I am a little hard of hearing so you can understand why I didn't see the cyclist."

"I admit I went through the intersection without looking to see if anyone was crossing, but I had gone through the same intersection less than an hour before and no one was there."

"I am planning to lend my car to someone who doesn't know how to drive, but beforehand can you please confirm that you'll pay for the damage he is likely to cause?"

"You are telling me that according to the civil code I am responsible for my children's action. If that's true, the people who wrote that must not have, like me, nine children to watch over."

"In place of the intersection they built a roundabout with priority for those coming from the left. Now I didn't expect that change and I lost control of my car."

"While going forward I smashed the rear light of the car in front of me. So I backed up, and in doing so smashed the bumper of the car behind me. That's when I stepped out of the car, but in doing so I knocked down a bicyclist with my door. That's all I have to declare for today."

"I rammed into a parked car and made sure not to tell the owner that I was responsible. I hope you are satisfied with me and will award me additional bonus points on my insurance."

"I smashed into a glass door during an 'open house' at the company."

"I had a work-related accident while dozing off under an apple tree."

"You know my cab has been turned into a hearse and now I only transport dead people. So since my passengers are not at risk, do you think it's reasonable to make me pay an additional insurance bonus in case they are involved in an accident?"

"The accident happened while I was changing girls."

"While pushing back a dog on a leash, its owner bit me."

"I read in my contract that you wouldn't reimburse me any repairs on my car for damage caused by my driving drunk. I am willing to pay you what it takes to get rid of that clause."

"You informed me that there is no such thing as theft between spouses. You obviously don't know my wife."

"I am stunned that you refuse to pay for this accident on grounds that I wasn't wearing my glasses. I swear the accident wasn't my fault. I simply didn't see the bicyclist when I ran him over."

"The cyclist kept zigzagging, going right and then left before I could pin him down."

"Since her accident, my wife is even worse than before. I hope you will take that into account."

"They determined that I had a 2.10 blood alcohol level and plan to convict me. You'll admit that considering the six to eight liters of blood in our bodies, that wasn't much."