Rant, rant, rantz

[bistro]

I was reading about some rants that were made by a PC mag editor recently and I had to agree with him on at least some of them. Here are some of my own rants and a couple "borrowed" from him (commentary is mine though). Some things about computer programs, etc. that need some serious rethinking:

1. The "Progress" Bar(specifically the "clock" feature): I love waiting in anticipation when installing and/or moving a file and the progress clock changes from "1 minute 53 seconds" to "2 minutes 45 seconds" to "24 hours 54 minutes 23 seconds" and back to "1 minute 34 seconds"....all the while the bar just crawls forward one milimeter per minute. What's worse is when the bar is finally at the end of its course and the clock say "0 seconds"....yet the bar just sits there for several seconds more, hard drive thrashing away, before it is really done and the window disappears.
How about it, Microsoft? How about developing a progress status bar that actually works and doesn't tease the operator....or maybe just play a short video clip to entertain us while the file is processing (you could probably fit in an entire episode of Family Guy). But please....don't lie to us about how far along the process has come. That's just not nice.

2. The Splash Screen: I guess they think my memory isn't all it used to be, so I need a reminder of what program I just opened. I can't tell you what a relief it is when that trusty splash screen pops up to assure me that I chose the right shortcut icon! x 10...

3. "Works With Vista" icon on software: Yay! Works with Vista! Hooray! Let me put it on my Vista 64-bit system! Hooray! It's installing.....Hooray! I'm getting a message....Hoo....!*!..."We have detected that this is a 64-bit system. This software will only work on Vista 32-bit. We should have a 64-bit version right about when hell freezes over. Thank you for your patience". So I go back to the site where I downloaded it or the box it came in and, you guessed it, there is absolutely no mention that it won't work on 64-bit Vista.
This has happened to me enough to warrant making a Word template with the complaint already written out so I can just cut and paste into a nastygram to send to the company. Can you say "Deception by omission?"...

3. Registry cleaners: Pretty cool programs (the good one's, that is), but when they start analyzing the Registry everything just freezes and grows very, very dark. I suppose that's just the way they have to work, but I'll tell you, it's really scary. I especially start getting worried when the cleaner starts playing Mahjong down in the Taskbar and the wallpaper starts showing live satellite shots of Saturn. It's about then that I realize I didn't make a Registry backup first and now I am fighting an incredible urge to go pop a Valium.
Maybe if we just had a nice, reassuring message that says "Don't worry....this is normal...just go into the light"....

4. The SAVE icon: Haven't you noticed? There's still a LOT of programs out there that still have a FLOPPY DISK as the "Save" icon....and it's the same icon they used with Windows 3.1!!! Yikes! God help us if the software developers are still trying to save to floppies....

5. "Vista icons": Sometimes one gets tired of the Vista icons and wants to snazz up the desktop a bit. But do a search for Vista icons sometime (or even just desktop icons). You probably will NOT see nifty 3D photorealistic icons....what you DO come up with almost invariably are those big, fat, puffy-looking 2D icons that look like they were lifted right out of a Candyland game or, worse, 32x32 Windows 3.1 style icons....centuries old. I am just about convinced that Microsoft has mandated that the only people are allowed to develop icons for Vista are either nearsighted 7-year-olds with an obsession for Barney the Purple Dinosaur or the residents at the Elwood Lepinstein Retirement Home in Peoria, Oklahoma.

6. Legacy software awards still being used on software websites to promote the newest version of their product: "Winner of the prestigious Gold Software Award....1998". "Editor's Choice, Commodore 64 Periodical". "Game of The Year - 1567". OK....so just WHAT version am I getting here? Golly gee....if they haven't improved the program since those dates, well,...looks like the laurel leaves have withered juuuuuuussst a bit on that one.

7. Free desktop wallpaper sites: Most often they demand some kind of registration to be able to take advantage of their "exclusive membership gallery" where the REALLY nifty wallpapers reside. So...after giving them your personal history in triplicate, you enter gleefully into that inner sanctum of super-duper images....only to find out that that most of them are 800x600 and the site hasn't been updated since God made dirt. That, and nearly every one of the wallpapers are either of unicorns, dolphins or bimbos lying across the hood of a car. Guys....please...at least put some variety in these....maybe you could have unicorns lying across the hood of the car with a dolphin in the driver's seat and the babe in the passenger seat. OH....and don't forget to incorporate those redundant bright-white sunset wallpapers that make you go blind every time Windows boots to the desktop....

I've got more of these....but that's enough for now....