Anyone heard any new jokes lately?

[imadreamer2]

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day and he done run outa night crawler baits. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wif a big frog in his mouf.

He knowed dat dem big bass fish like dem frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin, so he had to be real careful or he'd git bit. He snuk up behin' dat snake and grabbed him roun de haid.

Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrap hisself roun' Boudreaux's arm try'n to git hisself free. But Boudreaux, he had a real good grip on de snake's haid, yeh. Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.

Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He rea ch into de back pocket of his bibs and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker.

He pour some drops into de snake's mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs kinda roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou.

Den he goes back to fishin'.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin' tappin' on his barefoot toe.
He slowly look down and dare wuz dat water moccasin wif two more frogs........

[imadreamer2]

BITCHOLOGY

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.

When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.

Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.

I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.

And if that makes me a bitch , so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

B - Babe I - In T - Total C - Control of H - Herself

B = Beautiful I = Intelligent T = Talented C = Charming H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful I = Individual T = That C = Can H = Handle anything

Send this to 5 women to put a smile on their face!! "If you can't do something right, get a woman to do it."

[imadreamer2]

Another good one.

Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John Edwards
were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of
the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."

If you're one of those 156 million forward this!

[GetaGrrrip]

The Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

[Crimson Blonde]

I like that GG

[GetaGrrrip]

Yeah, and I knew it would be a woman that would reply and like it

[buf]

Yep, took 2 of them to agree that we guys know nothing about the (our) women. I freely admit to my lack of knowledge about you girls. Maybe THAT is what makes you even more interesting to us who are less learned.
That's my story and I am sticking to it----for now
PS I feel sure there is more rebutal verbiage on the horizon.

[Tsaphah]

Another good one.AMEN !!!

Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John Edwards
were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of
the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."

If you're one of those 156 million forward this!

[Tsaphah]

Yep, took 2 of them to agree that we guys know nothing about the (our) women. I freely admit to my lack of knowledge about you girls. Maybe THAT is what makes you even more interesting to us who are less learned.
That's my story and I am sticking to it----for now
PS I feel sure there is more rebutal verbiage on the horizon.

Is that PS..a sucker bet?

[lgbpop]

Since the 1000th post is a solemn occasion, let's get past it.

[liam858]

Types of computer viruses
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.


Liam

[buf]

I thought it appropriate to C/P Sidewinder's very first post
but it appears that Liam may have done the honors already but it does not show 1001---yet; so here it it:

A young man named Tim received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Tim tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, Tim was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

Tim shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. Tim, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Tim quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The Parrot calmly stepped out onto Tim's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

Tim was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
__________________

[GetaGrrrip]

[imadreamer2]

Wine vs. Water

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli)
bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of
Poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine (or rum,
whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a
purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink
water and be full of ****.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it
as a public service.

[GetaGrrrip]

A man walked into a bar in Louisville, Kentucky and ordered a drink. While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V., one of Hillary's
political ads came on. After it went off, he stood up and announced to
everyone,

"Hillary is a horse's ass!"

The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an oak club about 18
inches long and hit the man square across the head, knocking him off his stool and onto the floor.

After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself up and said
to the bartender,

"I'm sorry. I didn't know this was Hillary country."

"It's not!" replied the bartender. "This is horse country".