Anyone heard any new jokes lately?

[buf]

As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.
The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted
her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband.
When the graveside service had no more than
terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder
accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more
rumbling thunder.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly
said, 'Well, she's there!'

[buf]

MAYBE THIS ISN'T A JOKE

An interesting parallel...


I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.


Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere.

Then some of the birds turned mean: They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And other birds were boisterous and loud: They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food. After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. I took down the
bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.



Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...quite, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see . . . our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, free
education and allows anyone born here to be a automatic citizen.


Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families: you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor: your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.


Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to press "one" to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than "Old Glory" are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.



Maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

[shooter bob]

well said

[buf]

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood
pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight,
And I didn't feel so hot.
My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it
Would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors; Fill your
plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc.
I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I
felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.

[Rex A. Butcher]

Six Stages of a Project

1. Enthusiasm

2. Disillusionment

3. Panic

4. Search for guilt.

5. Punishment of guilty.

6. Praise and honour for the non-participants.

[x71s8zTN]

Stage 5 is "Punishment of the Innocent".

[Rex A. Butcher]

Oh yeah, I wrote it the way I tell jokes. Badly! Sorry.

It should of course read, 5. Punishment of the guilty!

Rex

[GetaGrrrip]

Hmm, maybe this shouldn't be a joke?

[buf]

Looks like a stacked jury to me Let justice prevail.

[GetaGrrrip]

Bubba At The Revival

Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the
Preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone
with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Bubba gets in line and when it's his turn the
Preacher says, "Bubba, what you want me to pray
about?" Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray
for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and
the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.
After a few minutes, he removes his hands and
says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until
next Wednesday."

[ua549]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability .

It's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

[buf]

The new Supermarket near my house has an automatic water mist to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.


When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is a scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

[PhiloVance]

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

Shamelessly stolen from the internet!

[buf]

Smart thinker!!!

Collard Greens

The Collard Greens

An old black man lived alone in the country. He
wanted to dig his yearly collard green garden, but
it was always very hard work for him because the
ground was hard. His only son, Junebug Jankins III,
who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his
predicament.

Dear Junebugg Jankins the III,
I am feeling pretty bad because it look like I won't
be able to plant my collard green garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I
know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Daddy Jankins,
Whatever you do, don't dig up that garden. That's
where I buried the BODIES.
Love Junbugg Jankins III

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local
police arrived and dug up the entire area without
finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left.

That same day the old man received another letter
from his son.

Dear Daddy Jankins,
You can go ahead and plant the collard greens now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Junebugg III

[buf]

Acts 2:38



An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled ... "Stop! Acts 2:38!"

"Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven."



The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he was curious and asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?!" replied the burglar.

"She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"

PASS THIS ON TO SOMEONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH TODAY.