I will start with this one, remember to keep em clean. Sidewinder
A young man named Tim received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Tim tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, Tim was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
Tim shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. Tim, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Tim quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The Parrot calmly stepped out onto Tim's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
Tim was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it.
After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl.
I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy, 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears.
As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather: "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied: "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating the hamburger his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks...so he asked again: "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says: "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now stop being so picky!" Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let him pass. "Granddad," the young man called, "your dog won't let me out." Without diverting his attention from the TV screen he had his eyes glued to, his Grandfather shouted: "COLDWATER, get out of his way."
A redneck mothers letter to her son:
Dear Billy Joe Bob, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall peop le burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
and the dog will give you a look that says,
'My God, you're right! I never wo uld've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased
20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.
I believe I''ll have another beer."
- W. C. Fields
If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving definitely isn't for you.
If at first you don't succeed, then you didn't do it right!
If at first you don't succeed, then get someone else to do it. It's called using your initiative.
There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.
If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure. --Vice President Dan Quayle
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone. -- Bill Cosby
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made. -- Jean Giraudoux
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
To successfully keep robbers out of your house put six locks on your door. When you go out, lock every other one. No matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a stinkin' fool about it.
If you are feeling unsuccessful just think about this: eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
IRONY
What a nice night for an evening.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
Prejudiced people are all alike.
Those who judge others will burn in Hell!
Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be.
I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
There's no such thing as nonexistence.
Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.
As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
Avoid cliches like the plague.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
I always try to do things in chronological order.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Death to all fanatics!
An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Don't chew [or eat] with your mouth full.
It's deja vu all over again.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
I always wanted to be a procrastinator!
Rehab is for quitters!
Don't be redundant by repeating yourself.
Some people type so fast that forget to include
I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
Entropy just isn't what it used to be.
I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it.
Not only am I redundant & superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness otherwise it's hard to tell if someone is inconspicuous.
He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.
I disagree with unanimity.
I have my doubts about disbelief.
Avoid Alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator... never got around to it.
Freedom of speech is overrated.
Joke:
A little boy wanted $100 very badly; his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed for two weeks but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you letter, which read as follows;
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, those thieving b******s deducted $95.
Male & Female Interpretations
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)n.
female: The sharing of thoughts & feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning and farting.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.
TASTE (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
One Liners
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid........When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
That'll do i think theres enough for a few hours. Enjoy.
One more little one, Computer related so it seemed fitting:
Is Your Computer 'Male' or 'Female'?
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female.
(e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all male) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follows:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male.
Their reasons follow:
They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and
tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring
in an object to share with the class that
represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My
name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said,
"My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My
name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole."
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took
their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want water, lots
and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want water,
lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little
piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy, "but
why have you only ordered water all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE me for this....
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
If you're happy and you know it......it's your meds.
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband.
Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement where she finally found her husband crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.
"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen?" he replied. "And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next twenty years in prison."
Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"
The husband sobbed, "I would have gotten out today."
Children's Books That Didn't Make It
===================================================
Dad's New Wife Robert
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Some Kittens Can Fly
Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
All Cats Go to Hell
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
You Are Different and That's Bad.
That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
Grandpa Gets a Casket
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Strangers Have the Best Candy
Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
You Were an Accident
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
Your Nightmares Are Real
Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Stupid question? No such thing!
Virtual Dr. to the rescue!
Just ask. Bookmark your post for easy reference.
==================================
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her
husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said,
"Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us
in jail
and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely
not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Sidewinder
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