Anyone heard any new jokes lately? - Page 65
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Thread: Anyone heard any new jokes lately?

  1. #961
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    Conswelo, a Mexican maid announced to her boss, Mrs. Blanco
    that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I'm in
    the family way."

    The wife was totally surprised and shocked, and asked who the
    father could be.

    The maid replied, "Your husband and your son."

    Mrs. Blanco was mortified and demanded an explanation.

    "Well," Conswelo explained, "I go to the library to clean it
    and your husband say, 'You are in the way'. I go to the living
    room to clean and your son say 'You are in my way'. So I'm in
    the family way and I quit."
    imadreamer2

  2. #962
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    The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix.

    The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was
    full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix couldn't walk on the sidewalks or
    drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and
    sidewalks clean.

    One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I can
    rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city.
    But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five
    million dollars and ask one question."

    The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

    The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and
    released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into
    the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon.
    They gathered up behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue
    pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

    The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City
    Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man an d t he blue pigeon
    had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of
    pigeons.

    Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented
    him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did
    have a question to ask and, even though they had agreed to no fee and the man
    had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to get to
    ask ONE question.

    The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.

    The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"
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  3. #963
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    Being an AZ resident, "Not Phoenix" I can relate to that one. LMAO. BJ

  4. #964
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    Believe it or not BJ, I thought of you when I read that. SW also.
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  5. #965
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    Subject: Adam

    God Said, Adam I Want you to do Something for me."


    Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"


    God said, "Go down into that valley."


    Adam said, "What's a valley?"


    God explained it to him.


    Then God said, "Cross the river."


    Adam said, "What's a river?" !


    God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."


    Adam said, "What is a hill?"


    So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.


    He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"


    Adam said, "What's a cave?"


    ! After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."


    Adam said, "What's a woman?"


    So God explained that to him, too.


    Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."


    Adam said, "How do I do that?"


    God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !


    And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.


    So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.


    Then, in about five minutes, he was back.


    God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"


    And Adam said

    *

    * YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!

    *

    *

    *

    *

    "What's a headache?"

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  6. #966
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    What do you call Britney Spears with a brain?






    Pregnant ( Well it depends who the father is.......)
    In Dog We Trust

  7. #967
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    How topical
    Who are you? Introduce yourself here

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  8. #968
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    I know, I couldn't resist

    Hmm...a couple more old ones.

    Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, had a baby last week and they want to thank everyone for all the gifts they received.
    Apparently, the baby has everything he needs except a father with a job.

    Britney Spears is in trouble because she was photographed driving with her baby sitting on her lap instead of strapped into a car seat.
    Child welfare experts say this is still better for the baby than leaving it at home with Kevin Federline.
    In Dog We Trust

  9. #969
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    Annoying airline passenger

    If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train follow these instructions:

    1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

    2. Remove your laptop.

    3. Start up

    4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.

    5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

    7. Then hit this link: Click Here
    "I have been wanting to grow my own food but I can not find any bacon seeds."

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  11. #971
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    A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.

    Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said,

    "What seems to be the problem?"



    "I'm out of gas." The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.

    Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees

    flew to his car and into his gas tank.



    After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.




    "Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?




    The bee answered, "BP."
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  12. #972
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    An antiwar protestor who burned down a military-uniform factory was sentenced to 20 years light labor, embroidering military insignia for the Department of Defense.

    His lawyer objected, citing the Eighth Amendment's ban on crewel and unusual punishment.

  13. #973
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    Project Managers

    A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on
    display.

    While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the
    shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please."

    The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and
    took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed to the customer,
    saying, "That'll be $5,000."

    The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

    Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a
    very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why
    did it cost so much?"

    The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast,
    tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

    The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "Hey, that one's even
    more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"

    "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming,
    Visual C++, even some Java - all the really useful stuff," said the
    shopkeeper.

    The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in
    a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000.

    The tourist gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the
    others put together! What on earth does it do?"

    The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything,
    but it says it's a Project Manager."
    In Dog We Trust

  14. #974
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    Now what just happened was STRANGE. I clicked on Getagrrrip's link in my email notice and I was sent to page 62 and there were the last contacts I had with poppy4. We were sharing jokes and invitations.!!!! Miss that guy (Learned I was signed in!!!)

    Anyway, GG surely I should fit somewhere in between those 3 monkeys.
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  15. #975
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    I miss him, too.

    Now, so I'm a monkey eh?
    In Dog We Trust

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