Call it the mid-summer blues or the anticipation of a well earned vacation that is a week away and seems like light years from now I need a good belly laugh. So come on lets have some fun this weekend.
Printable View
Call it the mid-summer blues or the anticipation of a well earned vacation that is a week away and seems like light years from now I need a good belly laugh. So come on lets have some fun this weekend.
A read of the Dilbert Newsletter always brightens my week:
http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilber...sletter56.html
This site that gets even with online scammers is worth a look for a laff... This episode in particular really got me laughing..
http://www.419eater.com/html/kadijat_jubril.htm
LOL Guys LOL !
Time to get my coupons added together, to get some free fish and bread for my picture session. :D
Here's a brand new scam they just put up a couple of weeks ago(and it's still ongoing)...
http://www.419eater.com/html/joe_eboh.htm
It's a long read (4 pages) but worth it. Hilarious!
True bravery is arriving home late after a guy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
Today’s Stock Market Report
Helium was up; feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Other outside/inside trading events:
Martha gets 5 months.
Broker gets same.
Doesn't take much to get Iraq off center stage.
And how was your day!
Nick:cool:
Sorry about 2 in a row but I was looking for laughs today also and ran across this pretty neat one I haven't seen before:
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!!!)
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST:
When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters: THAT ***** SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover.
The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."
The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
Bin Laden Contacts Bush:
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive",
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a message in his own handwriting
to let him know that he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled,so he typed it out and e-mailed it to Colin Powell.
Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it, so it was sent to the NSA,MIT,the NASA and the Secret Service.No one had a clue.
Eventually they sent it to the brilliant Techs at Virtual Doc for help.
They e-mailed the White House within minutes:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."
------------------------------------------
The Bush Campaign Song ;)
If George Only Had A Brain
http://www.billjacobs.us/igohab_01.html
Whatever became of the MACH2 Show?? Hi Monster!!! I still need an antenna. :D :D
As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:
PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how ******* shart dat runway is?
CO-PILOT - Yer nat ******* kiddin, Paddy
PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus !
CO-PILOT - Yer nat ******* kiddin, Paddy !!
PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse !!
CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!
PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down !!
CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!
PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad !!!
CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.
So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tyres squealed, and there was smoke everywhere. But, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to stop but a few meters from the end of the runway!!!
As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de shartist ******* runway in de world!"
Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how ******* wide it is?"
I think someone changed the names and location to protect the guilty. :DQuote:
Originally posted by TJolly
As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:
PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how ******* shart dat runway is?
CO-PILOT - Yer nat ******* kiddin, Paddy
PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus !
CO-PILOT - Yer nat ******* kiddin, Paddy !!
PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse !!
CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!
PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down !!
CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!
PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad !!!
CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.
So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tyres squealed, and there was smoke everywhere. But, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to stop but a few meters from the end of the runway!!!
As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de shartist ******* runway in de world!"
Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how ******* wide it is?"
I don't know how funny this quote is, but I just ran across it and thought I'd share.
http://home.ripway.com/2003-7/16532/...CareyQuote.jpg
Here is the best defence against car crime.
---Zipped video, 2MB---
I can't open that zip file... (it says it's only 900k/b)... I think that 2megs is over the limit allowed as an attachment on the forum software.
Thought so.Quote:
Originally posted by fink
I can't open that zip file... (it says it's only 900k/b)... I think that 2megs is over the limit allowed as an attachment on the forum software.
It started hanging when i hit submit.
Two Irishmen were seen walking out of a pub one afternoon.
Hey --- it could happen.
Here's a good one for anyone who's into programming:
Evolution of a programmer
I never knew this. So, to you guys, an Irish joke is the equivalent of the U.S.'s Polish joke??
Cheers
Wendy
:rolleyes:
Now, now, lets not let this degenerate into enthnic jokes when there is a much softer target, that being the funny bone.
A little boy was out with his dad at the racetrack, watching as his father ran his hands over a horse. The little boy asked, "Dad, what are you doing?"
The father replied, "I'm interested in buying this horse, so I'm checking it out."
The little boy's eyes became as big as saucers. He blurted out, "Dad, we have to go home right now!"
The father was puzzled and asked, "Why do we have to go home right this minute?"
The boy replied, "Because the postman was at our house yesterday and I think he wants to buy Mom!"
TJOLLY: Confirm or Deny.
;)
Adding to SuperSparks:
Software Development Cycle
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.......
Redneck Computer Lingo
Hard drive
Trying to drive up a steep muddy un-paved hill, with 2 flat tires, while pulling a trailer load of manure.
Keyboard
A place to hang your truck keys.
Window
A place in your truck to hang the rifle.
Bit
A piece used to saddle your favorite mare.
Digital control
What your fingers do to the TV remote.
Floppy
When the little lady ain't wearin a bra.
Modem
What you do to your lawn.
ROM
Your mixer with coke.
Byte
Your first word in the kiss-off phrase.
Reboot
When your first pair gets covered with manure.
Network
The secret organization used to transport your moonshine.
Mouse
The fuzzy little creatures that you share your trailer with.
LAN
The little piece your double wide sits on.
Cursor
What most neighbors do to your wife, girlfriend or both of them.
We've all heard the dump blonde jokes. But what do you call a smart blonde?
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>
>>An Irish Setter. :)
Sorry. Confirm or deny what?Quote:
Originally posted by Leurgy
Now, now, lets not let this degenerate into enthnic jokes when there is a much softer target, that being the funny bone.
A little boy was out with his dad at the racetrack, watching as his father ran his hands over a horse. The little boy asked, "Dad, what are you doing?"
The father replied, "I'm interested in buying this horse, so I'm checking it out."
The little boy's eyes became as big as saucers. He blurted out, "Dad, we have to go home right now!"
The father was puzzled and asked, "Why do we have to go home right this minute?"
The boy replied, "Because the postman was at our house yesterday and I think he wants to buy Mom!"
TJOLLY: Confirm or Deny.
;)
Yup, thats right. I was quite a confused little boy when I moved from the US to England. I had no idea why they were making fun of the Irish and they had no idea why I was making fun of the Polish?!Quote:
Originally posted by user595212
I never knew this. So, to you guys, an Irish joke is the equivalent of the U.S.'s Polish joke??
Cheers
Wendy
:rolleyes:
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the Captain of The
Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?!"
"Because, we use Windows." replied Peter.
"And?!" Bill Gates prompted.
"Well, according to our records," St. Peter answered, "The Titanic
only crashed ONCE."
Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks . Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
A Blonde Moment:-
Blonde in a shop:-
Blonde "that's nice - what is it?"
Assistant "it's a thermos"
Blonde "what's it for?"
Assistant "it keeps hot things, hot and cold things cold"
Blonde "that's a great idea - I'll have one of them"
The following day she is walking through town when she meets a friend.
Friend "what't that?"
Blonde "it's a thermos"
Friend "what's it for?"
Blonde "it keeps hot things, hot and cold things cold"
Friend "what you got in it?"
Blonde " 2 cups of coffee and a choc ice!"
Har Har Tjolly. :D
A man was roaming in a little town in Mexico. He walks up to a Mexican man with a donkey and asks what the time is. The Mexican takes his hand and sticks it under the donkeys balls and moves his hands around. The Mexican says its 3:30. Stunned, the man asks how he could tell time by playing with the donkey's balls. The Mexican replies, you lift them up like this and look at the clock over there.
There once was three people, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a newfie. they were construction people and were working on a building 80m high. They always had lunch on top of the building. So the Italian opens up his lunch and gets a tuna sandwich. He says, " Oh I hate tuna sandwiches, If I get a tuna sandwich again tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this building" Then the French opens up his lunch and gets a bologna sandwich. He says "If I get a bologna sandwich again, i'm going to jump off this building" Then the newfie opens up his lunch and gets a ham sandwich. He says " If I gets another ham sandwich, I'm wit you two." So the next day, the Italia gets a tuna sandwich and jumps off the building. The French gets a bologna sandwich and the newfie gets a ham sandwich and they both jump off the building. Later on, at there funeral the French and Italians wife's were
crying and say" If they didn't like that kind of sandwich, they could have told us, but the Newfies wife wasn't crying, she was laughing . The Italian and French's wife ask the Newfies wife why she isn't sad at all. She says, "why, he makes his own
An American hunter was having very bad luck in the Newfoundland outback, not bagging anything. After five dismal days he finally shot at a duck and saw it fall far off. he tramped through the bush and found it had landed in the back yard of a homestead in the middle of nowhere. He climbed over
a rail fence and was about to retrieve the bird when the Newfie homesteader saw the wet and bedraggled hunter. "What's ya doin, boy?" he asked the hunter. "Gettin' my duck," said the Yank. "Well now I figgers it's my bird, seeing as it's in my yard," says the Newfie. "Oh God!" said the Yank, "I tracked over miles of awful bush, was lost, hungry, tired, soaked, you name it. I shot this bird. Can't I just take it and go?" "Well " says the Newfie, who didn't like big smart Yankee hunters much, "tell you what I'll do, boys. We'll fight fer it." "Fight for it? You kiddin'?" asks the Yank. "I'll give you a sportin chance," says the Newfie. Here's the rules. One feller bends over and the other kicks him in the arse real hard. Who ever kicks the farthest gets the bird. Deal?" The Yank figures he's bigger and has a winning chance, so he agrees. "I'll go first, seein' as it's my yard," says the Newfie. "Bend over, boy." The Yank complies. The Newfies hails off and boots the hapless hunter, sending him face firsat into a manure pile. He splutters to his feet, wipes his face off, then says, hopefully, "Okay, your turn." The Newfie scratches his head, contemplates, then says, "No, boys. You take the bird an go, Yank. I doesn't like duck anyway."
So, dere wuz dis time, see, wen me brudder Charlie and me was takin' a truck driver's course, to learn how to drive the big rigs, eh. Like,dem 18 wheelers. So, anyways, the h'insruckter wuz takin' us out one at a time and stuff, see, to figger out wat we knowed, like braking and clutchin' and sech stuff. So, he gots ta two of us out one day, and Charlie's up in the bunk, watchin' me h'and da h'instruckter, and the h'instruckter sez to me "let's say you're out on the road, you and Charlie, as a team, and you're goin' down dis great big long hill and deres a red traffic light at the botton, and a school bus loaded with youngsters is goin' thru the green light, but your brakes aren't workin' right.You can't get the truck stopped safely.What are ya gonna do.Well, I said, I'll ask Charlie what to do. No, you can't, he said, cause he's up in the bunk sleeping. Well, by, sez I, I'd wake en op, cause he never seen a good accident a'fore.
Try this link:Quote:
Originally posted by P3-450
Here is the best defence against car crime.
---Zipped video, 2MB---
http://www.ianai.net/jokes/Monkey5-high.wmv
Two guys were sitting on a park bench discussing getting older.
Younger Guy: So what is it like to get old?
Older Guy: Well I must say that the memory is the second thing to go.
Younger Guy: Oh, really? So what would be the first thing to go?
Older Guy: Well I would tell you but I just can't remember what it is.
Honest to a fault?
http://www.newfie.com/update/employmentwanted.jpg
Nflder wins the lottery and decides to take an around the world tour.Six months later he arrives in India and is met by his accountant at the airport. He advises the newf that he has exhausted all his money and is now flat broke. The newf then is left all alone on the street.Some time passes and the newf finds himself knocking on the door of a huge castle one day. The owner, after listening to the newfs sad story, advises him that he can return all his fortune plus much more if he could complete three tasks within the castle. The newf, fearing nothing to lose, accepts the challange. The first thing he was to do was enter a room where four bottles of the strongest liquor ever made were on a table. He was to drink the entire lot within three hours. Next, he was to proceed immediately to the next room where a ferocious lion was with a bad tooth and pull the tooth with his fingers. Afterwards he was, without delay, make love to the most horniest woman in India until she said NO MORE. The newf proceeded to the first room and in 2hrs 59mins emerged in a drunken state. In a slurred voice he asked where the lion was. He entered this room and after 20mins of screeching and scratching a trickle of blood flowed out from under the door. The owner of the castle became worried and began to feel bad that he had sacrificed the newf. Suddenly the door to the room swung open and the newf staggered out asking, "Hic,hic... where's that woman with the bad tooth!!!
Calpitor, done something similar since I was a kid. I still do it now and then still.Quote:
One feller bends over and the other kicks him in the arse real hard. Who ever kicks the farthest gets the bird.
Get your little brother or sister (anyone will do that you think you can take if they get really PO'd) and say, "Let's play a game.
Let's see who can hit the easiest." I hold my shoulder arm toward them and they make a fist and the swing comes and stops short and barely touches my arm. They laugh.
Ok. my turn. They position their arm the same and I pull my fist back and swing but follow through hard. ( you know, hard to some and harder to some others)
They look at you in disbelief and I say, "You win."
(sometimes, get ready to run):p
Good jokes all. Thanks.
Nick:cool: