OT: id10ts and P.E.B.K.A.C.

The following are for entertainment purposes only!

Tech: Thankyou for calling Dell Technical Support. My Name is Don. May I have you name and telephone number please?

IRATE CALLER: NO! Ah'm callen to complain. I want the name and address of your Preziden. I wanna write me a letter!

Tech: May I ask what you wish to complain about? I could be of assistance.
IRATE CALLER: NO! Ah'm callen to complain. I want the name and address of your Preziden. I wanna write me a letter!

Tech: Well ma'am we aren't permitted to give out that kind of information. You can voice you concerns to www.dell/support/comp

IRATE CALLER: SHUT UP YOU F*****F A*****E! I wanna write me a letter! Gimme your Prezident's name and address! And be damn quick cuz I'll get really mad!

Tech: Very well ma'am the President's name is G.
IRATE CALLER: G.
Tech:W.
IRATE CALLER:W.
Tech:B
IRATE CALLER:B
Tech:W. small u
IRATE CALLER:small u
Tech:W.small s
IRATE CALLER:small s
Tech:small s
IRATE CALLER:small s. Hey ain't that a nice coisedense. He muss be really proud.

Tech: and the address is 1600
IRATE CALLER:1600
Tech:P-E-N-N-S-Y-L-V-A-N-I-A
IRATE CALLER:P-E-N-N-S-Y-L-V-A-N-I-A
Tech: Avenue
IRATE CALLER: A-v-e.
Tech:NW
IRATE CALLER:NW? Whuts that stan fer?
Tech: I'm not sure ma'am
IRATE CALLER: probably No Whackos! I'll jus leave that out!
Tech: Washington, DC
IRATE CALLER: and the zip?
Tech: 20500
IRATE CALLER:2-0-5-0-0 got it
Tech: Is there anything I can help you with?
IRATE CALLER: You could come over here and stuff this computer up your A___!

<Automated operater cuts in to notify that the caller has now hung up.>


Got some of you own? I'm sure you do! lets have some fun.

Well... let's see. I used to work for a Brokerage firm with offices located in our parent companies bank branches. We had pretty decent users... only a few rocks out there.
I got a call one day from lady W., she was having problems getting her computer to boot up. So went through the obligatory checking of the power strip and such..... Now she wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed and was kind of twitchin'... some peoples kids. While she was misinforming me about a variety of conditions I noticed quite a bit of background noise. So I asked...
She then tells me that it's just the construction crew that's remodeling the branch... they had to cut the power and stuff like that.... So I'm like o.k., so all the lights are off? Yeah. Well your computer won't work without power ya know... Really!? huhhh...
So 20 minutes wasted but did we howl about that one...

Got this one awhile back complements of Murf. BJ :D

Computor Problems
( Excerpt from Wall Street Journal...)

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of
troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer --but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

5. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

6. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

7. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied to remove Disk 1 first.

8. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

9. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

10. Another true story: TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'". TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob." CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?" TECH SUPPORT: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that !!!!

I have fun at the private school I work at going into the advanced math classrooms and writing things on the board like:

"There are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't."

We also respond to pebcak errors quite often.

Here is a link to quotes / anecdotes in a similar context to those above ie tech support, customer complaints etc ...

http://www.rinkworks.com/said/


If deemed inappropriate please feel free to delete it - no problem.

They say a pic is worth a thousand words. :D

http://www.boomspeed.com/snarfll/scan_print_hardway.gif

Hi

Many years ago I was teaching a small group of police officers how to use windows 3.1.

A certain policewoman was having problems opening programs. I asked her to use the mouse pointer and direct it to the icon on the desktop. She tried to do this by placing her finger over the pointer on screen and tried to move it telling me it wouldn't work. I then asked her to pick up the mouse and use that to move the pointer.

She then picked up the mouse, held it in mid-air, pointed it at the screen and shook it saying 'It's broke'. The remainder of the class fell about laughing but, me being a nice guy controlled my laughter, sat next to her and showed her how it worked. Her response in a very strong Liverpool accent was:

'What a ******* dumb cow I am'

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2,which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.

While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2002.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, Launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games Iwanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law 6.1, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money files before uninstalling itself.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

What you have to be careful with is if you instal mistress 2003 and interface with friend 1.6 the friend software will sometimes connect with wife 1.0 and will begin affair transfers with the software not only ruining the friendship port but also deleting the money files and running off with wife 1.0 and kids 2.5

Quote:

---

Originally posted by Sarrkazztic
What you have to be careful with is if you instal mistress 2003 and interface with friend 1.6 the friend software will sometimes connect with wife 1.0 and will begin affair transfers with the software not only ruining the friendship port but also deleting the money files and running off with wife 1.0 and kids 2.5

---

Any known firewall for the friendship port?

Quote:

---

Originally posted by TJolly



Any help would be greatly appreciated.

---

Looks like a fresh copy of Local Pub 8.0 would be just what the Doctor ordered. :) BJ

HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE???


ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the
counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve,"
was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order
six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TWO
The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple
of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few
items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
> I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash
register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider"
looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding
the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" > I said to
her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said
"OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had
just happened.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she
said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit
card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you
need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced
the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a
battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I
asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the
car keys to me. > > As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries.
It's a long walk."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she
was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary
told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of
paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank"
copies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of
repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I
asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set
the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of
a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems
with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the
branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back
of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't
telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
confessed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

Quote:

---

Originally posted by BIG JOHN



Looks like a fresh copy of Local Pub 8.0 would be just what the Doctor ordered. :) BJ

---

Wife 1.0 has a built anti-intoxicants freeware program called He's been drinking 1.0. This enables her to smell booze from 100 paces and clicks in a further 2 programs called Mistress2003search&destroy and Mistress2003blaster.

I'm thinking of installing Mistress 2003 on a seperate partition using different operating systems. Do you think that would work or would Mistress still be detected?

Quote:

---

Originally posted by TJolly
I'm thinking of installing Mistress 2003 on a seperate partition using different operating systems. Do you think that would work or would Mistress still be detected?

---

Might work, but I would be careful about doing any upgrades to Mistress 2003 as you could wind up in a worse situation. BJ

EDIT: Oh & I forgot, Mistress 2003 may not be compatable with your older operating system because the hard drive tends not to function like it used to. You may have to also install a very expensive program called Viagra 10.0.

Stupid product warnings:

"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.

"Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.

"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.

"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.

"Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.

"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.

"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.

"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.

"Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.

"Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.

"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.

"Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.

"Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.

"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.

"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.

"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."

"Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.

"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.

"Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.

"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.

"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.

"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

"Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.

"Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.

"Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.

"For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.

"For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.

"Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.

"Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.

"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.

"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.

"Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.

"Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.

"Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.

"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.

"Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.

"Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.

"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.

"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.

"Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.

"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.

"Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.

"Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.

"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.

"Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.

"For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.

"This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.

"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.

"Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.

"Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.

"Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.

"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.

"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.

"Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.

"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.

"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.

"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.

"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.

"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.

"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.

"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.

"Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).

"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.

"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.

"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in
a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If
that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing
that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Classified Mistakes

Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers:

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us
once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard,
meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to
travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience
preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom
for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head
illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an
extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it
carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for
sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful
condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of
aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family
appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find
person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to
assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of
contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in
variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your
home for $1.00.

I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately,
so I decided to try to figure out what it meant,
I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware, part of the control panel, then I got out all the manuals and went through them.
I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one.
So, I decided to go to the computer store and see if I could buy one, I wanted to look intelligent and scholarly, so I wore my math hat Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking woman, I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked her if she had any sex drives in stock, She kinda scowled at me and asked me if I was trying to get smart with her
figuring she had been impressed with my math hat.
I replied that I tried to be smart with everyone she said, rather rudely I thought, that she couldn't help me and walked away
huh, must not have had any in stock.

In the second store, I gave the salesperson the make and model of my computer and asked if they had any sex drives in stock,
He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive
I thought about it for a minute and told him Yeah, maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed, he started laughing at me & said something about me trying to kill him
You're killing me! something like that, and walked away,hmmmm, must be out here too, must be hard to keep in stock I wasn't trying to kill him, I wasn't even hurting him.

The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd just fallen off the turnip truck?
I assured him I'd never been on a turnip truck, but I'd fallen off the manure wagon a few times, he mumbled something about that explaining it, she's fallen off the wagon, that explains it,
like that and walked away laughing.

The guy in the fourth store said something like boob under his breath and walked away, wonder why he only noticed one?
Anyway I figured they must not carry them in stores,maybe have to order from a catalog or something.

So that's where I am now, If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it
then all I'd have to do is figure out what to do with it.

Sidewinder, maybe you need to call Tech support!

I've heard of Phone Sex, maybe it's similar??????????

Sidewinder......too funny......and for that sense of humor...I am glad to call you my friend.

Quote:

---

Originally posted by TJolly


Any known firewall for the friendship port?

---

Chastity Belt 6.7......and Ruger 9mm

Still.......rolflmao!!

I have on those oldies but goodies.

Lady asked why her floppy drive wouldn't work, she told the tech she put the disk in the floppy drive but couldn't get it to work. Turns out it was a 5.25 floppy folded in half and inserted into 3.5 drive.

Thanks Kazz, im more than proud to call you My friend. Sidewinder48

Car accident insurance claims:


"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."

"No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."

"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."

"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision."

"I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."

"My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back."

"I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

"The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."

"A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

More insurance claims:


I sprained my wrist while putting sugar on the strawberries."

"I am a little hard of hearing so you can understand why I didn't see the cyclist."

"I admit I went through the intersection without looking to see if anyone was crossing, but I had gone through the same intersection less than an hour before and no one was there."

"I am planning to lend my car to someone who doesn't know how to drive, but beforehand can you please confirm that you'll pay for the damage he is likely to cause?"

"You are telling me that according to the civil code I am responsible for my children's action. If that's true, the people who wrote that must not have, like me, nine children to watch over."

"In place of the intersection they built a roundabout with priority for those coming from the left. Now I didn't expect that change and I lost control of my car."

"While going forward I smashed the rear light of the car in front of me. So I backed up, and in doing so smashed the bumper of the car behind me. That's when I stepped out of the car, but in doing so I knocked down a bicyclist with my door. That's all I have to declare for today."

"I rammed into a parked car and made sure not to tell the owner that I was responsible. I hope you are satisfied with me and will award me additional bonus points on my insurance."

"I smashed into a glass door during an 'open house' at the company."

"I had a work-related accident while dozing off under an apple tree."

"You know my cab has been turned into a hearse and now I only transport dead people. So since my passengers are not at risk, do you think it's reasonable to make me pay an additional insurance bonus in case they are involved in an accident?"

"The accident happened while I was changing girls."

"While pushing back a dog on a leash, its owner bit me."

"I read in my contract that you wouldn't reimburse me any repairs on my car for damage caused by my driving drunk. I am willing to pay you what it takes to get rid of that clause."

"You informed me that there is no such thing as theft between spouses. You obviously don't know my wife."

"I am stunned that you refuse to pay for this accident on grounds that I wasn't wearing my glasses. I swear the accident wasn't my fault. I simply didn't see the bicyclist when I ran him over."

"The cyclist kept zigzagging, going right and then left before I could pin him down."

"Since her accident, my wife is even worse than before. I hope you will take that into account."

"They determined that I had a 2.10 blood alcohol level and plan to convict me. You'll admit that considering the six to eight liters of blood in our bodies, that wasn't much."