I blame all the groaners on Nix :p
:D
Printable View
I blame all the groaners on Nix :p
:D
Why don't eggs tell each others jokes ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because they'd crack each other up.
A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says, "Do you know me ?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "m god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery." She said, "no, i'm your son's math teacher."
I don't make up these stories--I just pass 'em on. This is one is hot off my email.
POTATO PROSTITUTES
Two little potatoes are standing
on the street corner. One is a
prostitute.
How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
Hold on......
It's the one with the little sticker that says...
I - DA - HO
Lol :D
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:......
Dave.............
..............you're a vet".
:eek:
Ewwww. That's sick. I like that in a woman. :D :D :D
If this thread gets any lower it will be at my level, then I'll start telling jokes. :eek:
Remember the old Sophie Tucker jokes? Easy to remember jokes.Here's a mild one.If the mod's think it's too much for this forum they know what to do. Well..it's definitely not a vet one. ;
I was out in the wood's with my boyfriend Ernie last night and he say's to me "Soph...it's sure dark in here Soph...I wish I had a flashlight." I said to him "Ernie..so do I...You've been munching grass for the past ten minutes!"
Are we low enough yet???
:eek:
That was about the lowest I'll post for jokes on this thread. But hey, Dave the Vet is a good one!Quote:
Originally Posted by lgbpop
At least I haven't told the one about the three dogs at the vet's office....
'Sounds' like Ernie missed the dock!!! (You know.....Marina----dock--oh just forget it!!! :p
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns"
Cinderella was overjoyed, and after some thought ful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"
The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once enjoyed."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that were dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath
as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again he man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "you see, several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's fantastic!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the talking ostrich?"
The man sighs heavily, pauses, and answers,
"My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
:D SW
A woman visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before
her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news;
"There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt, prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at
the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few
deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the
Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
****"Will I get away with it?*****
;)
Please pass this on to any woman you know... A new scam is being pulled
on women mainly in broad daylight!
What happens is that when the intended victim stops at a traffic light, an almost NUDE, good looking, tanned, muscled young man comes up to her car and pretends to wash the windshield....
While he is doing this, another young, handsome athletic man opens the back door of the car, jumps in and insists the woman drive
off with him to some lonely spot, where he has his way with her....
They are very good at this...
They got me three times Friday and five times Saturday.......................
....................I couldn't find them on Sunday :o
The preacher
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went
before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion,
they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so
would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's
salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's
additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children
are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail
voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too
much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen"
We may be getting into the area of repeats and this may be another but here goes.
BABY:
On this morning a woman and her baby was taking public transportation. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby."
The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?" She replied,"I am. That bus driver just insulted me.""You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I were you I would take down his badge number and report him." You're right sir I think I will.
The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number
and I'll hold your monkey for you."
A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour
of duty, and was leaving
his Mission in the jungle where he has spent
years teaching the natives,
when he realizes that the one thing he never
taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief,
"This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts,
"Tree."
The Priest pleased with the response. They
walk a little farther and he
points to a rock and says,
"This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts,
"Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic
about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly
responds,
"Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls
out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the
chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and
kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
YOU BE THE JUDGE....Ungrateful wife, or unfaithful husband?
The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom
having relations with a beautiful, sexy young lady!
"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do
this to me - the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving
this house, and I want a divorce!"
The husband, replies "Wait, wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen
to what happened."
"Hmmmm, I don't know. Well okay, but it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. Make it fast, you unfaithful pig you!"
The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed, and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing practically devours them.
Since she was very dirty, I asked her if she'd like to take a shower, and she did. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear
because they are too tight on you. I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary but that you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister, and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."
The husband continues his story . . . .. .."The young woman was very
grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door
she turned around and with tears streaming from her eyes, she asked me:
"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use"
:rolleyes:
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I
get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off
this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as
well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it
to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch"
Hope everyone has a great weekend.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Flaherty. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Flaherty, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression tha you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
Have you read this one?
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL MOTHERS.
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the
driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know
why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck
and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for
you!"
I said "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the
jumping up and down, when she told me that she was
pregnant!
I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed
her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I
couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are
going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting
pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, (You're going to love this!)
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought
the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came
out positive!"
Yeah, I'm just full of 'em today. Must be Friday!!!!
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California today except the women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands.
THEN WHY DO YOU CARE!!!!
Subject: Health care I recently went on Medicare and had to pick a new primary care physician. After two visits and many lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
" Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and asked: "Then why do you care?"
Lawyers should never ask a Southern Grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern Small-Town Prosecuting Attorney called his first witness. A Grandmotherly, Elderly Woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your Wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the Defense Attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his Wife with three different Women. One of them was your Wife. Yes, I know him."
The Defense Attorney almost died. The Judge asked both Counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you Idiots asks her if she knows Me, I'll send you BOTH to the Electric Chair." :D :D
ROFLOL :D - Gotta love them Grandmotherly, Elderly Southern Women.
ANOTHER GRANDMA JOKE--DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE IS FROM THOUGH:
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been
playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the
house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are
sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's
called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and
went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is
not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!" "And Jimmy's Mom
wants to talk to you"!!
:D
Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That
Cowboy Movie (Brokeback Mountain) :
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner.
5. "You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7."Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9."Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy
:eek:
Hmm and the hero of Toy Story is a cowboy named Woody who when his string gets pulled says "There's a snake in my boots" ?!?!?!??!
:eek: :eek:Quote:
Originally Posted by Nix
Gives new meaning to the old one liner "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me".
Ya know, now that you mention it, Woody and Buzz Lightyear sure do seem to be "good friends".... :rolleyes:
Well Buzz is always telling us he's a Space Ranger.
I always thought he was referring to Outer Space...............https://discussions.virtualdr.com/im.../2011/05/4.gif
:d Lol!
Brokeback Mountain eh; GetaGrrrip. A few laughs there!!!
(Just noticed, my speller suggests Outgrip for your name) :p
This is not the customary joke seen here and if this works, you will see jokes via cartoons:
Have a good laugh----it's TGIF:
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
works for me......:D...some funny stuff.Quote:
Originally Posted by buf
I like the one about people becoming like computers. My wife's problem is she sounds more like a Mr.Coffee® machine in the morning. :eek: