lmao Tech :D
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lmao Tech :D
Ok, Delete the word Rugby, and change the venue and competing sides to that of your favourite sport and teams that have the biggest rivalry!!!!
I however, will continue with mine!!! :rolleyes:
A Welsh fan was watching a Six Nations game against England at Twickenham, London.
In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat - right next to him.
"Who does that seat belong to?" asked Dai from the row behind.
"I got the ticket for my wife," replied the fan
"But why isn't she here?"
"I'm afraid she died in an accident."
"So you're keeping the seat vacant as a mark of respect," said Dai.
"No," said the fan, "I offered it to all of my friends."
"So why didn't they take it," asked a puzzled Dai.
"They've all gone to the funeral."
UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it make good common sense that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
Do Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks?"
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Now that tax time in the USA is *OVER* (whew), did you ever notice:
When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells
" THEIRS"?
lol :D
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "The wall! Watch the ****ing wall!"
O good one, watch the wall...:D
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director,' we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'
This year a definition was required for the contemporary term,
'Political Correctness'.
The winner wrote:
'Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional,
illogical, liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an
unscrupulous mainstream media,
which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible
to pick up a turd by the clean end.'
Or how about this:
Stress is: The mind's reaction against the body's desire to beat the living s**t out of someone who richly deservs it.
Diplomacy is: The ability to tell a person to go to hell and make him anxious to get there.
Stressed is desserts spelled backwards.
President Bush, the First Lady, and Dick Cheney are flying on Air Force One.
George looks at Laura, chuckles and says,
"You know, I could throw a $1,000.00 bill out the window right now and make
somebody very happy."
Laura shrugs her shoulders and says,
"Well, I could throw ten $100.00 bills out the window and make 10 people
very happy."
Cheney says,
"Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $10.00 bills out the window and
make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot,
"Such bigshots back there..... Hell, I could throw all of them out the window
and make 56 million people very happy."
:D
LOL and a :D I laughed at that one the first time I saw it. Just laughed again.
Just realized---should have posted this here:
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 AM, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, 'How will I know if they are pregnant?'
The other farmer replied, 'If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not.'
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again, and proceeded to try again. This process continued each morning for more than a week.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, 'Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.'
'Neither', yelled his wife, 'they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.
lol :D good one buf
Pun Intended
1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because
it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
The code enforcement officer writing the citation must have been hard pressed to reach his/her goal of tickets for that week. (see #7) Killjoy.