Anyone heard any new jokes lately?

An old one??

As a truck stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and precedes down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.


Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window and after she lowers it, he says...


"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Iowa and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

What did hillary say after having an affair with bill gates?
Now,,, i see where you got your company name!

Have you seen this one before??

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a base ball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife
that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's
10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and
two said that he was still there.

:) I love my buddies! :o

Posted this on the Home Theatre Forum and got complaints??? Prove to me that VirtualDr has a sense of humour...

While on his morning walk, the ex-British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, falls over,
has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency ward at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.


So Tony's soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says Tony.

Saint Peter says "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself.
He says that, since the implementation of his new ''HEAVEN CHOICES'' policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven.
Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity"

"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,"' replies Tony.

"I'm sorry... but we have our rules," Saint Peter interjects.

With that, Saint Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down... all the way to Hell.

The doors open and Tony finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.
The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22°C.

In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries, who had helped him out over the years, John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc.

In fact, all the Labour Party and Trade Union leaders were there...every one laughing and happy, casually, but expensively, dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times…

The fun they had getting rich at the expense of "Suckers and Peasants".

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Blair with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, Tony!"

"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Blair, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!"


Tony takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the European Constitution, Education, Immigration and Tough on Crime promises.
They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Blair steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, Tony is in Heaven, and Saint Peter is waiting for him.


"Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours, Tony Blair is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently.
Not a nasty prank or smart-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster.

And these people are all poor.
He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special! 'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity."

With the "Deal or No Deal" theme playing softly in the background, Tony reflects for a minute... then answers: "'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this. I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all, but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren, scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic, industrial waste… kind of like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback.
He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Blair and puts an arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Tony.

"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila.

We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody is miserable!"


The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!' Amen.

Home Theater = Theater, and no theater person has a sense of humor. They're too busy being liberals!

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing! You should see the back of mine!"

God's Problem Now

When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
"Well, she's there."

Good one! :)
However, I think it would be better if this line:

Quote:

---

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
"Well, she's there."

---

Was changed to

The little old lady looked at the paster and calmly said,
"Well, he's there."

:D :D

Oh, hush.:rolleyes: Unless you're finally admitting that guys run the show....https://discussions.virtualdr.com/im.../2008/02/5.gif

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lgbpop

Oh, hush.:rolleyes: Unless you're finally admitting that guys run the show....http://www.taurusclub.com/forum/styl...ault/mike1.gif

---

First off, me - HUSH!!?? That'll be the day! :D

Secondly, guys NEVER run the show, women only let them think they do ;)

(disclaimer: I don't hate men, just ask my husband. For any sensitive people, this is only a joke and is in the correct forum.)

:D

GG, I didn't write it; I only passed it on. From your viewpoint, your line would have been more politically correct:p

That's me, politically correct!

(yeah, that's sarcasm...)

:D

BLOND are you GetAGrrrip?
:o

If so: I'm un.......subscribing.

Super --> :o :o , at some of my non-PC Policed jokes.

Steve_83
;)

End the work week with this groaner AND I know this joke is not for "everyone" ;)

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender handed it to him and pushed over a bowl of nuts.

The man was having a sip of his beer when he heard a tiny voice say, “Nice tie.” The man looked around but saw no one. He took another sip when he heard, Nice hat, too.”

The patron quickly put down his beer, saw no one else around and asked the bartender, “I keep hearing a tiny voice saying nice things. What’s going on?”

The bartender nodded knowingly and said, “Oh, it’s the nuts. They’re complimentary.