Anyone heard any new jokes lately?

From Santa to;
My dear Friends:

As Christmas is tight this year, I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts.

Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree
that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below.

How to make bedroom slippers:

You need four maxi pads to make a pair of my slippers.

Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.
Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.

These slippers are:
* Soft and Hygienic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable
* Environmentally safe
* Three convenient sizes: (1) Regular, (2) Light and (3) Get out the sand bags.

I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself.

Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.

Sorry but the pic did not materialize and so I cannot attach it. Hope your imagination works well.

PS: I didn't touch this posting. I think it was posted in my absence. That's my story and I'm sticking with it;)

The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in
front of a huge crowd.

'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so
to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope,
"Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make
every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits
rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually,
the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance,
considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know
that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in
the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary
display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their
hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of
your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH SHXX' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.


THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM OKLAHOMA AND TEXAS AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS SHXX.'

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his
girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,
" Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu. "

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon! " said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu.

I love you and it's the perfect time, " Pedro begged.
" But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the
moon. " replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me!!!!! "

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, " OK, one time,
we'll do Weeweechu. "

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
" Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year. "

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!


NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER! :p


Steve_83 :D

That is funny Steve and if I recall correctly, Big John was about to censor that joke when I posted it about a year ago. But then he got to the punch line and had his good laugh.

steve_83

Oh man, that was SUCH a GROANER!!

:)

Not Chrismassy but I liked it.



An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.


"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.


The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The Canadian gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.

"Impossible. All Canadians have to show their passports on arrival in France!"


The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look Then he quietly explained. "Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D- Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any damned Frenchmen to show it to".

The Tiny Cabin

A tourist from the New York City area was hiking through
the mountains of North Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin
he had ever seen in his life.

Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" he asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the
kid.

"But," protested the city slicker, "are you never
together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door.
"This is the outhouse!"

Good one Buff

HARD AT WORK



These men are concreting solid steel pillars to stop vehicles from
parking on the pavement outside a sports bar downtown. They are cleaning
up at the end of the day.


How long do you think it will be before they realize where their vehicle
is parked?




http://img136.imageshack.us/img136/8...datworkiu3.jpg

http://img150.imageshack.us/img150/9012/frostyub9.gif

A lady was video taping her son riding a skate board when her attention switched to an old woman trying to cross the street. It is the best direct hit I have seen in some time. You can hear the lady that is taping also giggling as she records the event.

You have to watch closely and have your sound turned up more than normal.

http://files.ww.com/files/42735.html

That's worth getting old for!

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.


With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"



The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, :o and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little sh** on your knee!!"

:D

If you have had this happen, you can better understand but IF you have done it(snap decisions)---raise your hand; either one. :D
buf

THE BOSS

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you'll love this...

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked,'How much money do you make a week?'A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied,'I make $400 a week. Why?'The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed,'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'!

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here?"From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'