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A tough old cowboy from Norris, Montana, counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man," and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
"You not Nissan Main Deala?":rolleyes:
An old one??
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers; the woman says, 'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. :p
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days'.
Flattered, the man replies,
'Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!
But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this!!, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies,
'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....' :rolleyes:
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitc**s.
Don't mess with em.
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.... did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Merry Christmas buddy!>
(Rednecks know how to Git-R-Dun)
In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop to single digits or below.
About 3 a.m. , one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver''s door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.
The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into ''drive'' and hit the gas. The car''s speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.
Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding (but stationary) car.
The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled, "Pull over!"
The man nodded, turned his wheel, and stopped the engine.
Needless to say, the man from North Dakota was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Montana who could run 50 miles per hour.
Who says troopers don't have a sense of humor?
I love jokes about drunks; jokes mind you--not true stories, especially if it is one that I could see myself taking part in.
This would be a great one for the likes of Tim Conway.
Yeah, jokes about drunks are always good. Remember Otis from The Andy Griffith show? He's one of my favorite drunks, though in real life he said he'd never really been drunk.
When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a New Truck
:)
Steve_83
Las Vegas Churches
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS ,
BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO
CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE
DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN
MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF
ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS! :)
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?
GOTCHA !! :p
GetaGrrrip, you got a real grrrrroaner on that one. :)
Laughing so hard my belly hurts, and so will the Fellows at Conception Abbey when we do our 08 weekend sabbatical there! :D
Steve_83
A Missouri Tigers fan (one of the few left) is drinking in a Kansas JayHawkers bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Missouri baby boy weighing 25 pounds. :eek:
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Tigers fan just shrugs and replies,
"That's about average back home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Missouri baby boy."
"He's gonna be a Missouri Tigers football player."
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!"
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says,
"Say, aren't you the father of that typical Missouri baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?"
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.
"So, how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious.
"What happened?
He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" :confused:
The Tigers fan father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised."
GO TIGERS!!! (yeah right) :rolleyes:
The pastor asked if any one in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said,"I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium.
He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is......
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STERNUM
The Blonde & the Snow Storm:
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snowplow went by, and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted...but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot now and was heading over to Kmart next.............
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REDNECK MARKETING
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A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, if he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up and again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time, the proprietor said,"Sorry, it was 3, you were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray, it ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week."