"They done it on purpose" was pretty funny Train.
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"They done it on purpose" was pretty funny Train.
Grandmaw:
old is a matter of opinion.
THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA
The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true!
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy,''Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me.
This is a tribute to all the Grandmas who have been fearless
and learned to use the Computer........
They are the greatest!!!
We do not stop playing because we grow old;
We grow old because we stop playing.
NEVER Be The First To Get Old!
An old Ethnic Carpenter is Applying for a job and must answer Three questions :
Here’s your first question ,the foreman said .. Without using numbers , represent the number 9..
Without numbers ? The ethnic carpenter says .. Dat is easy, and proceeds to draw three trees ..
What’s this the Forman asks ..
Ave you a no brain ? Tree and tree and tree make 9 ..
Fair enough , says the Forman .. Here is your second question ..Use the same rules , But this time the number is 99..
The carpenter stares into space foe a while , then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree ..Ere ya go..
The Forman scratches and says , How on earth do you get that to represent 99 ?
Each of da trees is dirty now ! So it’s dirty tree , and dirty tree and dirty tree .. Dat is a 99 ..
The Forman is worried he is going to to have to hire this guy, so he says , All right .. Last question , Same rules again , But represent the number 100..
The old ethnic carpenter stares into space some more , then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree,and says , ere ya go 100..
The Forman looks at the attempt .. You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred !
The old ethnic carpenter leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says , A littla dog come along and a crap by each tree , So now you got dirty tree and a turd , dirty tree and a turd ,and dirty tree and a turd which a makes one hundred ..
So when a I Start ?
I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Help Hotline.
I was put through to a call center in Pakistan.
I explained that I was feeling suicidal.
They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane...
It's about time, too :)
http://img138.imageshack.us/img138/4...sremotemx0.jpg
Now you have started something!! I bought one of those for my wife 37 days ago and have since been hit on the head twice. You see, she didn't like the way I re-arranged some of the buttons.:D
Hmm...okay...
Coming soon! An improved Woman's Remote Control that will blow up if a man tampers with it.
;)
GG, you are like a cabbage ----always a head :) I give in/up or whatever!!!!
My rebuttal: (Just received this---what timing!!)
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ' the rules'
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
UPS.....
Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but
only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who
fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called
a 'gripe sheet, 'which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said
that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has
never, ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet
per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and
be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
ROFL :)
I can't resist a challenge Buf. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by buf
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof!
the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful ba****ds should remember
fairies are female.
:D
AN OLD ONE:
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We
decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all
different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at
him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the
matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke
on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style
he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had an affair with a
peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'