Anyone heard any new jokes lately?

Mole Family

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Yum! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLEASSES!
(Yes, you know you're gonna pass it on!)

Rolling-the-Dice

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table when a very
attractive blonde gal from Louisiana arrived ....and bet
twenty-thousand dollars
($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play
topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and
yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... And squealed...
"YES!
YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers... And then picked up her winnings and
her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared a each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know.. I thought you were watching."

Moral ---

Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men..... Are men.

Irish ghost story (Sounds more like a drunk's story to me)


An Irish Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night
was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could
hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming
towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without
thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, only to realize
there was nobody b ehind the wheel and the engine
wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through The
window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the
hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed
him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and
out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the
horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when
everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the
stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said
to the other.."Look Paddy.....there's that friggin idiot that got in
the car while we were pushing it!!!!"

THE OSTRICH

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $19.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the

exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke. "The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want

for as long as you live!"

That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there ," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What 's with the ostrich?"







The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big a**e and long legs who agrees with everything I say"

http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/5...tanktopau7.jpg


:eek:

Gotta ask, are these men's briefs after doing a bit of alterations? If so, very innovative. Would rather have been presented with the front (to remove any suspicions/doubts).

http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/5514/golfim2.gif

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by buf

Gotta ask, are these men's briefs after doing a bit of alterations? If so, very innovative. Would rather have been presented with the front (to remove any suspicions/doubts).

---

Hmm...well, it looks like the front of the briefs that we're seeing, but of course, I know you mean you want to see the FRONT of that uh...lady-uh, no can't call her that...uh...that female. ;) :D

Thanks for the explanation. I think it safe to assume that the pic was taken after the gator had her way with the golfer. Perhaps that explains the alterations because he would no longer need 'em.

I was implying without saying that the wearer of the renovated briefs could have been a he. That's why I mentioned the front.

A hunter and his friend were quail hunting near Highway 281 in
Russell , KS early one cold opening morning.

Suddenly, the dogs pointed out a large covey still in their roost.

Moving quickly toward the dogs, he removed the safety from his shotgun.
As he was about to bust the covey, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slooooooowly down Hwy 281. :(
The hunter quickly turned on his safety, set the shotgun down, took off his hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was stunned.
"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do.
You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah,........ Well......, we were married for 35 years."

:)

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea :o and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.


In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the
bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A druNk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get
the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the druNk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the
sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter),
and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The DruNk , still staring down replied: "I thimk I just beat the cra* out of a ghost."

That's my favorite Halloween Joke :)

It Was No Accident
AN INSURANCE agent was talking to a farmer, trying to sell him a life insurance policy.

"Have you ever met with an accident?" asked the insurance agent.

"No," replied the farmer, "but a mule kicked me in the ribs once, and a rattlesnake bit me on the leg."

"Good grief!" exclaimed the agent. "Don't you consider those accidents?"

"Naw," said the farmer. "They done it on purpose."

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All in a Day's Work
A FARMER and his hired man were eating breakfast. Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer thought that stopping to eat later would be a waste of time. So he told the hired man he should go ahead and eat his lunch, too.

The hired man refilled his plate and ate a second time. Pretty soon, the farmer said, "We've got so much to do, you may as well eat your supper now, too."

The hired man did as he was told, filled his plate a third time and polished it off. Then he pushed back his chair and began to take off his shoes.

"What are you doing?" asked the farmer.

The hired man turned to him and said, "You know I don't work after dinner."

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It's in the Details
OVERHEARD AT a beauty salon:

"I don't have any wrinkles. I just happen to have more details than most."

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No Need to Panic
A PLANE loaded with passengers was flying across the country when one of the engines caught on fire.

As the plane started losing altitude, the passengers began screaming.

Just then, the pilot came out of the cockpit wearing a parachute.

"Be calm, folks," the pilot said as he opened the airplane door. "I'm going for help."

I haven't seen or heard your Halloween joke in many years. I think I am just addicted to jokes about drunks and that one probably topped all of them. It does loose some of the "luster" by having to substitute a word here and there.