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SUBJECT: DRINK OF WATER
A Texan is walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a
stock tank with one of his hands.
The Texan shouts,,,,,,,, " Hey, don't drink that water,,,, It has cow $**t in it!!!!!!!!!!!
The Man shouts back "Soy mexicano, yo no entiendo inglis. Hableme espaqol."
(I'm Mexican, I don't speak English. speak Spanish to me.)
The Texan shouts back,,,,,, "Utilice ambas manos, usted conseguiramas para beber."
(Use both hands, you'll get more to drink.)
Some guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender. "Can i get a Less?"?
The bartender goes, "What the hell is Less?"
The guy goes, "I don't know but my doctor told me i should start drinking Less immediately."
Last night I dreamed I ate a 10 lb marshmellow, this morning my pillow was gone.
Top NFL complaints
Top NFL Complaints
- After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition.
- Calling "heads or tails" but never getting any. . . "head" or "tail".
- Players get "the wave". . . refs get "the finger".
- Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan.
- With Reggie White retired, the penalty for "Illegal use of a racial slur" is meaningless.
- Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin' CLEVELAND!!!
- Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky.
- Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it's black and white week after week after week!
- Don King only bribes boxing judges.
- Official rule books not made in Braille.
- I'm the one that everybody wants to kill, so where's MY helmet and pads?!
Question: If a turtle looses it's shell, is it homeless or naked?
I would have to say, Naked. :eek:
NOW I know why I am NOT in the NFL. Some good one liners there Sidewinder.
I would have to say the turtle is both homeless and naked along with "showing off" by showing whatever in under a shell.
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it:
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter. ....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
imadreamer2 Question: If a turtle looses it's shell, is it homeless or naked?
After giving some additional thought to the question above, maybe a better answer might be: SHE just wanted to be topless.
Hmm, been a while since anyone's posted any new jokes....
Don't let your mother send out wedding invitations if she doesn't like your wife-to-be.
http://img530.imageshack.us/img530/5...ncementap8.jpg
I like that one. :D
Here's some more:
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just declare dark to be the new industry standard.
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A church service was in full swing, the pews were packed.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had left the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that the Devil was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
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A guy called Jeff is sitting at the bar in a packed pub, mulling over his thoughts over a shot of whiskey on the 91st floor of a huge building. A guy walks into the room, sits a few stools away from him and orders a huge, tall frosty glass of beer.
The guy downs the glass of beer in no time at all, turns around and walks to one of the windows - opens it up and leaps out.
'Jesus Christ! That man just jumped out of the window!', cries Jeff....
'Don't worry, he'll be fine... he's always doing that' says the Bartender.
'What!?'
'He'll probably be back up in a minute... bloody fool'
To Jeff's amazement, the guy reappears on the 91st floor... sits a few seats away from him... orders another huge beer, drinks it all... opens the window and jumps out.
This carries on for about 15 minutes, when Jeff finally has had enough of this bizzareness...
'How in the heck are you doing that? You've jumped out of the 91st floor of a building at least 10 times now and your still alive!?'
'It's quite simple my dear friend... you see when you down a huge glass of beer... the beer goes down into your stomache but makes your insides slightly warmer and realease warm air... if you jump out of the window, the warm air will start to rise and you'll actually become lighter than the air... and just float down to ground!'
'I don't believe you...', says Jeff
The guy downs another tall glass of beer.... 'Watch me then...'
Jeff and the guy walk over to the window, the guy jumps out... and to Jeff's amazement he floats down to the ground.
A few minutes later the guy is back on the 91st floor.
'Wow... it really works... let me try!'
Jeff orders a huge beer, drinks it down and jumps out of the window...
*SPLAT*
Jeff is now as flat as a pancake on the pavement below...
The bartender walks up to the guy and says...
'Superman... you're a real ******* when you're drunk!'
Liam
Too late GG. They eloped :D
Not really a joke but instead----truths :p
Black and White (Under age 40? You won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE.. and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers, sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school, caught all sorts of negative attention.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Our nurses wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.
I just can not recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better
because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.
Now it's a trip to the E.R., followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel
where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home .
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for
being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?
We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire
country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?
LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T- SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING
Remember that life's most simple pleasures are very often the best.
Very true buf. :)