Anyone heard any new jokes lately?

Thanks Sidewinder---he got my 10 spot!! (Gotta help him keep his lifestyle :D )
Here's another good one:

Guilty


Two elderly friends, Morris and Sam, met in the park every day to feed
the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Morris didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Morris hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam got worried.
Unfortunately he didn't know where Morris lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.

After a month passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Morris, but one
day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold there sat Morris!

Sam,excited and happy, said how glad he was to see him, then blurted out,
"For crying out loud, what on earth happened to you?"

"I've been in jail," Morris said, with some embarrassment.
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Morris said, "you know Marilyn , that cute little blonde waitress at
the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old,
I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

"And you were convicted of rape?", asked Sam, stunned.
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Morris replied, "No, the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

Good one buf, keep them coming! ;)

A lively song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEJfS1v-fU0

Yes English is the language of the U.S.A. :) nice little tune buf. :D

If a man is bald in front, he's a thinker.
If he's bald in back, he's a lover.
If he's bald in front and back, he thinks he's a lover.

Read this one before??

CAN YOU GET MARRIED IN HEAVEN?

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. "Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER!?

:D :D

Good One!

Psychopath Test

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the
bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.

No one I know has got it right

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not
know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy
so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his
number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.



Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?



Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below


























Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered
this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous
American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a
killer.

Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question
correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email list...

Not exactly a joke and I don't know how this will appear:

This could happen to you.

Nancy was barely sitting down when she heard a voice

from the other stall saying:


"Hi, how are you?"



she's not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but

not knowing what got into her,

she answered, somewhat embarrassed,


"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:


"So what are you up to?"



What kind of question is that?

At that point, Nancy thinking this is too bizarre so she says:


"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"



At this point Nancy is just trying to get out as fast as she can

when she heard another question.


"Can I come over?"



OK, this question is just too weird for her but she figured

she could just be polite and end the conversation. Nancy tells them


"No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"



Then she heard the person say nervously...


"Listen, I'll have to call you back.

There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
*****************
If only the pic had been at the beginning of this story, it would have looked better. You'll get the message :D

There just seems to be less and less appreciation for
the sacrifices we males make....

My wife left me. I don't understand. After the last
child was born, she told me we had to cut back on
expenses, I had to give up drinking beer.

I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up, but the other day, when she came
home from shopping and I looked at the receipt and saw
$45 in makeup, I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up
beer and you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back....

Ex Con (" a time-out in life" :cool: ) Parrot Hilton claims shes has: Never done drugs:

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/tv/140...is_Hilton.html

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive...ishilton1.html

I guess she simply never inhaled.

Worked fine for our former (impeached) President! :D

Hey steve-83.
Worked fine for our former (impeached) President!

Maybe she did but we have a long overdue impeachable guy occupying the Presidents Office now and his guy in charge of many vices is HIS VP

http://www.omnimaxx.com/graphics/algore1.jpg

http://img504.imageshack.us/img504/7729/1306qx4.jpg


Liam

Thanks Liam----HE is a JOKE!!!!!!!(Poor substitute at that)