What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash your face in a buffalo.
Printable View
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash your face in a buffalo.
Virus alert.
There is a new virus: code name is "work." If you receive "work," from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or any where else, do not touch "work" under any circumstances!! This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with this virus, put on your jacket and take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order three beers and after repeating 14 times, you will find that "work" has been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life. This virus is deadly. Please pay close attention to it and take heed.
LITTLE OLD LADY
A good looking biker stops by the Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. Next, he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home.
The owner said, "Put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."
"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.
But in the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me against the wall and ravish me.
The biker said, "Holy smokes, Lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke with a good old Camel cigarette, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued to smoke her Camel.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely. She is, after all, over 80 years of age. But very delicately the pharmacist asks Lady 1 what brand she prefers.
The elderly Lady 1 replied "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel".
It was reported that the pharmacist fainted.
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so The pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor. The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked,
"Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
Q: What is Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?
A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.
A POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER THIRTY
A Computer was something on TV,
From a science fiction show of note.
A Window was something you hated to clean,
And a Ram was the father of a goat.
Meg was the name of a girlfriend,
And Gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things,
And that really Mega Bytes.
An Application was for employment,
A Program was a TV show.
A Cursor used profanity,
A Keyboard was a piano.
A memory was something you lost with age,
A CD was a bank account;
And if you hand a 3-inch floppy,
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file,
And if you Unzipped anything in public,
You’d be in jail for a while.
Log On was adding wood to the fire,
Hard Drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And Backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocketknife,
Paste you did with glue;
A Web was a spider’s home,
And a Virus was the flu.
I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper,
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody’s been killed in a Computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
Author Unknown.
First, I'd like to say that I don't take offense at the last joke - in fact, I quite like it. Very clever.Quote:
A POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER THIRTY
However, it does go to show how little the "younger" generation knows about computers or computer history. I am almost 60-years-old and began my career as a (part-time) computer operator and (BASIC & FORTRAN) programmer in the late 1960s while in college.
And let's not forget that the term "bug" (along with RAM, bytes, and keyboard ... among others) goes back even further than that. If I'm not mistaken, "bug" goes back to the 1940s when the first one was discovered - an insect trapped between two vacuum tubes in a computer (the UNIVAC?) that died while shorting out the circuit and causing the computer to crash.
Again, no offense but computer use is not the exclusive domain of the younger generation.
Haha, I'm only repeating it exactly as I saw it the first time, and yes I remember hearing of the story of the 'bug' in computer. Glad you don't take offence to it :D
Sorry I'm a bt slow when it comes to jokes some times, maybe it's a religious think.Quote:
Originally Posted by imadreamer2
Can you explain please ?
Is it some sort of play on words ?
Maybe you just had to be there.
Have you not heard Baptist's love to eat. Everything is a reason to have a pot luck. Someone brings meat dish, someone brings a casserole, someone brings salad etc. Most Baptist's are overweight, they eat and eat and eat. Thus the casserol represents the Baptist faith in the eyes of Tommy.
Tales of the Technologically challenged
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just
doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player
and all I get is weird noises. Listen...
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
===============
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound so good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet ... it's still on
my desk ... sorry...
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I
try, it says 'Can't find printer.' I've even lifted the printer and placed
it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same
time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type "P"
to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Liam
You still find that funny? Half a game up :DQuote:
Originally Posted by JPnyc
No i had never heard that.Quote:
Originally Posted by imadreamer2
Thanks for the explanation.
Always learning something new.
Groucho Marx Quotes:
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know.
Time Flies like an arrow. Fruit Flies like a banana
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others
Women should be obscene and not heard
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Either this man's dead, or my watch has stopped.
Liam