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This one is corny:
Las Vegas Churches
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT
THERE ARE MORE CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS
RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED
A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN
MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN
AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY CHIP MONKS!
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For Sale
Porsche For Sale
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to
yell and scream,
"Where did you get that car???"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents, we know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder.
"Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name. They just moved in.
She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche
for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on!"
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived
and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back.
He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send
him the money. So I did."
:D
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:D That is pretty good. I don't know who the more fortunate one is; the "soon-to-be exwife" or the kid. Now if he can sell his bike for $15, he will have traded up to 4 wheels from 2 for nada :D
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Eagles
True story that's funny enough to be shared :)
Co-worker's son called his father a couple of days ago, and was telling him how he watched two bald eagles the other day. They were in the air engaged in an aerial courtship ritual. He watched fascinated as the two eagles flew upwards, locked talons, and fell towards the earth while rotating, separating moments before crashing into the ground. He said it was quite spectacular to see. However, a few moments later, they both started fighting like crazy! That's when he knew they were already married...
:D
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And the song that Humperdenk (sp.) sings has the words in it: "after the loving is over". :D
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Toward the end of the Sunday service, the priest asked, "How
Many of you are willing to forgive your enemies?"
80% held up their hands. The priest then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly Lady.
"Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety eight" she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down to the front and
Tell us all how a person can live ninety eight years and not have an
Single enemy in the World?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
Faced the congregation and said:
"I outlived the bitches."
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The farmers 5 pigs
Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M.,loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed.
He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
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Has Gas come to this?
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Garfield on the Gas Crisis
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
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Well, there's a very simple answer.
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Nobody bothered to check the oil.
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We just didn't know we were getting low
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The reason for that is purely geographical.
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Our OIL is located in
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ALASKA
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California
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Coastal Florida
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Coastal Louisiana
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Kansas
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Oklahoma
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Pennsylvania and Texas
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Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington , DC !!!!
Any Questions?
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Female IT Experts
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Teaser
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was
wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was
wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a
large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he
grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously
excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by
puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and
the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake
the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her
straps fall to show a little more skin. She did...And the gorilla
was about to ! tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he
said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing
flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the
cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
:)
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Her headache suddenly went away:D
And I have one of those hanging on a shrub in the yard(NOT the IT girl but a coaster CD) Pretty when the sun hits it and the wind moves it.
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Not really a joke but one of these may bring a laugh; well maybe a little smile then.
Having a bad day? In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why thedeaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on; Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of thedoctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Still Having a Bad Day???
? The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Are you Really having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind ofwire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening and keeping the beat to his Walkman.
...And You STILL think you're having Bad Day????
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly,all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
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Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp each holding a sign.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day. Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign.
It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"
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L.O.L. good one buf. heck I would give him ten bucks...:D
