Anyone heard any new jokes lately?

"Excerpts from a Dog's Diary" (Cat's to Follow)


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary"

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the
other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I
make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must
eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps
me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once
again vomit on the carpet.



Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I
could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.



Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the
other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives
special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than
willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an
informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am
certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged
protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For
now...

Courtesy of The Red Green Show.....



The Seven Stages of Parking

Stage One - You're a kid. All you have to park is your butt.

Stage Two - You're a teenager and you park with a girl who has a good chance of being your future wife.

Stage Three - You're married with kids and are parking a mini-van at McDonald's.

Stage Four - The kids are grown and working at McDonald's, you've got a sports car and are caught parking with a girl who has no chance of being your future wife.

Stage Five - You're parking in the garage for a while, where you're also living.

Stage Six - You're old, no car no license no parking spot.

Stage Seven - You're parked. Permanently. In your own space. Even has your name over it.

I suppose that is circle of life we hear about at times when........ Gotta ask tho', what is the Red Green Show(in black)?

GG, yours was also good. I know a few prisoners but last week I found one in my tree and to have the evidence, I used the digital camera and got a few shots of him. (His name is Bailey)from next door.

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Danish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.



Not to be outdone by the Danes, in the weeks that followed, Swedish scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the Swedish newspapers read: "Swedish archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Danes."



One week later, "The Klub", a Sunburg, Minnesota newspaper, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in corn fields near Games Lake, Ole Johnson, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Norwegians were already using wireless."

The "Klub" story wins this one hands down :D

Now something a little different:

Kids are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how
I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________


TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why
his
father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did

you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog.

___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

Do you all think this one is true or just a joke? It seems to me it sounds too much like a joke.

NOW THIS IS DRUNK:

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him
to let them take him home He says NO -- he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over. They check his
license and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he
starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a
house around the block. The police tell the party animal to stay put,
they'll be right back and they run around the corner to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and fi nally decides to drive home. When he gets
there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might
come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Smith is
there and his wife says yes. They ask to see hi m and she replies that he is
in bed with the flu and has been there all day.

The police still have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she
asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage.
She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all
its lights still flashing.

True story; told by the driver at his first AA meeting

Dreamer - Urban legend or not, it was still funny. Here's what snopes says:
http://www.snopes.com/autos/law/copcar.asp

Happy Easter Everyone!

You too fido!

https://discussions.virtualdr.com/im...2007/04/21.jpg


And Watch those calories!
https://discussions.virtualdr.com/im...2007/04/22.jpg

This pic is proof enough----Just don't tick a man who off if he owns a BACKHOE!!!!

Learning to Fly

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter.

She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio. So, up the blonde went.

She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly.

She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was going smoothly.

At 3,000 feet, the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The instructor jumped into his Jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.

"What happened"? the instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then"?

"Well," began the blonde. "I got cold, so I turned off the ceiling fan."

FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political
bumper sticker. The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from
New York State . .

"RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper.

Hope this isn't........inappropriate.


THE PARROT

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful
parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this
bird used to live in a house of ill repute and sometimes it says some
pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited
for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new
madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's
really not so bad."

When her 2 daughters returned home from college the bird saw them and
said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh
about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Keith!"

The IRS decides to audit Ralph and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his
attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and
no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win
money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite
my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph
removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee
into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop
anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully
and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he
agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a
major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his
head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars
that he could come in here and wizz all over an IRS official's desk
and that you'd be happy about it

Gotta edit this Joe, but I don't know how :D (Pretty good!)

Good one about the parrott shotsi

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, He may even walk again, Although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.