Anyone heard any new jokes lately?

Miss that guy:mad: (Learned I was signed in!!!)

Anyway, GG surely I should fit somewhere in between those 3 monkeys. :D :D

Meant to say I was NOT signed in when I first attempted to read GG's joke.
You are NOT a monkey----the reference was to me.

Subject: Apples or Grapes

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.


Share this with all the good apples you know

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of
dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars, and
asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead
of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless
woman told me. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?"
I asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked. "Are
you NUTS?" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20
years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting." I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks
like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

:D

Of course, this joke comes from one of like sex:D :)

Yep, in my younger years, I have been known to do a couple of these numbered items;) esp. the screwdriver through the oil filter---what a mess that was!!!:mad:


Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change..
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8 ) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss..
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18 ) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28 ) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands..
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38 ) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

@ PRISON

@ WORK

you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell

you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle

you get three meals a day fully paid for

you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

you get time off for good behavior

you get more work for good behavior

the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you

you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

you can watch TV and play games

you could get fired for watching TV and playing games

you get your own toilet

you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

they allow your family and friends to visit

you aren't even supposed to speak to your family

all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required

you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out

you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

you must deal with sadistic wardens

they are called managers

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!

Good analogy SW but I'll still take the "outside". :D

I am glad we don't have any blondes on our board :D

THE BLONDE PAINTER...

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So,she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is goingto paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day , right after her husband leaves for work,she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and notices the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies, "Yes."

He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leatherjacket. She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said . . .




You'll love this . . .






Yep! I know you will . . .





"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"

Evidently someone has not seen chain gangs lately.
Surprising how many states have re-introduced them.

Sure cuts down on the number of repeaters though. :D

And even with that Train, those villains seem to fight to get back into prison. Must be the good care they perceive themselves to get for "free". Never been there and don't wanna go there myself. Watching the movies is bad enough.

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all thi s was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man.

"This is Heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every
imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic
deserts, free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for
you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated
tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!

If this has been around before, then I apolize. It is still funny though.



DIVORCE LETTER Dear Husband, I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me that you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone. P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

* * * * * * * * * Dear Ex-Wife: Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry away from what you've been.

I watch sports so much trying to drown out your Constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week; the first thing that came to mind was, "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed Rich As Hell and Free! Your Ex-Husband P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this........ but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

LAUGHS FROM EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS: (For everyone who has ever had an evaluation, just remember ... it could have been worse!)

These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a
'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is
only to change feet."

6. "This young lady had delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then
consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere
of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he
starts, the better."

10. "Got a full six pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus ... 144 times worse than an
ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a distributor."

13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

14. "He's been working with glue too much."

15. "He would argue with a signpost."

16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the
room."

17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

18. "If you see two people talking and one looks
bored, he's the other one."

19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover
glued on."

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was
done using it."

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but
the train isn't coming."

23. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the
other is out looking for it."

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be
watered twice a week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts,
you'd get change."

26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear
the ocean."

27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000
other sperm."

28. "One neuron short of a synapse."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he
only gargled."

30. "Takes him two hours to watch '60 Minutes.'"

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is
dead."

Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a
highway in rural Minnesota on the opening day of deer
season. They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering
towards them. As the one hunter raised his gun to
shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by.
The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and
stood with his head bowed until the procession was
past. Of course by then, the deer was long gone.
The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most
sportsmanlike act I've ever seen! You allowed this
trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion
and kindness toward someone's dearly departed. You are
a great humanitarian and a shining example to
sportsmen throughout the world!"
The first hunter nodded and said; "Well, we were
married for 42 years".

Don't know if these were on the list for revised songs or not but here they are anyway.

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs.. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And my favorite:
Will ie Nelson--- On the Commode Again