That is funny. The way I originally heard it was the aid rushed into George Bushes office. But either way it is funny. LOL How many is 3 brazillian? LOL.
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That is funny. The way I originally heard it was the aid rushed into George Bushes office. But either way it is funny. LOL How many is 3 brazillian? LOL.
Very clever!
sorry for confusion.........G Dubya = George W Bush!!!!! AAAAaaaaagh
A TEXAS AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to
land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R --Allah be Praised !!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound
on runway 27L."
Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's
runway 27L.- -Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC ! DALLAS ATC !!! "
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead (sigh) Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY
GOING
IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS !!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE !!!
INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell
Allah "Howdy" for us -- ya copy?
Not a real joke but...
A true story.....A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.
One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk.
After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.
There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled demurely.
Pull yourself together! she chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children; you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!
The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. She went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.
When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change---but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone?
Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something.
But no ice cream cone was in sight.
With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.
His face broke into his familiar warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse."
THOUGHTFUL HUSBAND!!!
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show him!
Deep in the back woods,of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think theres another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems theres yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, .
.. .
. .
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
First Time for Everything
AN OLD COWBOY went to church for the first time in his life and told a friend about it:
"I tied my horse to a tree in the corral," said the cowboy.
"At church, that's called a parking lot," explained the friend.
"Then I went up some steps and through the main gate."
"That's called the front door in a church."
"Inside, a man in a suit and tie gave me a piece of paper and pointed to a chute I should go down."
"That's called an aisle in church."
"Then I saw an empty stall and sat down."
"That's called a pew."
"Oh," said the cowboy. "That's exactly what the lady next to me said—'P-U'."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Where's the Fire?
TWO BUZZARDS were flying over the desert when a jet whizzed by them, its exhaust spouting flame and smoke. As the plane sped out of sight, one buzzard said, "That bird was really in a hurry."
"You'd be, too," said the other buzzard, "if your tail was on fire."
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just
> > >>> > > > at
> > >>> > > > that moment, a bee flew in his window.
> > >>> > > >
> > >>> > > > The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
> > >>> > > >
> > >>> > > > "I'm out of gas."
> > >>> > > >
> > >>> > > > The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
> > >>> > > >
> > >>> > > > Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew
> > >>> > > > to his car and into his gas tank.
> > >>> > > >
> > >>> > > > After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
> > >>> > > > "Try it now," said one bee.
> > >>> > > >
> > >>> > > > The man turned the ignition key and the car started right
> > >>> > > > up.
> > >>> > > >
> > >>> > > > "Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?
> > >>> > > >
> > >>> > > > The bee answered, "BP."
STUPID OR WHAT? THEY WALK AMONG US!
I was calling to order a pizza ,with the menu in hand, I order a large pizza with ground beef, bacon, and extra cheese and the girl on the phone says "oh I'm sorry we don't have any ground beef" so I say "but here on the menu it says you have hamburger" and she responds "Oh well we have hamburger!" So I said, ok I'll take the hamburger instead of the ground beef then.
She says no problem!
They Walk Among Us
________________________
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!
___________________________
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"
They Walk Among Us!
_____________________
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore
. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
They Walk Among Us!
__________________________
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
________________________
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"
I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
They Walk Among Us!
___________________________
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands..
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?".
They Walk Among Us!
__________________________________
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.
* Memorial
A woman's husband dies. He had left $30, 000 to be used for an elaborate funeral. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that "there is absolutely nothing left from the $30,000."
The friend asks, "How can that be?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6, 500. And of course I made a donation to the church -- that was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks -- you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$22, 500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"
The widow says, "Four and a half carats."
Firearms Refresher Course all it really takes is: some COMMON SENSE!
1. An armed man is a citizen & an unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3 Colt: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7. "Free" men do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.
11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
14. Guns only have two enemies: rust and politicians.
15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs safer.
20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
22. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
23. Enforce the "gun control laws" we ALREADY have, don't make more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
26. "A government of the people, by the people, for the people..."
Guess I had some thoughts on posting this here but it makes so much sense to me that I felt I should even only one part of it seems to me to be a joke that being the Colt = original point & click interface
I dunno. The 'all Rights reserved' tag added to the Constitutional copyright is kind of funny. As to the rest, though...yeah.
And about item #5: I remember reading an article a few months back, in the online edition of a Scottish newspaper (don't remember what paper, sorry,) about a decision by the Scottish Parliment to ban swords, ostensibly in an effort to cut down on blade crimes. Just goes to show that no matter how absurd something might be, a government somewhere will seriously consider it.
And, in an effort not to completely clog the post with non-joke material, I present the following, sparked by the 'weatherman accuracy' topic a few days ago.
A man called his local news station one day. This is how the conversation went.
"Hello, W*** News. May I help you?"
"Hi, yeah. My name is Tom Smith. Could I please speak to your weatherman for a moment?"
"I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but he's out of the office right now, and won't be back for a few hours. May I take a message?"
"Yeah, that'd be great, thanks. Would you please tell him I had to shovel six inches of 'partly cloudy' off my driveway yesterday?" -CLICK-
Great stuff guys :D
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the
custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet
and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this
world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of
his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes
out does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
Don't laugh, he won!