Anyone heard any new jokes lately?

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
"Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer,
"How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled . .
"Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following night found the same police officer
In the area when he noticed the two ladies
Driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."


or this one
Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer's barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn. "We don't give you the money," a company official explained. "We replace the barn and all the equipment in it."
"In that case," replied the wife, "cancel the policy I have on my husband."

NEW YORK -
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.Kennedy
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Gonzales said hebelieves the man is a member of the notorious
Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the
FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Ashcroft said. "They desire solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of
absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of
the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek
philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'

'When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would have given us
more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not
recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by igual

NEW YORK -
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.Kennedy
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Gonzales said hebelieves the man is a member of the notorious
Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the
FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Ashcroft said. "They desire solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of
absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of
the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek
philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'

'When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would have given us
more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not
recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

---

ROFL- love it...ainnt it the truth... :eek:

This is a true story, told to me by my co-worker :) I thought this was funny, and hopefully you will, too.

My co-worker recently adopted a rescue border collie. He now has two border collies, his 2 year old female, and the new 8 month old border collie pup.

Recently, his wife had a TV tray out and had some salsa and chips on it. She left the room briefly, and when she came back...the salsa was all gone! Yep, the new pup was responsible for it. Luckily for them all, the pup didn't get an upset tummy from it. A couple of days later, the pup was in the back yard playing when he found a tomato that had fallen off the vine. He grabbed it, put it by the door to the house, then went back to the garden and picked a pepper which he took back to where the tomato was...we're guessing he was planning on making his own salsa? :)
Anyway,they're thinking about changing his name to Juan or Jose now :D

lmao GG ... too funny :D

And they're referring to him as a South of the Border Collie :)

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
*
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
*
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to
the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who
were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but
they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily
tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over,
ripped
out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back
off!! Or I'll kick the s... out of all of you !
*
"St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
*
"Just a couple of minutes ago."

(received this from a friend with a wicked sense of humor)!



Great diet.

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog Lola - and was in
line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........

Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The
Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in
the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's
in both
arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I
told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is
to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally
complete
so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was
that why I ended up in the hospital?

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit
me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

:D :D

lmao Poppy :D

Just in case someone wants a laugh today(it's been a week since the last post!!!)

Back in Kentucky, you didn't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--and into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' about the good ol' days when Maw spots the biggest bird she had ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw straightens up and says, "Git my gun, Maw."

She runs into the house and brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster-size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

Blonde's Year in Review


January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels....Helllloooo!!!...bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a
slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the
Other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped
Because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per
Pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button
on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

lmao Dreamer ... I like that :D

Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bed sock was taped to each walker; in hopes
that Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grand-kids had sent us some Christmassy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter.
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight p.m. stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
Afore long you'll be with us -- we wish you the best.

That's a funny one :)

An aide rushes into G Dubya`s office and tells him that 3 Brazilian soldiers have been killed in Iran. G Dubya breaks down in tears but pulls himself together and asks "How many exactly is 3 Brazilian"