And I still say that I didn't come into this world with much and I still have most of it.
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And I still say that I didn't come into this world with much and I still have most of it.
Hope this is a new one for everyone:
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. "Tray-up, Bitch."
ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winning definitions are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation whilst drunk
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly; he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied . . . "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence . . . He farted :D
Twenty Dollars
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drUnKEn state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank, which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out:
"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!
Football Related. :D
Bloke comes home from the bar drunk at 4am in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he tries to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and lets rip a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"
He replies, "Touchdown, I'm up 7 nothing."
She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, "What was that?"
She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replied, "Half time, switch sides."
-------------------------------------------------
The place kicker missed his attempt at a field goal. He was so angry, he went to kick himself and missed again.
They call it their nickel defense, because that's what it's worth.
Wife to friend:"The most exciting play of the season was when Fred sat on the cheese dip."
I would have played football, but I have an intestinal problem - no guts.
I knew that he was on steroids. His I.Q. and neck size were the same number.
"I know I told you that I loved you more than football, honey, but that was during the strike."
Wife: "It's Super Monday. Football season is over!"
You know that your coaching job is in trouble when the marching band forms a noose at half-time.
Old quarterbacks never die. They just pass away.
We have so many players on the disabled list the team bus can park in a handicapped space.
This team employs their famous "Doughnut Defense" the one with the big hole in the middle.
This year I can assure you that we are going to move the ball. I just hope that it's forward.
The only way they can gain yardage is to run their game films backward.
Husband: "Hey, Marie, do you have anything you want to say before the football season starts?"
He retired due to illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of his coaching.
-------------------------------------------------
Animal Football Game
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.
"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
Liam
ROFL, Good ones Liam. :D :D Sidewinder
Subject: AGE DIFFERENCE
A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior
citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation
to understand his.
"You grew up in a different world," the student said, loud enough for
everyone around them to hear. "Today we have television, satellite
positioning, jet planes, and space travel; men have walked on the moon;
our spaceships have visited Mars; and we even have nuclear energy,
electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones, and computers with high-speed
processing."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said,
"You're right. We didn't have these things when we were young, so we
invented them, you little twit. What are you doing for the next generation?"
Aren't seniors great!
Maybe you haven't seen this one:
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said. . .
"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"
:p
BUBBA TEST:
Bubba applied for an engineering position at IBM in Raleigh, North Carolina. A Yankee applied for the same job. Both applicants had the same qualifications and at the completion of a skills test, both men had only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Bubba and said, "Thank you for your interest but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."
Bubba asked, "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being North Carolina, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."
Bubba then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied, "Bubba, its like this, on question #4 the Yankee put down 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
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An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." :D :D
That's good.....wish it wasn't illegal. The animal-lovers have made sure the gators are taking over down here. Gotta admit though, feeding those dumb critters makes them pretty agressive when they're hungry, and they love "long pork."Quote:
"I'm here to feed
the alligator." :D :D
Didn't know that feeding them was illegal.
I hope 'long pork' isn't what I think it is...:eek:
It is here in Florida...and yes, long pork is AKA "cannibal's delight."
OUCH!!!!! That hurt.
I'm slow today...sheesh! No, "long pork" is human flesh in general--no specific part!Quote:
Originally Posted by poppy4
What do West Virginians do for Halloween?
PUMPKIN
some oldies but goodies and some new, (to me anyways) ... :D
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
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So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
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Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed
Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My
Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He
Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE -- PLANT A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And Lastly:
"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON.
Live...Love...Laugh
Live simply...Laugh often...Love much
Reverend John Fluff
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland. One day
he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his
congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He
walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my
congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure", she said with a
slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and
grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance
and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss
Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.The pub landlord looked over and
said,"Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub."The
Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm
Pastor Fluff."The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in,
you might as well finish."
Mall Scam
This is the latest scam happening in shopping mall parking lots.
Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking, one
starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window
and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse. While
you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the backseat and then they
both start begging you for a ride home.
Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants.
This is when they steal your wallet.
I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.
I couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday. :D ;)
-
DUI, Kentucky Style
Only a Kentuckian could think of this . from the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Mt. Sterling Ky. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breath alyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Kentuckian. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy." :D
To the makers of Tide.
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Grandma's don't know everything!
For all you grandmas out there (and a few of you who aren't)!
There goes the theory that Grandmas know everything!
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when
he came into the house and asked , "Grandma, what is that
called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the
truth... "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk
and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds
My wife left me...
I don't understand.
After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on
expenses -
I had to give up drinking beer.
I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from
grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup.
I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up
anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back
I DON'T THINK LIL JOHNNY IS VERY YOUNG!! SMART, BUT NOT YOUNG.---Buf :D
During one of her daily classes a teacher, trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date--- having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded saying, "That would be rude and impolite."
What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."
"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
The teacher fainted.
The Hitman
One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together.
After teeing off, they started off down the fairway, continuing their chat.
"What do you do?" the first man asked.
"I'm a salesman. What about you?"
"I'm a hitman for the mob," he replied.
The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous but he continued. "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He then asked the man where he lived.
Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."
The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?"
"Gray."
Then he asked "What color siding?"
"Yellow."
"You got a silver Toyota?"
"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car."
"That your red pickup next to it?"
Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope.
Looking through the sights, he said "Hell, that's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?"
The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blonde?"
"Yeah."
"Your buddy got black hair?"
"Yeah!"
"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. He doesn't have any clothes on either," said the hitman.
"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!"
The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."
"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the groin!"
The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy? This is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"
2 short ones:
DON'T MESS WITH CHILDRED:
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales The teacher said
it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven
I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The
litt! le girl replied, "Then you ask him".
AND ANOTHER ONE:
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The
nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is
watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a
note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
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NEWS FLASH.....THIS JUST IN:
Redneck Special Forces ..... Yea, Buddy!!!!!
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting
unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama,
Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and
Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the
following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music OR Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
ROTFL.......I suggest this thread be renamed "Buf's Corner."
Make terrorists responsible for the death of Harlan Sanders, too....it'll be over tonight.
Ah don't write 'em--Ah just passes 'em on; IF they give me a tickle.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come
over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,
and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when
it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box,
it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the
puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has
the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the
box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no
matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to
relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then........"
He sighed................
"Now Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Why am I tired?
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:. . .
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of these there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice. :mad: :D
I am guilty BJ. Sure am proud and happy that I have done my "stint" and am enjoying retirement to it's (my) fullest :D But then, I am not the only one in this category :)
Hey buf, enjoy it my friend, im sure it's well deserved. Since it's about tax time I have sent this letter in along with my tax return. :D
Dear IRS,
Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from USA Today , wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remittance to $3429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return .
You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
True stuff from medical personel. :D Sidewinder
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my
husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!................
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.
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Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
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A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
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As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"
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3 Doctors at a Convention talking Shop.
The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens."
The next Doctor says: "Me, I love doing surgery on Accountants, open them up and all their Parts are numbered, makes it very easy.”
The third Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Lawyers, they have no Heart, they have no Guts and the Head and the Ass are interchangeable!"
Liam
Ditto, 62 posts in this thread.....Quote:
ROTFL.......I suggest this thread be renamed "Buf's Corner."
Liam
I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of
which one was already occupied.
So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my
trousers and sat down.
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how
are you doing?"
I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I
replied - "Yeah, not too bad thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are
you up to mate?
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said.
Unsure what to say I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo..
How about yourself?"
I then heard the voice for the third time .
"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some
idiot in the loo next to me answering everything I say."
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded. *
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."