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Take Me To Jail
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
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BROKE is the subject of this short story:
*A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple
of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest
in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm
broke!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide
open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her
hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from
your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
*
*The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a
damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
*
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* What part of broke do you not understand? *
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Loving Husband
An Ohio man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While
they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband,
"You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in
the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he
would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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oh mannnn ROFL!!! That's bad :D
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The Sermon
A minister decided that a visual demonstration
Would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put
Into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put
Into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into
A container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into
A container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon,
The Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead .
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was setting in the back,
Quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink,
Smoke and eat chocolate,
You won't have worms!"
:D
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heheh .... that's cute :D
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EU Security Threat Levels – an update
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”. Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance”. The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.
It’s not only the English and the French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
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The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, you jerk, get in."
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That's an oldie but I think I haven't seen it around
The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one
less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 persent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the
new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double
letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil
agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and
they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by
"z" and "w" by " v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from
vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German
like zey vunted in ze forst place.
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this is great
Edited by Moderator. SPAM.
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Jener Witz war furchtbar. Und es ist deutsch übrigens. Nicht 'German'.
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My friend got this letter from his wife. BJ
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not to bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will forgive me. You know h ow much I love you and care for you my sweet heart.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
