Anyone heard any new jokes lately?

BAD FOOD

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material
we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can
be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by
the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here
tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for
years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

What Smell?

Maxine took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while there is this terrible smell !! . It never happens when I am on my own"

This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is". Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 60 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty. They returned to the shop and she said, There it is now; there's that terrible; smell. Can you smell it?"



"Smell it? Hell lady, I'm sitting in it".

"Weeweechu"

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were
sitting beside the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when
Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, lets
look at the moon" said Rosita. "Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play
Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I
wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." "Please, corazoncito,
just once, play Weeweechu with me." ? Rosita looked at Pedro and said,
"OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they
both sang..... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas, "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year." MERRY
CHRISTMAS!!!!! [NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!]

Ha ha buf, thought this was gonna be the first post in here that I had to censor, till I got to the end. :D BJ

Yeah BJ, my mind was "running wild" until I read the ending also.

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and
says," I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and
I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any
longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking
about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They are not getting a divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls
Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced.
Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back,
and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR
ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

:D :D :D

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

***********************************************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Send me a brother!!"

Santa wrote back, "Send me your mother!"
;) :D

Massachusetts law mandates instructions in Braille on all drive-up banking facilities.

I'm not sure if that's funny or not... :confused:

poppy4---that is F U N N Y!!!!

lgbpop, one would think that the blind would have to be a passenger but since it is a MESS law; who knows. As an aside, I have never seen an ATM machine in place for a car to access it for use by the passenger!!! Hey, guess the car could be driven up to the machine in the opposite direction :eek: Yeah, I am deliriously happy since ridding my PC of the Spyaxe.

This is really a "Gotcha"

A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, next Sunday, I

am going to preach on the subject of LIARS. As a preparation for my

sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17.



On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the

congregation he said, Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you

have read the chapter, please raise your hand. Nearly every hand in

the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said, you are the very

people I want to talk to. Mark has only 16 chapters.
(To be sure, I just checked my Bible and sure enough, Mark only has 16 chapters)

Not a joke but an excellent read. Enjoy

The Difference Between Christmas and Chanukah

For those of us who celebrate both...OY!


1. Christmas is one day, same day every year,December25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher,or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other
Jewish funeral home.



2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.



3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.



4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc.



5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and
boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.



6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.




7. Christmas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All Ye
Faithful....Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?



8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet
smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.



9. Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.



10. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce
names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.



11. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think,
"Yossela, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d? Here's the number of my shrink".



12. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more
commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah!





Now, if anyone asks you what the difference is between Christmas and Chanukah you will know what and how to answer!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks buf...
I think it's hilarious....could be a stand up comics routine...
11 & 12 cracked me up.:D

JUST A FEW WORDS OF THOUGHT:

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an
aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and
perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was
over.

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as
it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

Reminds me of two weeks ago when I called my mom on her 80th birthday. This prim, proper woman who used to blush at anything informed me she was suffering from "furniture disease." I finally asked her what that was and she said, "My chest is falling into my drawers." :eek:

furniture disease---LOL Never heard that before!!

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude

was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed

hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room,

he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people

up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every

member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful

antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye

on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family

for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly

chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The

crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light

gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until,

suddenly,----- it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to

the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

S**t!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three weeks to clean up the senior center

This one has probably made the 'rounds' but just in case....

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM .

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump..

The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer says,"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money.."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Homer took the money

Got room for this "Catholic VS Jewish" joke?

A Jewish man was in St. Vincent's Hospital
recovering from an emergency operation
when a nun walked into his room.

She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing.

The man and nun started talking and the nun
asked about the man's life. The man talked
about his wife and 13 children.

"My, my," said the nun, "13 children . . . You're
a good, proper Catholic family man. G-d is
very proud of you!"

"I'm sorry, Sister," the man said, "I am not
Catholic. I'm Jewish."

"Jewish!?" she replies and immediately
gets up to leave.

"Sister, why are you leaving?"

"I didn't realize I was talking to a sex maniac!"

Proof of Global Warming

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not mean it becomes your
food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.

The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure
your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm and disrespect.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by
some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or stick your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through
the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for
years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt,
NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Always Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"nature.) 3. I like my pets a lot better
than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter, who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.


Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: eat less,
don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when
called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends,
don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest
fashions, don't wear your clothes, anddon't need a gazillion dollars for
college. Get a pet!

"This is what marriage is really all about "


He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered


**********

"THE TEETH." :D

BJ, now that is one more funnny joke. I would have to by-pass the sharing of teeth, however.

Quote:

---

"THE TEETH.":D

---

Too funny!..:)

This one might get the edit but....

SARA PIPALINI




Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are
met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that
I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's
gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just
doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

An oldie but a goodie, buf....haven't heard that one in a while! :D

Got it from a another friend today and thought I'd pass it on. Glad you got a chuckle from having seen it again.

LOL
Talk about miss reading.

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that

she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed

there. She then asked if there was something which she could help the

gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be

much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female

pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and

whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that

she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.The man

agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I

have a permanent erection.

It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was

wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said, "Just a

minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "We

discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3

ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses".

LOL :D

Bus

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the hell up."

poppy, that was funny the very first time I read it and it has remained funny every time that I have read it since. The blind handled him but good!!

Agreed! That told him!
...I must have led a sheltered life.. :rolleyes: ...never heard it before.

(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?


Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of
her own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we
come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if
they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like
! pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and
also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like, "why isn't God married?" and
"How come dogs chase cats?"

When they read to us , they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask
for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you
don't
have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time
with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say
prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID,
''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER.

THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

SMART BARTENDER


A man enters a bar and orders a drink.

The bar has a robot bartender.


The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail,

and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"


The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation

about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality,

biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory,

nano-technology, and sexual proclivities


The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."

He decides to test the robot.

He walks out of the bar, turns around,

and comes back in for another drink.

Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink

and asks him, "What's your IQ?"


The man responds, "about a 100."


Immediately the robot starts talking,

but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball,

supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.


Really impressed, the man leaves the bar

and decides to give the robot one more test.

He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks,

"What's your IQ?"


The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."


And the robot says... real slowly...


"So............... ya gonna vote for Bush again?" :D

Old hat, BJ--I heard that in 1979 using Carter's name. :D Here's a link to helpful people who heard Ted Kennedy needed a title for a children's book he's writing.... ;)

May be old hat but it is a true "question/remark" for today. Can't even fool a robot!!!

Rodney Dangerfield:

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid ... when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I was such an ugly baby ... my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly ... my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could ... but he pulled through."

I'm so ugly ... my mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" "He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

:D:D:D:D:D

Liam

My favorite Dangerfield one-liner: "I was such an ugly baby, when I was born the delivery-room doctor slapped my mother!"

Mine: " I was so poor....if i wasn't born a boy i would of had nothing to play with "


Liam