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Nag, Nag, Nag :D
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged
him unmercifully. From morning till night (and
sometimes later), she was always complaining about
something. The only time he got any relief was when
he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to
plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife
brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old
mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began
to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began
nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind
feet,caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed
something rather odd. When a woman mourner would
approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute,
then nod his head in agreement; but when a man
mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute,
then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old
farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to
the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and
agreed with the women, but always shook his head and
disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would
come up and say something about how nice my wife
looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
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A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of what is believed to be the heaviest chemical element yet known to science.
The new element has been named Governmentium.
Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium caused one reaction to take 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, governmentium mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.
The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.
The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.
The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, "Come on you little git, spit it out!"
As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.
Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine,
"If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"
Liam
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Blind Man in Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!" :D
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The Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So....you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from
God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. "Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Women can be evil. Don't mess with us
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Subject: Health Questions & Answers
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saving you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
___________________
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable products.
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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
____________________________________
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
____________________________________
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
____________________________________
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
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Q: Is swimming good for your fig ure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
____________________________________
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
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All you need to know to get through life, as advised by Homer Simpson:
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and
kids with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if
you had an electrified fooling machine."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is
important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except
the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now
quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's
problems!"
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city,
keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would
explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
"I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get
you through life:
Number one, 'Cover for me.'
Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'"
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear
Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the
time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well,
good night."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you
win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't -
it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil
wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in
every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy
who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all
those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody
laughin', did you?"
"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're
making a scene.'"
Liam
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A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and
witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we
always have long names, while the white men have
shorter names - Bob, Don, Tex or Sam, for example?"
His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a
symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the
white men, who live all together and repeat their names
from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our
makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic
Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was
conceived, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the
Prairies, because he was conceived on a day that the
big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the
world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our
capacity to live and the life force of our people.
It's very simple and easy to understand.
Do you have any other questions, Little Broken
Condom Made in China?
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A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the
famous Chinese detective (Chen Lee), to watch and report any
activities while he was gone.
A few days later, he received this report:
MOST HONOURABLE SIRE
YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE
HE COME TO HOUSE
I WATCH
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE
I FOLLOW
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL
I CLIMB TREE
I LOOK IN WINDOW
HE KISS SHE
SHE KISS HE
HE STRIP SHE
SHE STRIP HE
HE PLAY WITH SHE
SHE PLAY WITH HE
I PLAY WITH ME
I FALL OFF TREE
I NOT SEE
NO FEE
CHEN LEE
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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to
convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish
community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious
debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won,
they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to
represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian
and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be
a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that
Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.
The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that
there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I
waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How
did you win the debate?" they asked. "I haven't a clue," said
Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of
Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole
country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying
right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out
mine."
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It's Football Season
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like... Hellooooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!”
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A hip young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand
new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world,
and
it
costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to
him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of
car ya got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million
dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man.
"Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young
dude proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the
window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man
says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right .. but I'll stick with my
Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man
just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the
speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be
going
faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas
and
passes the moped at 275 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his
mirror
and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and
takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later,
he
sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out,
and
there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing
the
rear end. The young man stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old
man is still alive.
He run up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there
anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers "Unhook ..... my…….suspenders ... from .. your
...side ... mirror.
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Simpsons Quotes:
Bart: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man... (laughs, then pauses) So, to answer you question, I don't know.
Marge: Homer! There's someone here who can help you...
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist?!
Marge: It's not Batman!
Homer: Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how!
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Homer: [drunk] Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.
Ralph: [whispering] Lisa, what's the answer to number seven?
Lisa: [whispering] Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.
Ralph: [pauses] My cat's name is Mittens
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible.
Bart: Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called ... "The Bus That Couldnt Slow Down."
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Homer: Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
Homer: Homer no function beer well without.
Chief Wiggum on phone: Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA.
Marge: Oh my god! He's dead?
Chief Wiggum: Oh, I'm sorry. He was DUI. I get those two confused. (hangs up phone)
Woman walks in: My name is Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband was DUI?
Chief Wiggum: Uh... talk to one of those officers over there. I'm going to lunch.
Liam
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Returning home from work, a young blonde lady was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the young lady ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."
Stark Naked Grannies!
A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw 9 old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer he realized that they were all stark naked.
He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were 9 naked old ladies laying in the sun on the front lawn.
The director said, "Yes" and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.
