And Rover didn't think my old jalopy would burn rubber taking off from a stand-still. He couldn't see how far behind I left those guys---he had a problem of his own. :D
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And Rover didn't think my old jalopy would burn rubber taking off from a stand-still. He couldn't see how far behind I left those guys---he had a problem of his own. :D
I know I have seen this before---just hope you haven't. Have a laugh. Something about "drunk" jokes that tickle me :D
Lena was in bed with her lover, Sven, when she heard Ole's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, Ole lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to Lena: "Hey, der are six feet in dis bed. Der shud only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said Lena, "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. "You can see better from over there."
Ole climbed out of bed and counted. "One, too, tree, four. Damn, you're right."
lmaooooo @ Train and Buf...... those were great :D
Mis--diagnosis
Two medical students were walking down the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend:"I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome.Those people walk just like that."
The other student says:"No, I don't think so.The old man sure has Zovitzki Syndrome.He walks just like we learned in class".
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.They approached him and one of the students said to him,"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we can't agree on the Syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said:"I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."
One of the students said:"I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said:"You thought...but, you're wrong.
"
Then the other student said:"I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man again says:"You thought...but you are also wrong."
So they asked him:"Well,what do you have?"
And the old man said:"I thought it was GAS...but I was wrong".
Crystal Ball
Rich is trying to sell a computerized crystal ball he's recently invented to a marketing executive, but the executive is very skeptical.
Rich says, 'Go ahead and type a question into the crystal ball.'
The executive types, 'Where is my father?'
The crystal ball answers, 'Your father is fishing in Michigan.'
The executive says to Rich, 'I knew this was bull****. My father's been dead for twenty years.'
The inventor says, 'Ask the question in a different way.'
The executive types in, 'Where is my mother's husband?'
The computer answers, 'Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout.'
Aging process in women
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Gary. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part- time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....
Signed,
Gary
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Gary died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his a**, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it.
:D:D
Poppy,
LOVED that one!!
GGrrrip I knew I would hear from you on that one....:D
Glad you liked it...:)
Oh yeah, that one will make my e-mail list :D
Thanks for sharing it :)
Yer welcum GG...:)
VOCABULARY SPIN
Hope this hasn't been in here before :)
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
Quote:
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
Classic ...... just classic! ....... Love it!! :D
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA mag azines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammo. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside
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That may if they can read.
hehe Train.... you have a point there ;)