leave it out! lol
and yes i did look :cool:
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leave it out! lol
and yes i did look :cool:
A painter was sailing in the Caribean. Unexpectedly, a large storm overcame the painter's sailboat, driving it off course and smashing it into a red coral reef by a small island.
Fortunately, the painter survived. After waking up on the beach in the morning, the painter was astonished to see reddish sand and a reddish sky. Walking around in daze, the painter sees red birds, red grass, red trees, and red bananas. In shock the painter realizes even his skin is turning reddish.
"Oh noooooo!", he exclaims! "I think I've been marooned!"
:D
Three guys are stuck on a desert island. Larry, Jerry and Berry. They are frail, hungry and lonely. Suddenly, Larry finds a genie's lamp under the sand. After rubbing it, etc., The Genie comes out and says, "I am Eepi, I shall grant you each one wish.
Larry: "I wish I was with my family, back home." KER-POOF, he's gone.
Jerry: "I wish I was with my family, back home." KER-POOF, he's gone.
Berry: "Gee... it's kinda lonely around here. I wish Larry and Jerry were back." KER-POOF, their back.
:D
Girls' Night Out
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my
Husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours
passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly,
realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally
Smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
"Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh, **** ", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted."
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a
large, raging, violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first
man prayed,
"God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof!
God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river."
poof!
God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was
able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed,
"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to
cross this river."
Poof!He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream and walked across the bridge.
Those are pretty funny :D
I didn't forward this one in time so I guess I face the consequences. LOL
Subject: Thanks for all your well meaning e-mails
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
T hanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. Oh, and don't forget this one either!
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
How about this one, I wonder if it will work?????
I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take any leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY then would tell me to take a Few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss Would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are You doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a Couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"
( You're gonna love this..... )
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!
I can't resist posting this one. LMAO
A BOSS WALKED INTO THE OFFICE ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS DOWN AND HIS FLY AREA IS WIDE OPEN.
HIS SECRETARY WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID "BOSS THIS MORNING WHEN YOU LEFT YOUR HOUSE, DID YOU CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR?"
THIS WAS NOT A PHRASE THAT HER BOSS UNDERSTOOD, SO HE WENT INTO HIS OFFICE LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED.
WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE WITH HIS PAPERWORK HE SUDDENLY NOTICED THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS NOT ZIPPED UP. HE ZIPPED UP AND REMEMBERING WHAT HIS SECRETARY HAS TOLD HIM, FINALLY UNDERSTOOD . THEN HE INTENTIONALLY WENT OUT TO ASK FOR A CUP OF COFFEE FROM HIS SECRETARY.
WHEN HE REACHED HER DESK, HE SAID "WHEN YOU SAW THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN DID YOU SEE MY HUMMER PARKED IN THERE?"
THE SECRETARY SMILED FOR A MOMENT AND SAID "NO BOSS I DIDN'T, ALL I SAW WAS A MINI VAN WITH 2 FLAT TIRES."
imadreamer2, those are 3 good 'uns even tho I did laugh again at two of them!!
Glad you liked em. Maybe you will like this one too.
Broke Back Mountain Lady
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for
the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand
readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"
20 way to maintain a healthy level of insanity
1.At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses On And Point
A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2.Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Do Not Disguise Your Voice.
3.Everytime Someone Asks You to do Something, Ask Them if they Want
Fries with that.
4.Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".
5.Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.
6.In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling
Diamonds".
7.Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy.
8.Don't Use Any Punctuation
9.As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10.Order A Diet Water Everytime You Go Out To Eat, With A Serious
Face.
11.Specify That Your Drive Through Order is "To Go".
12.Sing Along At the Opera.
13.Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.
14.Put Mosquito Netting Around your Work Area, And Play Tropical
Sounds All Day.
15.Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends That You Can't Attend Your
Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16.Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name,
Rock-Bottom.
17.When Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream "I Won!
I Won!"
18.When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot
Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!"
19.Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going
To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20.And The Final Way Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity, Send This
E-mail to Make Someone Smile. Its Called Therapy.
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut blisters or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
As it should be. :)
Who's the fashion plate who owns three pairs of shoes? Or the motormouth who takes 30 seconds for a phone conversation? They need further training.
I should have been born a man :p
Funny stuff Ed :D