I can vouch for #11!
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I can vouch for #11!
lmao Pop :D
Polite Way to Pee
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."
What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be
right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the
dinner table."
"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your
good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll
get to meet after dinner!"
The teacher fainted......:D
Pfizer Corp. is making the announcement today that Viagra will
soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi
Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: It will now be possible
for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we
can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new
meaning to descriptions like cocktails, highballs and just a
good old fashioned stiff drink.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount And
Do.
lmaooooo those are both great you two :D
Though Kentucky is the state mentioned in the joke, use any state you wish ie. NY, CO, TX, UT CA, NH, etc.--buf(I know you know you could do that!! Rednecks are everywhere; except in my house :D )
A Kentucky couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
lmaooooo Thats bad buf :D :D
Well, if you think my last joke was bad, try these two.
Eighteen Bottles of Whiskey
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink,
or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents
down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then
withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it,
with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the
cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which
I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and
poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle
from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the
rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and
poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the
glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand,
counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which
were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and
finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not
under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not
half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who
is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
***********
Two hunters in Georgia were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I
don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell
you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other
direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You
know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away
from the truck...."
lmaoooo those are great buf :D
That first one tickled me buf. :D
Liam
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest.
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...
(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did????
:rolleyes:
poppy, where did you find those writings? ;) Never mind, I don't wanna know!!
poppy..... some of those are good .... and others are really really bad...... lmaoooo :D
good stuff darlin ;)
buf, since you don't wanna know, I'll tell you...:DQuote:
Originally Posted by buf
I get them in the mail from a friend with more time on their hands than me, which is hard to believe, since I have 24/7 :rolleyes: ;)
Most of them are real groaners :eek:Quote:
Originally Posted by Crimson Blonde
5 & 9 are my favorites.