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I thought that one was a killer too :D
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I thought that one was a killer too :D
"THAT" carnation should do well "THERE" and produce some seeds and then he will "BE" his own pain. Good 'un CB :D
ty ty buf :D
I cracked up at that one ... I wasn't expecting that ending :p
Would you say "he got it in the end"? :D
Little Johnny, Again:
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. Now class I am going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit and you tell what fruit I am talking about. Okay first it's round, plumb and red. Of course Johnny raised his hand high but the teacher wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered apple. The teacher replied, No Deborah, it's a beet. But I like your thinking.
Now for the second, It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. Is it a peach Billy asks? No Billy I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking the teacher replies.
Here's another, it's long, yellow and fairly hard. By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on sally. A banana she says, no the teacher replies it's a squash but I like your thinking.
Johnny is kind of irritated now so he speaks up loudly, Hey I've got one for you teacher, let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay I've got it. It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it. Johnny she cried that is disgusting; nope, answers Johnny, it's a quarter but I like your thinking.
Some of you may have already gotten this in your email (it's making the rounds) but I found some of em so funny I had to post em here:
These are too funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree
to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every
flight,
QuantaâEUR(tm)s pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells
mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the
problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the
gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground
crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints
submitted by Quntas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas
is
the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet
per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love th is one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last........
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like
a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
hahaha....... those are great!! :D
Yep, especially the last one. :)
This one is funny, and it does seem familiar but I ain't looking through all of these jokes to see if it has been posted before---so just read it and have a laugh:
Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives
It seems that Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him every day. "Sam,"
says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and
how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you
have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go
to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in
Heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my
best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do
for you."
And shortly after that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is
awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him,
"Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me, Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really
good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better
yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet,
we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it
never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want,
and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching next Tuesday"
All time classic...
oh yeah a classic ..... always a good one :D
A young Scottish lad and lassie were
sitting on a low stone wall, holding
hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently,
then finally the girl looked at the boy
and said, "A penny for your thoughts,
Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's
aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and
kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the
two turned once again to gaze out over
the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its
aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and
cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then
the two turned once again to gaze out
over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its
aboot time you let me poot me hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand
and put it on her leg. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to
gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus."
The young man knit his brow. "Well,
now," he said, "my thoughts are a
bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper,
filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad.
The girl looked away in shyness,
began to blush and bit her lip in
anticipation of the ultimate request.
Angus blurted out, "Din'na ye think
it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"
lmaoooooooo :D
That young Scot must have been my brother!!!!
Very good---pay first; play later. (Couldn't have been me, cause I'm asitting in front of my computer :( )
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.
Here are last year's winners...
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a Solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATT machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Taat 4:19 p.m. At a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
:D