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This one's right on the edge, so moderators delete it if you need to: :o
Subject: National Poetry Contest
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists: a Yale
graduate, and a Newfoundlander.
They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come
up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU".
The Yale graduate steps to the microphone and said:
"SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU".
The crowd went crazy! No way could the Newfie top that, they
thought.
The Newfoundlander calmly made his way to the microphone and
recited:
"ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET T'REE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU"!
The Newfie won hands down.
And they say Canada's education level is dropping.....This just
proves them all wrong....
Ain't dat da trut?!!
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:eek: ................ :D funny ;)
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Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.
But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold.
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.
Alice was horrified she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time.
Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South...
and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started, out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself,
"GOD is good."
:D
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That joke is a RIOT CB but it just had to involve some church other than a Baptist Church!!! That had to be a Bush church :D
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Subject: Priorities
CACTUS JACK A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He
began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be
there as soon as possible. :rolleyes:
As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen.
He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the
club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than
10.
He was jubilant, and then he remembered his wife. :o
Feeling guilty :( he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor
and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf, didn't you?
I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! "It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!
For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"
The man was felt so guilty that he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding!
She died more than two hours ago. "
What'd you shoot?"
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Chicken Farmer
Chicken Farmer
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern, took a seat
at the bar next to a woman patron, and then orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence." He continued, "This is a
special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence." says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my doctor told me I'm pregnant!"
What a coincidence." says the man. "I'm a chicken
farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched roosters," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
:eek:
:D
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MY MY MY Hi tech conversation ;)
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I had to go searching for one to perhaps equal GG's last joke!!!!
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. He left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the commode. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the commode seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the Hospital Emergency Room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before". The Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen a lot of them. I just never saw one FRAMED before."
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lmaooooo guys :D Good ones!!
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The old dilemma:
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night when you
pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200
applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.
I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought and limitations.
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
HOWEVER...The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings. :p
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:D :D
I like the new ending!
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lmaoo Steve...... thats funny darlin :D
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Never Tick Off a Nurse
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He
was royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around like he did his
staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came
into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,
"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out!
He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers,
"What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
:D :D
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