Anyone heard any new jokes lately?

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and play catch." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friend like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church; the father alerts the priest, makes the boy sit in the confessional and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that **** again." :D

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a police officer.
"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?"
"I'm a juggler, and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking.
Look at the test they're giving now!"

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

Instructions Posted At A Local Golf Club

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.


Liam

"Best Comeback Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect e xplained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes,cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" He commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor." I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's..just working away at this pumpkin. "Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are s****ing a pumpkin?' "He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said," "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy, "and she said she wasn't going to talk to me for a whole 31 days."

The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.

"Yeah, except today is the last night," he muttered.

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?

And the man replied, I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.

:D

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he was looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure,...if I have to roll my own, so does she!"
:D

On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so,two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful
girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have
their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously
happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the
smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more pleasure than you ever could have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you more pleasures than you ever had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."



Thoughts, Facts and questions

1. A flashlight is a cylindrical device to hold dead batteries.
2. Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines.
3. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
4. DIAPER spelled backwards is REPAID. Think About It!
5. Ever wonder why there isn’t mouse flavored cat food.
6. I stayed up all night to watch the sun rise and it finally dawned on me.
7. I wonder if Dracula ever had ticks.
8. I worry that if I lose my mind no one will notice.
9. If its true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
10. It is my imagination or does buffalo wings taste like chicken?

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I
want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
kitchen and said to the cook,
"This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights
and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is .. an auto
parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of
crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!

I thought another person might post this one but since he didn't I will.

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said:
- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.
- Did you dance much?
- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

LOL :D

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

LOL, good one, keep em coming buf. :D Sidewinder

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service.
One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."
"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."

( I know none of us are guilty of such things as this :eek: ---buf)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by buf

( I know none of us are guilty of such things as this :eek: ---buf)

---

Yup I do my share of snoring, I plead guilty. My frends tell me all it takes is the wind to blow to get me goin. :eek: Sidewinder

Keep em coming. :D

What starts with an F ?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble
with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry,
what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My
sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she
is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was. The
principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a
test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She
agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained
to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal
thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I
think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I
have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I
do not have?"

The principal wondered, why would she ask such a
question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps
into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is
hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish
liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out
soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman
does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in
'CK' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last
seven questions wrong......

LMAO Poppy! :D

Don't know if this one is already posted or not:

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."


"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that."

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

ROFLMAO, I like it. :D :D :D Sidewinder

This is a sad story :rolleyes:






Turkey Poem
When I was a young turkey,
new to the coop,
My big brother Mike
took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down,
and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something
that I had to know;
His look and his tone
I will always remember,
When he told me of the
horrors of..... Black November.

"Come about August,
now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals
instead of just three,
"And soon you'll be thick,
where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing
under your chin;
"And then one morning,
when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife,
and hack off your head;
"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers
so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides
and leave ya lyin' in the sink;
"And then comes the worst part"
he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks
and pack your rear with stuffing."

Well, the rest of his words
were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop
like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot
that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low
and remain overlooked;
I began a new diet
of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads,
juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries,
chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room
doing Jane Fonda tapes;
I maintained my weight
of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice
when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing,
under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed,
ever closer to death;
And sure enough
when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey
left in the entire compound.

So now I'm a pet
in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry,
so I eat and I nap;
She held me today,
while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said:
"Christmas is coming..

A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. Incensed, he drags the man out to the garage and puts his johnson in a vise.

He secures it and removes the vise handle, then picks up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screams, "Stop! Stop! You’re not going to…to…cut it off, are you?"

The husband shakes his head and hands him the hacksaw. "Nope—you are. I’m just going to set the garage on fire."

Wonder if this excuse "worked" for her!!!

Quick Thinking

Maxine was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.

When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.

The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

Not a joke but.....

There is a two-letter word that perhaps
has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........... Time to shut UP.....!

Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration.

The Officer said,
"Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is
one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the United States of America. “

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few moments and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said,
"The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it
up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

.....Mujibar now works for Verizon in their Customer Service
Department in India and is being interviewed by Dell and my Internet service provider!!!

A young blonde in St Louis was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Missippippi River.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the Dock, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for.

I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." ;)

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?

Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.

"I get food and a FREE!!trip to Europe, and he's scr**ing my brains out."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is Harrahs RiverBoat Casino, and we don’t ever leave St' Louis!

Last year I replaced all the windows in our house with those Expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call From the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy, oh boy, did we go around and around! Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid. So I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year - that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back. Guess I won that stupid argument.
:D :D :D

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a
10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give
you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 &
your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading
out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked,
"Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him,
"I was walking past your room last night and heard you
telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her
tell you to wait because she was coming too. And
I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
$280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

A guy call his boss one morning and tells him that
he is staying home because he is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," he says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma inquired the boss?"
"I can't see my butt coming into work today." :eek:

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a
can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said,
"I will give you 6 days in jail.
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's
husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He
said, " What is it? " The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

LOL@BJ! Man I wish I'd used that at least once.

This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness...

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items." :D

Frank And His Six Pack

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV.

One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang.

He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there.

The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his fourth beer, the doorbell rang.

He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there.

The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his first beer, the doorbell rang again.

The same six-foot cockroach was standing there.

This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain.

Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all.

The doorbell rang.

The cockroach was standing there.

The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Frank went to see his doctor.

He explained the events of the preceding four nights.

"What can I do?" he pleaded.
.
.
.
.
"Not much," the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

:D Dam,This is Hilarious!!! Read the whole thing. This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter. SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price, District Representative Land and Water Management Division
** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: ** Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.
I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS :D :D :D

LMAO :D :D :D :D

That is a dam cute story Sidewinder. I thought it was dam cute the frist dam time I read it-----and it is dam true. Read about it here:
http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/dammed.htm

Funny, very funny! :D

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you
but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's
good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.