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Lol!
The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck.
She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look !" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less."
"And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services are pending.
THIS ONE "MAY" BE CENSORED---WELL, IT COULD BE BUT IT IS DEFINITELY A GOOD ONE--buf
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, AREN'T:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
President Bush visits the Queen of England. Bush asks the Queen, "So what is secret to running a great country."
Queen: I surround myself with smart people. Bush: How do you know if they are smart.
Queen: I constantly test them, watch. The Queen then calls Tony Blair over and asks him a question to test his inteligence.
Queen: Prime Minister Blair can you answer a question for me please.
Blair: of course Queen.
Queen: If your mother has a child and the child is neither your brother or sister, then who is that child.
Blair: If its neither my sister or brother then the child is me.
Queen: That is correct Prime Minister Blair you may leave now. President Bush is impressed and returns to the White House. Bush decides to test his own staff and calls Donald Rumsfeld.
Bush: Rumsfeld, if your mother has a child and the child is not your brother or sister then who is the child. Rumsfeld is confused and asks his president for time to get back to him with the answer. Bush agrees. Rumsfeld calls a meeting to figure out the answer. No one at the meeting can figure out the answer so Rumsfeld phones Colin Powell and asks him the question. Colin Powell answers, "You thick idiot, if the child is neither my brother or sister then the child must be me." Rumsfeld is very happy he now has an answer and phones President Bush.
Rumsfeld: President Bush i have your answer. The answer is Colin Powell. Bush: No, you Twit, I can't believe you got it wrong. That's not the right answer. The correct answer is Tony Blair. :D
The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President George W. Bush to honor his first term achievements. Unfortunately, the Bush stamp was not sticking properly to envelopes. Enraged, President Bush demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, the special presidential commission made the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order; there is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive. People are spitting on the wrong side
Rex
:D ^^LOL Rex.
25 Things To Do BEFORE the Bush Inauguration:
1. Get that abortion you've always wanted.
2. Have coffee with your gay friends in a public place.
3. Cash a Social Security check.
4. See a doctor of your own choosing.
5. Spend quality time with your draft-age child/grandchild.
6. Visit Syria (or any foreign country, for that matter).
7. Get that gas mask you've been putting off buying.
8. Hoard gasoline.
9. Borrow books from library before they're banned - constitutional law books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Huckleberry Finn, etc.
10. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix...do it now.
11. Jam in all the stem cell research you can.
12. Stay out late before the curfews start.
13. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his "accident".
14. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.
15. Use the phrase "you can't do that - this is America".
16. Take a walk in Yosemite without being hit by a snowmobile or a base-jumper.
17. Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.
18. Start your school day without being forced to pray.
19. Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations.
20. Learn French.
21. Take a factory tour anywhere in the US.
22. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.
23. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.
24. Visit Alaska before "The Big Spill".
25. Visit Massachusetts while it is still a state.
Liam
Tips From Ghosts of Presidents Past
One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush asks: "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," W asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson advises.
Bush isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asks. Abe answers: "Go see a play." :p
George Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him.
"You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed.
"You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps.
"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"
The last to arrive is George Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
Bush looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."
Liam
Guess it's about the right time to show this idiot's quickness of the mouth when he spoke these words; words depicted in this cartoon that will never go away.
Well, the upload is too big to show the cartoon. His words on national TV was "Bring em On" when asked a question and the newspaper cartoonist painted a target on Bush's chest. Yep, he had his silly grin on his face when he said those words. Tis a shame the upload was too big!!!
Cheney and the Bushes on a Plane
Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy." :D
Ahem...
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Hillary Clinton were at a posh restaurant after a campaign appearance. When the waiter arrived to take their orders, VP Gore said "ladies first," and the waiter asked her entree: "The broiled lobster, please;" "Rice pilaf, french fries or pasta salad?" "rice, please;" "...and for the vegetables?" "They'll have the same, thank you."
When Clinton was president it was reputed that a wealthy Arab sheik had offered 40 goats and a bag of gold for Chelsea Clinton. Perplexed, Clinton turned to James Carville for advice on how to respond. Carville told him, "Hold out long enough and he might take Hillary too!"
This my attempt to now show the Bring em On cartoon that I attempted on Aug 21 (third one up).
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got
back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her
mother,
"So how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "The honeymoon
was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam
started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard
before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me
home..., PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with
your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful?
WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your
mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!