buf, the line was okay, 'cause it's probably true ......and I think the blonde was smart in this case. (for once)...:)Quote:
Originally Posted by buf
I was just using that old 'Fibber Magee and Molly' line.....:rolleyes:
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buf, the line was okay, 'cause it's probably true ......and I think the blonde was smart in this case. (for once)...:)Quote:
Originally Posted by buf
I was just using that old 'Fibber Magee and Molly' line.....:rolleyes:
Didn't think of them and that Fibber/Molly line. Heck that was last century and I was never a fan or theirs---but they didn't know that.
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Lets begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "Im gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, "If you say anything else, Ill kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, were in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally, someone threw an eraser at Pedro and another student shouted, "Duck"!
The teacher, just waking up and still a bit out of it, asked "Who said that?
Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"
Men are just simply happier people, and here is why...
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You dont have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes dont cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all of your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These darn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'
Good ones Penguingirl.:D SW
lmaooo PG :D ........ too funny :D
Clever anagrams
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you re arrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you r earrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
2006 LIVING WILL FORM
I, ______________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to
be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances
should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't
pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or
lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a
reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of
the following:
______a cold beer
______a bourbon and 7up
______a glass of wine
______a cheeseburger
______lobster or shrimp
______Pepperoni Pizza
______a bowl of ice cream
______the car keys
______ plate of lasagna
______chocolate
it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a
determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and
attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a
day.
Signature:
x___________________________
The Top 10 Signs Your Family is Stressed
10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
:D Your on a roll CB, keep em coming. SW
Her Skirt Was Too Tight....
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends."
How about this one?
A man came home from work and found his three Children outside, still In their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty Food boxes and wrappers Strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was The front door to the house And there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding Into the entry, he found An even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked Over, and the throw rug was Wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a Cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys And various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the Counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog Food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a Small pile of sand was spread By the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over Toys and more piles of Clothes,looking for his wife. He was worried She might be ill, or that Something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it Made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, Scummy soap and more toys Strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a Heap and toothpaste had been Smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife Still curled up in the bed In her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up At him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What Happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every Day when you come home From work and you ask me what in the world I do all Day?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
Nice offerings there CB but I especially like the anagrams.
imadreamer2: Davenport, Iowa huh. Chiropractic school of the world, right!!! (The lady so handy with the zippers---from behind :D ) Just wonder if she was a recent graduate or one with years of experience!!!