That happens to me all the time .... as soon as I really find something I like .... something happens to it :confused:
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That happens to me all the time .... as soon as I really find something I like .... something happens to it :confused:
I have been known to lie or lye, ley or whatever, sometimes :DQuote:
Originally Posted by buf
Good night to all you good people.
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Walter Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight . His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by her predictable, sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client, Walter Wright, had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet. They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop!?"
LMAO! :eek: :D
A NUDDER ONE:
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.
lmao Buf! those are great :D
Gotta another one for ya and this one is named:
DILEMMA
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
SEE the answer below
Get your drunk a.. off the Merry-Go-Round :)
:D good one!
The NEW Purina Dog Food Diet
I used to have a Labrador retriever and, one day, I was buying a large
bag of Purina dog food at Wal-Mart when the woman in line behind me
asked if I had a dog (here's your sign). On impulse, I told her that
no, I was starting The Purina Dog Food Diet again, although I probably
shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time I went on
it, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.
I told her it was essentially a perfect diet and she asked me how it
worked. I explained that you load your pants pockets with Purina
nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food
is nutritionally complete so you're never hungry.
I have to mention here that, by now, practically everyone in the
checkout line was enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy
who was behind the lady talking to me.
The woman asked how I ended up in the hospital...had I been poisoned
by the diet? She was horrified of the potential outcome regardless of
its success.
Straight-faced, I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking
my b***s when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.
:p
It was good to re-read that joke. I keep wondering how the lady behind you felt if and when she was able to intelligently process your story. Wonder if she was a blond ;)
The following is apparently a transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities, off the Scottish North coast.
The transcript was apparently released by the MoD in 10/10 95.
BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.
US Navy: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision.
BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert you course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.
US Navy: This is the Captain of US Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.
US Navy: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels, Demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, that's 15 degrees north or counter measures will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship!
BRITISH: We're a lighthouse! smurf off!
Rex
Rex, that is a very definitive ending sentence. :p
The futuristic Haircut:
A salesman checked into a futuristic motel.
Realizing he needed a haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and spin.
Fifteen seconds later, he pulled out his head and look in the mirror, and saw the best haircut of his life.
"Would wonders never cease! This futuristic stuff is amazing," he thought.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures $10."
"Why not?" he thought.
He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin.
Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service men need when away from their wives, 50 cents."
"Oh, man.... do I ever need that!"
He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member....
......which now had a button neatly sewn on the end.
lol Rex. it's funny and i can certainly believe it. If you’re the captain of a carrier battleground I think you would have the right to be a bit cocky.
When I first heard the one about the lighthouse and the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln a few years back it took place off the coast of Newfoundland. Good to see that it is still in circulation. :)
Urban Legend -
http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htm