SW, THAT should be a sure-fire cure for always.
Good to see a post from you.
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SW, THAT should be a sure-fire cure for always.
Good to see a post from you.
Yes it should. :) Thanks buf,I have a little free time today.
Excellent deterrent Sidewinder :)
TEk
Self-explanatory
Teknophobia, Yes it should work.:D Thanks for the f/b... Sidewinder. o and buf good one.Keep them coming.;)
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lanter and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.
The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water." :)
SW, this "could be" a parallel to yours above and would definitely affect you good folks out west :D
OHOH....LET'S BE CAREFUL LESS WE OFFEND SOMEONE....
A man walked into a curio shop in Galveston, Texas. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it.
He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars if you bring it back," said the owner.
The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat; and I won't be bringing it back."
As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster.
Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing.
He started to trot towards the Harbor. He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Harbor as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner, "You're bringing it back!"
"Actually, no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for that little bronze Mexican over there!"
Good one buf. LOL :D
Home Remedies!
1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT - USE THE SINK.
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEE D FOR A FEW MINUTES, TH US REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
8. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
That's me---going down the stairs ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by Train
> Service
>
> At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word 'service.'
>
> 'It's the act of doing things for other people.'
>
> Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:
>
> Internal Revenue Service
> Postal Service
> Telephone Service
> Civil Service
> City & County Public Service
> Customer Service
> Service Stations
>
> Then I became confused about the word 'service.' This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
>
> So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us..
>
> I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
THAT explains it better than I ever could :D
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the BacaRdi BreeZers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expen$ive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
These girl nights have got to stop!
I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'
**bumping**
Ok, it's an oldie but a goodie... imo..
Did you hear about the Insomniac, Agnostic, Dyslexic?
He lays awake at night......
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Wondering
>
>
>
>
>
>
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Is there really a DOG?
OK bump it back down where it belongs... I'll get my coat !
lmao Tech :D
Ok, Delete the word Rugby, and change the venue and competing sides to that of your favourite sport and teams that have the biggest rivalry!!!!
I however, will continue with mine!!! :rolleyes:
A Welsh fan was watching a Six Nations game against England at Twickenham, London.
In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat - right next to him.
"Who does that seat belong to?" asked Dai from the row behind.
"I got the ticket for my wife," replied the fan
"But why isn't she here?"
"I'm afraid she died in an accident."
"So you're keeping the seat vacant as a mark of respect," said Dai.
"No," said the fan, "I offered it to all of my friends."
"So why didn't they take it," asked a puzzled Dai.
"They've all gone to the funeral."
UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it make good common sense that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
Do Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks?"
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Now that tax time in the USA is *OVER* (whew), did you ever notice:
When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells
" THEIRS"?
lol :D
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "The wall! Watch the ****ing wall!"
O good one, watch the wall...:D
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director,' we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'
This year a definition was required for the contemporary term,
'Political Correctness'.
The winner wrote:
'Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional,
illogical, liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an
unscrupulous mainstream media,
which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible
to pick up a turd by the clean end.'
Or how about this:
Stress is: The mind's reaction against the body's desire to beat the living s**t out of someone who richly deservs it.
Diplomacy is: The ability to tell a person to go to hell and make him anxious to get there.
Stressed is desserts spelled backwards.
President Bush, the First Lady, and Dick Cheney are flying on Air Force One.
George looks at Laura, chuckles and says,
"You know, I could throw a $1,000.00 bill out the window right now and make
somebody very happy."
Laura shrugs her shoulders and says,
"Well, I could throw ten $100.00 bills out the window and make 10 people
very happy."
Cheney says,
"Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $10.00 bills out the window and
make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot,
"Such bigshots back there..... Hell, I could throw all of them out the window
and make 56 million people very happy."
:D
LOL and a :D I laughed at that one the first time I saw it. Just laughed again.
Just realized---should have posted this here:
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 AM, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, 'How will I know if they are pregnant?'
The other farmer replied, 'If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not.'
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again, and proceeded to try again. This process continued each morning for more than a week.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, 'Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.'
'Neither', yelled his wife, 'they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.
lol :D good one buf
Pun Intended
1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because
it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
The code enforcement officer writing the citation must have been hard pressed to reach his/her goal of tickets for that week. (see #7) Killjoy.
A visual joke I thought was clever...
https://discussions.virtualdr.com/im...2008/09/28.jpg
finally a smart blond joke :)
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Finally, a smart blonde joke. :D
Good One :)
6 Truths of Life
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.
I apologize about this .
I'm an idiot and I needed company ...
Forgetter Be Forgotten
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the hell was that?'
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
CAN YOU RELATE???
A man walks into the doctor with a strawberry growing on his head.
I`ll give you some cream for that said the Dr"
A man goes to the Psychaiatrist and says "I can`t stop singing the green green grass of home"
The shrink (I cant spell Sykiatist)tells him he is suffering from the Tom Jones syndrome
"Is it rare" he asks
"It`s not unusual! " comes the reply