VRDR members... pls remember that this is a family oriented web site. Over the last few weeks some of our jokes have gotten more than a bit adult oriented . Pls keep it clean.
Thanks
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VRDR members... pls remember that this is a family oriented web site. Over the last few weeks some of our jokes have gotten more than a bit adult oriented . Pls keep it clean.
Thanks
A very fair reminder fink. I am one of those guilty ones. I felt "led" to post a few but primarily after having seen similar jokes; etc.
Good enough buf, just remember before you post if you would want younger members of your family to view what you are posting. It always works for me. Nuff said;)Quote:
Originally Posted by buf
Heres one I thought was quite good. SW
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding
anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk
of the town.
"What a peaceful & loving couple".
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to
the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, " explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the
bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my
wife'shorse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife
looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled
again, this timecausing her to drop her water.
Once more my wife quietly said,"That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse
stumbled for a third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her
purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, "What 's wrong with you,
Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that?
Are you crazy??"
She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."
NO MORE REFLECTIONS ON THE PAST/PRESENT!!!
Well, it's not a mid-life crisis, but here's
how things worked out for me.
Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one
day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had
a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a
sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and
white TV, but I got to sleep every night with
a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice
house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It
seems to me that you are not holding up your
side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told
me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond,
and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap
car, watching a 10" black and white TV, and
sleeping on a sofa bed...............
HA HA! Good one, Buf!
Never mess with women, we're dangerous ;)
Ya got that right GetaGrrrip and that is why I don't mess with you women---no more :D
I recently read the signature of someone somewhere that was quiet appropriately put. Well from her point of view, I suppose. Can't put it here though.
:D How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can! 't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When! she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. :D :eek: :D
Nice one(s).
lmao. oh i can see myself getting in a lot of trouble telling them, but it has to be done.
You know I just had to post this :D
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."
What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? - did it ever happen?? (My personal favorite!)
What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why does a man like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach every time they see a bikini
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.
What is a "successful hunting trip"?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days
How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A Lazy witch.
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
^^^ ;) Just like a woman, gotta get the last word in. :D :D BJ
:p But would you men expect anything less? ;)
:rolleyes:
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, " Just the guy what won, so I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the Chairman of Enron.
Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I
want to have it done", replies Arthur.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor.
"It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no
going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that doc and you're not going to change my mind;
either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "but its against my better judgment!"
So Arthur has his operations and the next day he is up and
walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with
his IV stand. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the
same way. "Hi there", says Arthur. "It looks like you've just had the same
operation as me." "Well", said the patient.
"I finally decided after 37 years that I would like to be Circumcised."
Arthur stared at him in horror...
"Darn, THAT'S THE WORD!!!!" :eek: