LOL, couple of good ones, Buf :)
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LOL, couple of good ones, Buf :)
TWO WOMEN IN HEAVEN
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda
2nd woman: Hi! My name is Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching tv.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ........we'd both still be alive.
Subject: FW: Cure yourself
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Weekly-Overloaded-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidotes known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or Begin-Excessive-Extremity-Relaxer (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
The ONLY way I get by each day imadreamer2 ;)
Just grin and bear, bare, beer it each day.
Hmmm, for me:
Makes-A-Really-Great-And-Relaxing-Invigorating-Time-Again
(just add salt)
Hub wants honorable mention, but since I didn't use the word he suggested for "I" he can forget it.
This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.
The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk "I want you to pace yourself. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me, a lot of money; consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun, "the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says "Shhhh, they're getting closer!"
eyebrow's joke reminded me of one I saved a loong time ago. Here it is for you to enjoy--well maybe:
Three Legged Chicken
--------------------
A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!
Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard and dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know, can't catch 'em."
Eyebrows, I wasn't expecting that ending, good one!Quote:
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says "Shhhh, they're getting closer!"
:D
I am just passing them---I still don't write these---buf
Will this one one fly?
A QUICKIE
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike...."
A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"
"Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex !!"
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed ! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex ?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
There are three premiership teams stranded in a desert - Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal. They have been there for one week when they finally come across a dead camel. The Man United players say 'As we're ManCHESTer United, we'll have the chest.' The Liverpool players say 'As we're LIVERpool, we'll have the liver.' 'We're not hungry,' say the Arsenal players.
Liam
liam858 will you please give directions to the nearest OASIS--heck I would even settle for the MIRAGE :p
Hmm, they didn't want "rump roast"? :p
The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this bulletin
.......
"Warning: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and
Grizzly bear manure:
Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like “pepper."
ROFL! "You a dancer?" ... "Naw, I'm just drunk." :D