And they're referring to him as a South of the Border Collie :)
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And they're referring to him as a South of the Border Collie :)
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
*
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
*
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to
the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who
were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but
they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily
tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over,
ripped
out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back
off!! Or I'll kick the s... out of all of you !
*
"St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
*
"Just a couple of minutes ago."
(received this from a friend with a wicked sense of humor)!
Great diet.
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog Lola - and was in
line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........
Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The
Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in
the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's
in both
arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I
told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is
to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally
complete
so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was
that why I ended up in the hospital?
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit
me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
:D :D
lmao Poppy :D
Just in case someone wants a laugh today(it's been a week since the last post!!!)
Back in Kentucky, you didn't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--and into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' about the good ol' days when Maw spots the biggest bird she had ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw straightens up and says, "Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house and brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster-size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
Blonde's Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels....Helllloooo!!!...bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a
slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the
Other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped
Because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per
Pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button
on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!!
lmao Dreamer ... I like that :D
Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bed sock was taped to each walker; in hopes
that Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grand-kids had sent us some Christmassy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter.
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight p.m. stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
Afore long you'll be with us -- we wish you the best.
That's a funny one :)
An aide rushes into G Dubya`s office and tells him that 3 Brazilian soldiers have been killed in Iran. G Dubya breaks down in tears but pulls himself together and asks "How many exactly is 3 Brazilian"
That is funny. The way I originally heard it was the aid rushed into George Bushes office. But either way it is funny. LOL How many is 3 brazillian? LOL.
Very clever!
sorry for confusion.........G Dubya = George W Bush!!!!! AAAAaaaaagh
A TEXAS AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to
land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on
infidel's runway 9R --Allah be Praised !!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound
on runway 27L."
Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's
runway 27L.- -Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: " DALLAS ATC ! DALLAS ATC !!! "
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead (sigh) Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY
GOING
IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS !!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE !!!
INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell
Allah "Howdy" for us -- ya copy?
Not a real joke but...
A true story.....A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.
One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk.
After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.
There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled demurely.
Pull yourself together! she chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children; you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!
The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. She went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.
When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change---but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone?
Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something.
But no ice cream cone was in sight.
With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.
His face broke into his familiar warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse."
THOUGHTFUL HUSBAND!!!
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show him!
Deep in the back woods,of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think theres another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems theres yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, .
.. .
. .
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
First Time for Everything
AN OLD COWBOY went to church for the first time in his life and told a friend about it:
"I tied my horse to a tree in the corral," said the cowboy.
"At church, that's called a parking lot," explained the friend.
"Then I went up some steps and through the main gate."
"That's called the front door in a church."
"Inside, a man in a suit and tie gave me a piece of paper and pointed to a chute I should go down."
"That's called an aisle in church."
"Then I saw an empty stall and sat down."
"That's called a pew."
"Oh," said the cowboy. "That's exactly what the lady next to me said—'P-U'."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Where's the Fire?
TWO BUZZARDS were flying over the desert when a jet whizzed by them, its exhaust spouting flame and smoke. As the plane sped out of sight, one buzzard said, "That bird was really in a hurry."
"You'd be, too," said the other buzzard, "if your tail was on fire."
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just
> > >>> > > > at
> > >>> > > > that moment, a bee flew in his window.
> > >>> > > >
> > >>> > > > The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
> > >>> > > >
> > >>> > > > "I'm out of gas."
> > >>> > > >
> > >>> > > > The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
> > >>> > > >
> > >>> > > > Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew
> > >>> > > > to his car and into his gas tank.
> > >>> > > >
> > >>> > > > After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
> > >>> > > > "Try it now," said one bee.
> > >>> > > >
> > >>> > > > The man turned the ignition key and the car started right
> > >>> > > > up.
> > >>> > > >
> > >>> > > > "Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?
> > >>> > > >
> > >>> > > > The bee answered, "BP."
STUPID OR WHAT? THEY WALK AMONG US!
I was calling to order a pizza ,with the menu in hand, I order a large pizza with ground beef, bacon, and extra cheese and the girl on the phone says "oh I'm sorry we don't have any ground beef" so I say "but here on the menu it says you have hamburger" and she responds "Oh well we have hamburger!" So I said, ok I'll take the hamburger instead of the ground beef then.
She says no problem!
They Walk Among Us
________________________
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!
___________________________
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"
They Walk Among Us!
_____________________
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore
. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
They Walk Among Us!
__________________________
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
________________________
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"
I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
They Walk Among Us!
___________________________
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands..
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?".
They Walk Among Us!
__________________________________
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.
* Memorial
A woman's husband dies. He had left $30, 000 to be used for an elaborate funeral. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that "there is absolutely nothing left from the $30,000."
The friend asks, "How can that be?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6, 500. And of course I made a donation to the church -- that was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks -- you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$22, 500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"
The widow says, "Four and a half carats."
Firearms Refresher Course all it really takes is: some COMMON SENSE!
1. An armed man is a citizen & an unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3 Colt: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7. "Free" men do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.
11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
14. Guns only have two enemies: rust and politicians.
15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs safer.
20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
22. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
23. Enforce the "gun control laws" we ALREADY have, don't make more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
26. "A government of the people, by the people, for the people..."
Guess I had some thoughts on posting this here but it makes so much sense to me that I felt I should even only one part of it seems to me to be a joke that being the Colt = original point & click interface
I dunno. The 'all Rights reserved' tag added to the Constitutional copyright is kind of funny. As to the rest, though...yeah.
And about item #5: I remember reading an article a few months back, in the online edition of a Scottish newspaper (don't remember what paper, sorry,) about a decision by the Scottish Parliment to ban swords, ostensibly in an effort to cut down on blade crimes. Just goes to show that no matter how absurd something might be, a government somewhere will seriously consider it.
And, in an effort not to completely clog the post with non-joke material, I present the following, sparked by the 'weatherman accuracy' topic a few days ago.
A man called his local news station one day. This is how the conversation went.
"Hello, W*** News. May I help you?"
"Hi, yeah. My name is Tom Smith. Could I please speak to your weatherman for a moment?"
"I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but he's out of the office right now, and won't be back for a few hours. May I take a message?"
"Yeah, that'd be great, thanks. Would you please tell him I had to shovel six inches of 'partly cloudy' off my driveway yesterday?" -CLICK-
Great stuff guys :D
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the
custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet
and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this
world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of
his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes
out does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
Don't laugh, he won!
>
>
> The elderly priest, says to the younger priest, "It was a good idea to
> replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked
> like
> a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."
> The young priest nods, and the old priest continues, "And you said more
> beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported
> you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We're packed to
> the
> balcony!!"
>
> "Thank you, Father," answers the young priest. "I'm pleased that you're
> open to the new youthful ideas."
>
> "However," says the elderly priest, "You went too far with the
> 'drive-thru'
> confessional."
>
> "But, Father," protests the young priest, "my confessions and the
> donations nearly doubled since I began that!"
>
> "I know, my son," replies the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon
> sign,
> 'Toot 'n Tell, or Go To Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!"
Not exactly a joke, but I found this kind of interesting.
Unisys Apologizes for Creating Unintended Consequences of the Computer Age
We'll do better," promises developer of leading-edge technolog
Blue Bell, PA, June 14, 2001 -- Unisys Corporation today issued a public apology for the many human inconveniences resulting from its invention of UNIVAC I, the world's first commercial computer, introduced on June 14, 1951.
"UNIVAC was a marvel of its time," said Leo Daiuto, corporate vice president, and vice president and general manager, Product Development & Technology. "Directly or indirectly, our invention of UNIVAC led to a whole new industry and a new way of life for all of us. Today, we're still inventing bigger, faster, more cost-effective enterprise computers. But sadly," Daiuto continued, "the many benefits of the Computer Age have been accompanied by a number of transaction-based annoyances -- all unimagined 50 years ago. As the company that started it all, Unisys feels it only fitting that it mark this historic anniversary with an apology for those inconveniences."
Specifically, Unisys apologized for:
• Making it impossible for anyone to do more than five minutes' worth of work without being interrupted by an emailed joke, Top Ten list, or chain letter.
• Ensuring that if something goes wrong with a piece of equipment, intelligent, well-meaning people armed with hand tools and mechanical know-how will no longer be able to fix it.
• Relegating to obscurity the smell of fresh-cut flowers because the only flowers you ever get to smell nowadays are the ones you see in online pictures when you're ordering them to appease an irate spouse, who's feeling neglected because you're spending every spare minute online.
• Making trips to the mall unnecessary because anything you can get there is available online at a steep discount.
• Ending that great morning tradition of newspaper and coffee, because by the time your coffee is hot, the "news" in your newspaper is already two generations behind the online edition.
• Giving government, business, and the average twelve-year-old the means by which to find out more about you and your personal tastes than you yourself ever knew.
• Getting you so used to receiving responses in nanoseconds that you can no longer wait the ten seconds it takes for your microwave oven to warm up your bagel.
• Making it impossible for you to justify that trip to a training workshop in Cancun because all the training you'll need is now available on your desktop.
• Making it possible for you to vacation in Cancun without ever losing touch with your boss back at the office.
• Forcing you to go through a five-minute startup routine every time your computer crashes while you're creating a three-minute memo.
• Giving SPAM a bad name.
• Jeopardizing the continued influence in American presidential politics of the hanging chad.
• Making it easier for the IRS to spot discrepancies between your tax return and objective reality.
• Reducing your life and everything in it to a series of counterintuitive acronyms.
• Giving you a false sense of security regarding the spelling and grammatical accuracy of your next memo.
• Increasing your volume of in-mail to the point where you have to devote significant time outside of regular working hours to get through it all.
Eliminating the concept of regular working hours.
• Providing you with the means to lose money in the stock market at an unprecedented pace.
• The half-dozen keystrokes you need to press for the privilege of being put on hold.
• All those Monday morning deadlines you didn't know about because they were emailed to your laptop at 10:00 p.m. on Sunday.
• All those theater tickets you can no longer buy at the door because every seat has already been sold online.
• The dot.com bubble.
• The bursting of the dot.com bubble.
• The concept of multitasking.
• The avalanche of press releases that any company with a media directory and access to email can now generate at a moment's notice.
UNIVAC, short for Universal Automatic Computer, was a large-scale, general-purpose commercial electronic computing system designed to satisfy the diverse needs of business management. Heralded by users as a fundamental management tool, the UNIVAC computer made possible a degree of management control never before realized by organizations in both the public and private sectors.
The United States Census Bureau became the first enterprise computer customer on June 14, 1951, when its UNIVAC I was officially put into service. With other government clients such as the United States Air Force, the United States Army, and the Atomic Energy Commission, as well as public industry giants such as General Electric, Metropolitan Life, US Steel, and DuPont, UNIVAC quickly became the acknowledged standard for technological innovation at the dawn of the Computer Age.
In 1952, UNIVAC I gained widespread public attention when it correctly predicted the Eisenhower landslide in the US Presidential election. Because most political pundits were expecting a much closer election, CBS chose not to air the UNIVAC prediction, acknowledging its accuracy only after the election had been decided.
"Fifty years ago, it certainly wasn't easy to predict how radically our lives would be changed by the computer," Daiuto said. "UNIVAC was invented to help manage the complexities of our lives, but in many ways we now face more complexities because of what UNIVAC started. Over the past half-century, the world has paid a high price for the benefits of business computing. That's why we introduced our latest innovation, which makes the benefits of effectively processing business transactions available more widely.
"Cellular MultiProcessing [CMP]," Daiuto concluded, "allows us to design and deliver mainframe computers and enterprise servers that make handling big transactions easier than ever before, yet that are also less expensive than competitive systems. We'll continue to develop new technology to advance the evolution we started with UNIVAC -- and this time, we hope, without all those nasty, unintended consequences."
Facts About UNIVAC I,
Comparisons to Today's State-of-the-Art Technology
UNIVAC I Unisys e-@ction Enterprise Server ES7000 Ratio
Add: 120 microseconds 0.556 nanoseconds 216,000:1
Multiply: 1800 microseconds 20 nanoseconds 90,000:1
Divide: 3600 microseconds 78 nanoseconds 46,000:1
Memory: 9,000 bytes 64 gigabytes 1:7.6 million
Dimensions: 952 cubic feet 52 cubic feet 18.4:1
Weight: 29,000 lbs 1,200 lbs 24:1
Power: 125 kilowatts 6.76 kilowatts 18.5:1
Processors: 1 @ 0.008 MHz 32 @ 900 MHz 1:3,600,000
A microsecond is one millionth of a second; a nanosecond is one billionth of a second.
A gigabyte is one billion bytes
* The UNIVAC I was so large that it was built in a cube with a hollow core and had doors to walk inside. Customer engineers frequently put a desk and chair inside and used it as an air-conditioned office.
* UNIVAC I was water-cooled and required a constant source of chilled water flowing through its pipes to keep the vacuum tubes from overheating. One UNIVAC was cooled with water from the local river and failed from overheating. The cause was traced to a fish blocking one of the pipes. The screen on the intake pipe had come loose creating the first computer-fish failure (rather than a bug).
About Unisys
Unisys is an e-business solutions company whose 37,000 employees help customers in 100 countries apply information technology to seize opportunities and overcome challenges of the Internet economy. Unisys people integrate and deliver the solutions, services, platforms and network infrastructure required by business and government to transform their organizations for success in this new era. The company offers a rich portfolio of Unisys e-@ction Solutions for e-business based on its expertise in vertical industry solutions, network services, outsourcing, systems integration and multivendor support, coupled with enterprise-class server and related technologies. The primary vertical markets Unisys serves worldwide include financial services, transportation, communications, publishing and commercial sectors, as well as the public sector, including federal government customers. Unisys is headquartered in Blue Bell, Pennsylvania, in the Greater Philadelphia area. For more information on the company, access the Unisys home page on the World Wide Web at www.unisys.com. Investor information can be found at www.unisys.com/investor.
###
RELEASE NO.: 0601/8026
Unisys is a registered trademark and e-@ction is a trademark of Unisys Corporation. All other brands and products referenced herein are acknowledged to be trademarks or registered
Subject: Firetruck
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think it could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
-
Smile, People will wonder what you are up to! :D
Being that its Wales v Ireland in the 6 nations today, I thought it time for a good old Irish Joke. Make sure to use your best Irish accent when reading/telling this joke. :D
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere, " says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
THERE'S MORE...............................
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Moments later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
Hi, Paddy. Watch dis, " Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
.
.
.
.
.
SORRY BUT IT IS NOT OVER YET...
.
.
.
.
.
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat,lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. . . and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"
I'm just glad no one can hear the really crappy Irish accent I was using!
:D
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in
and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son had only a head. But the dad loved his son anyway,
and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took
him to the bar and, saying he was proud of him, ordered up the
biggest strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons
looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in
disbelief, the boy took his first sip of an alcoholic beverage.
Swoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son's head!
The bar was deadly silent; then burst into whoops of joy. The father,
shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons began chanting,
"Take another drink!" The bartender stood still, shaking his head in
amazement.
Fffffrrppt! Two arms popped out.
The bar went wild. The father, moaning and wailing, cried for his son
to drink again. The patrons continued their chant: "Take another
drink!" The bartender turned his back at this point, ignoring the
whole affair. By now the boy was getting tipsy, but with his new
hands he reached down, grabbed his drink, and guzzled the last of it.
Sgggrrhhhzzhy! Two legs popped out.
The bar fell into chaos, with the father on his knees, thanking God.
The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left, then to
the right, then right through the front door, and into the street,
where a truck ran into him, killing him instantly.
The bar fell silent. The father began to moan in grief. The bartender
picked up the boy's empty glass, and began to clean it, muttering,
"That boy should have quit while he was a head."
;) :rolleyes:
"Shoulda quit while he was a head"---that was a smart deduction and quick thinking. Eerie ending.
The Secret to a Long Marriage
With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's
marriage marathon, the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the
same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect,
spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special
occasions."
The minister inquired, "Trips to where"?
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands,
Pete."
Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your
50th anniversary."
Pete said, "I'm going to go get her."
:rolleyes: :)
You see----SOME husbands are very thoughtful.
Subject: WINTER BLONDE
A trucker stops for a red light and a blonde pulls up behind him. She
jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you
are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the
street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She
jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker
lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi
my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the
blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker
rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are
losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in WISCONSIN and I'm driving the SALT
TRUCK!"
THIS IS HILARIOUS!! The bounced check
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old
woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in
the New York Times.
Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which
I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to
honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your
bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at
your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the
Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Information Sheet, which I
require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot
be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone
bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
buttons as follows: #1. To make an appointment to see me #2. To query a
missing payment. #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there. #4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. #5. To
transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. #6. To
transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home #7. To leave a
message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized
Contact mentioned earlier. #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7. #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact
will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman) 'Ya Just Gotta Love
"Us Seniors"
*You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too
old To REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.
For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
> >
> > If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous
> > sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like
this:
> >
> > COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
> >
> > ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
> >
> > COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
> > thinking About buying a computer.
> >
> > ABBOTT: Mac?
> >
> > COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
&g t; >
> > ABBOTT: Your computer?
> >
> > COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
> >
> > ABBOTT: Mac?
> >
> > COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
> >
> > ABBOTT: What about Windows?
> >
> > COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
> >
> > ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
> >
> > COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
> >
> > ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
> >
> > COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
> >
> > ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
> >
> > COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
> > proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
> >
> > ABBOTT: Office.
> >
> > COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
> >
> > ABBOTT: I just did.
> >
> > COSTELLO: You just did what?
> >
> > ABBOTT: Recommend something.
> >
> > COSTELLO: You recommended something?
> >
> > ABBOTT: Yes.
> >
> > COSTELLO: For my office?
> >
> > ABBOTT: Yes.
> >
> > COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
> >
> > ABBOTT: Office.
> >
> > COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
> >
> > ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
> >
> > COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows!
> > OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a
> > proposal.? What do I need?
> >
> > ABBOTT: Word.
> >
> > COSTELLO: What word?
> >
> > ABBOTT: Word in Office.
& gt; >
> > COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
> >
> > ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
> >
> > COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
> >
> > ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
> >
> > COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with
> > some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have
> > anything I can track my money with?
> >
> > ABBOTT: Money.
> >
> > COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
> >
> > ABBOTT: Money.
> >
> > COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
> >
> > ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
> >
> > COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
> >
> > ABBOTT: Money.
> >
> > COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
> >
> > ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
> >
> > COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
> >
> > ABBOTT: One copy.
> >
> > COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
> >
> > ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
> >
> > COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
> >
> > ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
> >
> > (A few days later)
> >
> > ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
> >
> > COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
> >
> > ABBOTT: Click on "START".............*
> >
THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up
the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing.
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you
can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with
some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need
it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain
about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby
Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older
child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for
the coin to pass.
3rd child : When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
allowance!!
Pass this on to everyone you know who has children...or anyone who KNOWS
someone who has had children...
(The older the mother, the funnier this is!)
GRANDCHILDREN: God's reward for allowing your children to live.
So TRUE!
GRANDCHILDREN: God's revenge on your kids.:)
AMEN!!!! Love to give them cool-aid, cake other sugar THEN send them home...payback!!!:pQuote:
Originally Posted by lgbpop