Talked to him about ...sbc, att, e-bay, yada, yada....
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Talked to him about ...sbc, att, e-bay, yada, yada....
[B][U]AMENNNNNNNQuote:
Originally Posted by lgbpop
R we sure {s}he/it is one??????????????
Quick Quips
TOOTHSOME. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
GOOD QUESTION. What's the difference between a man with a cold and a professional boxer? One blows his nose; the other knows his blows.
WONDER YEARS. Husband: What are the best 10 years of a woman's life? Wife: Twenty-nine to 30.
FOOTBALL FINANCES. Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.
IN THE MIDDLE. Student: Well, Pa, I'm the dumbest of the smart ones, but I'm smartest of the dumb ones.
TRUE SALESMANSHIP. When a woman was asked why she bought a Cadillac, she responded, "The DeVille made me do it."
Choice Is Good
THE REPAIR shop sign read:
We do three kinds of jobs—cheap, quick and good. You can have any two:
• A good, quick job—won't be cheap.
• A good job, cheap—won't be quick.
• A cheap job, quick—won't be good.
I know it's a joke folks. The person who sent it to me thinks it is real. LOL
What's in a name
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I
want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway,
he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will
not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER
go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you,
you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he
left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope s ent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000.
The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads
the letter enclosed...
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to
make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.You told me I would never
make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you
were right. I had to change my name. I had too much
pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would
never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a
token of my appreciation
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely, Dick van Dyke
(I don't care who you are, that's funny.)
Too funny.....
Halloween Scare
.....or maybe I'm just a little warped.
shotsi :rolleyes:
You're not warped (at least in this instance ;) )
That's FUNNY!
lmao Dreamer those are good :D
.... And Shotsi...... that is too funny :D
The True Origin of the Internet
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling thee which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums
that would work only with Brother Gates's drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.
LOL :D
Very clever!
OY VEY !!!!.............roflQuote:
Originally Posted by x71s8zTN
Come the 12 month of our year, soooo many people start askin' what da ya like/ would ya want, yada, yada.....( i know most of ya aint been there..)
At one time my warden..er.ah..wife asked me what i wanted.
Told her all i wanted was here love..(NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER!!!)
Asked what kind of scent i liked..(Don't ask).
WOULDN,T leave me alone..sooooo...
told her my favorite scent was..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Hoppes # 7
.
.
.
.
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.
.
.
.she went to the perrrr- fuummeeee counter and the poor youg lady for....
ya guessed it.
they spent over an hour trying to find..
.
.
.
.hoppes#7
I ended up telling them it was like Channel#5....
Most stores don't carry it............
Oy vey..........
Didn't bother to check this out, it's hilarious whether or not it's true.
**************************************************
The Middle Wife (By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher)
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but
the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade
classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.So I
always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness
and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever
place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to
school and talk about it, they're welcomed to.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and
I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a
symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke
grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in
amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh,
oh!' " Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.
"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now this kid
is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a
sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed
like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he
got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are
miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe..'
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden,
out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was
from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell
day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.
Yep, that was funny this first time I read it and also just now. Imagination acted out.
Just heard this one. Since it is American, you have probably seen/heard it before, but here goes:
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington Chemistry mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
BONUS QUESTION: IS HELL EXOTHERMIC (GIVES OFF HEAT) OR ENDOTHERMIC
(ABSORBS HEAT)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed), or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: _______________________
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul goes to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "... that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic, and will not freeze.
The student received the only 'A' given.
Enjoy! Rex
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Just got this one.
Walmart:
Mr. and Mrs.Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that he go with her to Walmart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store.
Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below. Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!" And last, but not least ...
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
I know I'm going to hear some crap over this one, but I can take it! :)
Just Released - Opening Day Agenda for the 2008 Democratic National
Convention:
7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.
7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N.
7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
7:30 - 8:00 P.M. Nonreligious prayer and worship. Jessie Jackson and
Al Sharpton.
8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:05 P.M. Ceremonial tree hugging.
8:15- 8:30 P.M. Gay Wedding-- Barney Frank Presiding.
8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan-- Susan Sarandon
-- Tim Robbins
9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for
surrender-- French President Jacques Chirac
9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney
transplant fund
9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from
Guantanamo Bay. Sean Penn
9:40 P.M. Why I hate the Military, (and how I managed to
avoid it) A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton
9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award,
presented by Michael Moore
9:55 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
10:00 P.M. How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the
World
Trade Center Towers-- Howard Dean
10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud
Ahmadinejad
11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents Internet
11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War Criminals-- John Kerry
11:30 P.M. Coronation of Mrs. Rodham Clinton
12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home
7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast x 8
12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home
ROFL!!!! I love it!!! :D
Glad you do :)
Waiting for my buddy, Buf, to see this. Hmm...maybe he won't be my buddy after this? J/K - he better be!
By the way...I did get prior permission from an "unnamed moderator" before posting that joke :D
lol oh sureeeee you go above my head!! I see how you are! :D
:p
LOL, no, I wasn't going to post it, but "the unnamed Mod" said I should. It was sent to "the unnamed Mod" in a PM.
I think he's just trying to get me in trouble...but then again, I don't ever seem to need any help with that! :rolleyes:
lmao :D You and me both ;)
'Sounds' like a bad loser's response to me :p I seem to recall first seeing that showing the Reps as Darth Vader or some other SINistermasked bugger. You gotta remember that the great state of Virginia voted the last Dem gentleman into the Senate :D Virginians well spoke their minds :D Beware, your fellow "countrymen" spoke their minds.
Happy that I haven't disappointed you GetaGrrrip :)
A sore loser huh? :p Nope, can't say that I am. Just had to get a few digs in :D
You've got to admit, it's funny!
I rest my case :)Quote:
Crimson Blonde
7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast x 8
12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home
ROFL!!!! I love it!!! :D
nah.. they aren't sore losers ... the reps have been taking a lot of dung thrown their way for the past near decade ... you have to expect they have the opportunity to fling back now ;)
I'm an equal opportunity laugher ... if the dems have something worthwhile to laugh about with the reps .. so be it ... now its just vice versa :D
And now the dung has finally hit the mark(s). The smell still lingers but it'll go away in time.
I really don't care which party is in office; I only want what is good for all Americans---not just a select few. Honesty helps a bunch also.
That must be why "Abscam Jack" Murtha is gonna be Ms. Pelosi's poster boy for restoring integrity in government. :rolleyes:
Good find, GG--see if you can find one on the Republicans, too. :)
At least my phone has stopped ringing. I am so freakin sick of political mudslinging.
PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:)
Edit: Forgot the happy face. This is the joke thread.
I agree, no more mudslinging. I don't care who gets in they all will s***w us. Now for
A Riddle for the Day..........
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Bush is one.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )
The answer is: "A Last Name."
You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you? :)
Drat it. I was ready for a good answer ;)
No joke, the mudslinging has GOT to stop. I'm so glad that's over with. You would think someone out there would be bright enough to campaign without slinging any crap - bet they'd get elected!Quote:
Originally Posted by DanC
Awwww................that's no fun.... :)
Well, after giving it further thought, I think I had better reveal to everyone that I am the un-named Mod GetaGrrrip sent the PM to for "clearance before posting her "joke". The problem is I was told that it was the RNC the "joke" was about. I was scammed/bamboozled by by by this tricky maneuver---it must have been a Karl Rove idea!!! :D Was it also him who caused the Robotphone calling to irritate so many people who were given false info on voting places; etc in Virginia :p :eek:
....And that's the rest of the story.
So let it stop already--the "road pie slinging".
Rove had nothing to do with the phone calls, but I understand he was behind John Kerry's "joke." :rolleyes: At least that's what the Kerry supporters down here (both of them) said. :eek:
I agree, let's give this a rest. We have to start training for 2008 in a year, anyway. :)
lgbpop, gotta ask ya, who is the other Kerry supporter in Ft. Myers?
How'd you hear about that so fast? She's the widow of the first one.
I'll tell ya what I find funny..... :D
Remember all those Diebold electronic voting machines? The ones that Democrats said could not be trusted? And how Diebold was in the Republican pocket to fix elections?
All of a sudden...they are working just fine it seems. Hmmmm...... :rolleyes:
Guess it's all in the timing.....LOL :D
EDIT: Don't see any crying for recounts either........ :eek:
Now that's a joke for ya. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by maxximilian
lmao Maxx ... I noticed that too :D