heheh .... that's cute :D
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heheh .... that's cute :D
EU Security Threat Levels – an update
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross”. Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance”. The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.
It’s not only the English and the French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”.
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
rofl :D
too funny :D
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, you jerk, get in."
That's an oldie but I think I haven't seen it around
The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one
less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 persent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the
new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated
changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double
letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil
agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and
they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by
"z" and "w" by " v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from
vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German
like zey vunted in ze forst place.
Edited by Moderator. SPAM.
Jener Witz war furchtbar. Und es ist deutsch übrigens. Nicht 'German'.
Huh?
My friend got this letter from his wife. BJ
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not to bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will forgive me. You know h ow much I love you and care for you my sweet heart.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
"Jener Witz war furchtbar. Und es ist deutsch übrigens. Nicht 'German'."
From Babel Fish Translation:Quote:
Originally Posted by imadreamer2
"That joke was terrible. And it German by the way is. Not ' German '."
No harm done, it was just a Chevy. :)
https://discussions.virtualdr.com/im.../2006/10/6.gif
Sister Anna Banana and Sister Fantasia were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer.
The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it.
The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "This is for washing our hair."
The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."
A police officer was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about,
he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could
look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape,
The kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was
The sentence.
"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
Owie!!! :D
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
> > surgeries they had performed.
> >
> > One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite
case, a
concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8
months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.
> >
> > The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and
both
legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold
medal in
track and field events in the Olympics."
> >
> > The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a
woman
was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train
traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's
blonde
hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's a
senator from New York.
Rofl!! :D :D
Too funny JP ;)
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma; you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson... "They won't let me fart.
My other half says..HA..HA..HA !!! F.O.R.D. = found on raod dead and /or first on race day ..to break down !!!!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by lgbpop
I tought her wel !!!! ;0P
BUT !!! I did name her "mustang sally" she couldn't slow that mustang down...THAT is the gospel truth !!!!Loved that car, I did !!
Your tooooo kind !!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by JPnyc
In most of the northern states, there is a policy of checking on any
stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to the
single digits or below. About 3 a.m. one very cold morning in March
2004, a state police officer responded to a call: there was a car off
the shoulder of the road on the outskirts of Casper. He located the
car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running. Pulling in
behind the car with his emergency lights on, the officer walked to the
driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a
nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.
The driver awakened when the officer tapped on the window. Seeing
the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the state policeman standing next to his car, the man panicked, jerked the gearshift into "drive" and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. The policeman, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked thinking the officer was actually keeping up with him.
This goes on for about 30 seconds when the patrolman yelled at the man
ordering him to "pull over!" the man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the
engine.
Needless to say, the man from Casper was arrested and is probably
still shaking his head over the state patrolman who could run 50 miles per hour.
Who says policemen don't have a sense of humor?
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her
husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."
he husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
He never heard the shot....
Click here
I want a job like yours! :D
I'm just so glad I've got some goof off time...sure haven't had any in months.
So :p to you :D
Those are cute GG :D
Love the Cop one ;)
Thank you CB. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Crimson Blonde
Hey Lgbpop - note: Her answer was the correct response :D
You other golfers may like this one also:
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns
to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I
think I've got that going right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it
seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and
call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward
him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green
or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice"
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and
call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his
voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $25,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to
play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."
That's a good one! I'll be sure to tell it to my Dad :)
Two cows are grazing together.
One says to the other, "Are you worried about that mad cow disease that's going around?"
The second cow replies, "I don't give a $hit... I'm a helicopter."
I was going to post a YouTube clip about job opportunities but decided it might just be a wee tad too adult oriented, re: language, however, it is hilarious. No worse than what they see on the telly. In reverse. ;)
As George Burns would say - Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.
heheh :D
Ya gotta love george and crazy cows :D
"Cutting hair", ok, might work. But these days, some of those "driving cabs" look a little too closely related to _the_ 'Terrorists'. :( :)
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job".
Mujibar said, "I am ready".
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green".
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready".
The manager said, "Go ahead".
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar'".
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I'm pretty sure I have. :)
The Seamstress (errr, some names were edited by me :o )
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a
river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord
appeared and asked,
"My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the
water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for
their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden
thimble set with pearls.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked
The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver
thimble ringed with sapphires.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all
three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband
along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and
disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why
are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Lucky Vanous (YES!! He of the Diet Coke commercial!)
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes!" cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Lucky Vanous, you
would have come up with Harrison Ford. Then if I said 'no' to him, you
would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would
have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would
not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said
'yes' to Lucky Vanous.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a
good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women
:D
Sorry, but I gotta question the "sign off" language in the above joke :D :
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women
**********************************************
John, *the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).*
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosterscoming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Oh hush it, Buf :DQuote:
Sorry, but I gotta question the "sign off" language in the above joke :D :
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women
Another reason not to vote for Hillary Clinton. ;)Quote:
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a
good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women
Now you're getting mean! Not fair to include all women with "Hillary"!
:p
:)
Why not? She does. :D :D
I'm old school...if I have to vote for a liar, I'll vote for the one looking out for himself.
It's almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over
the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the
anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for
pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed
to board an RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket
over his 19th century admiral's uniform.
How Nelson would have fared if he's been subject to modern health and
safety regulations.
You are now on the deck of the recently renamed British Flagship, HMS
Apeasement.
Order the signal. Hardy.
Aye, aye, sir.
Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the
meaning of this?
Sorry, sir?
England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race,
gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What
gobbledegook is this?
Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England" past the
censors, lest it be considered racist.
Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments.
In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace
to steel the men before battle.
The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking.
Good heavens. Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full
speed ahead.
I think you'll find that there's a 4 mph speed limit in this stretch
of water.
Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history.
We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest,
please.
That won't be possible, sir.
What?
Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And
they say that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.
He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral.
Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.
Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled.
Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to
hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
playing the disability card.
Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
Whatever next? Give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons.
A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?
I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men
to stand by to engage the enemy.
The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
What? This is mutiny.
It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal
aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?
Actually, sir, we're not.
We're not?
No, sir. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that
sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary.
You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.
Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules.
Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum sodomy
and the lash?
As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on
corporal punishment.
What about sodomy?
I believe it's to be encouraged sir.
In that case - kiss me Hardy.