lol. i'll let you off but only because it's easter ;) .
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lol. i'll let you off but only because it's easter ;) .
Okay :)
The men are going to like this one!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not
what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes
to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said,
"That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing ***ual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"
I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having **x tonight either....but at least that witch knows I'm smarter than her. :p
Charlotte Air Traffic Control Center:
Charlotte ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Charlotte ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R -Allah be Praised!!"
Charlotte ATC "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Charlotte ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. -Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: "CHARLOTTE ATC! CHARLOTTE ATC!!!"
Charlotte ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Charlotte ATC: Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- ya hear?
Moral: DON'T MESS WITH US
George W. Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
"Stanley," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley?"
"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds. And what is your question, Steve?"
"Actually, I have 5 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second,
Why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? :rolleyes:
And fifth, what the hell happened to Stanley?" :cool:
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,"son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M.., drunk and out of your mind. You broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says: "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that BRUCE has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says: "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Now Mr. Smith doesn't think the little s**t is so adorable anymore . :D
You gotta love this guys explanation of hell.......
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls
are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving
only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains
why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" :D
Sidewinder, I have read your last joke several times and I still smile when I read the last two lines :D :D
And GetaGrrrip, I am still looking to hear/read Teresa's input in your joke.
lol. i think he deserved that A. but he blatantly only put effort into the explanation to gloat that he slept with Teresa ;) .
Buf and Judge John - Let me state this:
MY NAME IS NOT TERESA! :p
:D
Guess this short joke will verify that gas prices have gone sky high:
I went into the 7-11 gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas.
The clerk ****** and gave me a receipt.
lol. managed to figure the joke out even if it is censored out.
Yeah, how about that AND I censored it myself when I put it up with the thought that one would figure it OUT. I thought it was funny :D
Ventriloquist and the Indian
A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun...
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian: shows extreme look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at Indian.
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: shows look of disbelief
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? "pointing at Indian.
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Indian: shows total look of amazement
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep Lie!" :eek: