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I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.
- George Burns
A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of.
- Jane Austen
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
The highbrow stuff is all very nice and inspirational and all, but I like personal witticisms and criticisms. They all make comments on two people at the same time. I always liked this Churchill quite:
"He's (Clement Attlee) a modest man...with much to be modest about."
...and one of many of Churchill's devastating ripostes:
Lady Astor: "My dear Winston, if you were my husband I'd poison your gin."
Churchill: "My dear woman, if you were my wife I'd drink it."
lmao Pop!! Those are really good... Churchill has had some gems :D
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Groucho Marx
Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
Groucho Marx
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Groucho Marx
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Groucho Marx
Liam
Groucho Marx probably had the best one-liners of anyone else in history. :D And he often got into very big trouble with the more risque of them in the early days of live TV....
One of my favorites from Dave Barry (a little long, but good):
“The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, 'people without lives.' We don’t care. We have each other.... While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most settings, uninhibited, intimate and, yes, shocking details about our 'CONFIG.SYS.'”
Those are great you two :D .... I love Groucho and I love Dave ;)
Virtue is its own punishment.
- Aneurin Bevan
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
- Jerome K. Jerome
I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world.
- Georges Duhamel
Beautiful young people are accidents of nature but beautiful old people are works of art. It is a cryptoquote from the newspaper but part of the paper was torn and I didn't get the author.
I love everything that's old - old friends, old times, old manners, old books, old wines. Oliver Goldsmith
Yesterdays author was M. Breenbie
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
- Woody Allen
Television news is like a lightning flash. It makes a loud noise, lights up everything around it, leaves everything else in darkness and then is suddenly gone.
- Hodding Carter
Never eat more than you can lift.
- Miss Piggy
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
-- Steven Wright
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
-- Steven Wright
Half the people you know are below average.
-- Steven Wright
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
-- Steven Wright
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
-- Steven Wright
I love Steven Wright :D ....... too funny Doc ;)
"I lent my friend $5000 for plastic surgery. Now I can't ask for the money back because I don't know what he looks like" - Steven Wright.
https://discussions.virtualdr.com/im.../2007/10/6.gif makes sense :D
Yep, he's quite a character. :)
Consience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.
- Evan Esar
If you don't find it in the index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue.
- Unknown
War is a series of catastrophes that results in a victory.
- Georges Clemenceau
My cat's breath smells like Cat Food
- Ralf Wiggum
Liam
lmao Liam :D
If its quotes you're interested in, I found this program that'll provide nicely: http://www.download.com/Quoteworks/3...1.html?tag=pub
Small screen that opens at startup and displays a quote for you. There are supposed to be quote modules you can download as well to add more quotes, but I can't find any :(
That looks interesting Lottario.... I'll have to check it out ;)
If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done.
- Ludwig Wittgenstein
Education is a state-controlled manufactory of echoes.
- Norman Douglas
Where facts are few, experts are many.
- Donald R. Gannon
First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from catching the complaint a second time.
- Honore de Balzac
If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?
- Charles M. Schulz
Confusion is always the most honest response.
- Marty Indik
Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.
- William Dement
It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
- Jackie Mason
"That's the thing with suicide pacts. Sometimes they only really work if they catch you by surprise."
- Randy K. Milholland
"Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else."
- James M. Barrie
"All science is either physics or stamp collecting."
- Ernest Rutherford
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Oil prices have fallen lately. We include this news for the benefit of gas stations, which otherwise wouldn't learn of it for six months.
- Bill Tammeus
Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself.
- Peter da Silva
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
'Whom are you?' he asked, for he had attended business college.
- George Ade
Now, in reality, the world have paid too great a compliment to critics, and have imagined them to be men of much greater profundity than they really are.
- Henry Fielding
A poem is no place for an idea.
- Edgar Watson Howe
No wise man ever wished to be younger.
- Jonathan Swift
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
- Umberto Eco
"Who is more busy than he who hath least to do?"
- John Clarke
"Study without desire spoils the memory, and it retains nothing that it takes in."
- Leonardo da Vinci
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--/ I took the one less traveled by, / And that has made all the difference."
- Robert Frost
Homer[Ghost]: "Marge, I need to do one good deed to get into heaven"
Marge: Well, I have a list of chores, 1. Paint The House, 2. Clean The Garage, 3. Tidy...
Homer[Ghost]: Woah, woah, woah, i'm just tryin' to get in, i'm not tryin' to run for Jesus. :D
Liam
lmao Liam ..... thats great :D
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.
- Mitch Hedberg
The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.
- Franklin P. Jones
All successful newspapers are ceaselessly querulous and bellicose. They never defend anyone or anything if they can help it; if the job is forced on them, they tackle it by denouncing someone or something else.
- HL Mencken
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin
Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
- Bertrand Russell
A facility for quotation covers the absence of original thought.
- Dorothy L. Sayers
"At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies."
- PG Wodehouse
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."
- Wendell Johnson
"Before a war military science seems a real science, like astronomy; but after a war it seems more like astrology."
] - Rebecca West
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
"I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow."
- Woodrow Wilson
"I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it."
- Terry Pratchett
"Never have children, only grandchildren."
- Gore Vidal
"Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature."
- Kin Hubbard
The point of living and of being an optimist, is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come.
- Peter Ustinov
It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor.
- Neil Gaiman
The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.
- Victor Borge
Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.
- Barry Switzer
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
- Robert Orben
Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible.
- Margaret Mead
Not to be absolutely certain is, I think, one of the essential things in rationality.
- Bertrand Russell
Lying increases the creative faculties, expands the ego, and lessens the frictions of social contacts.
- Clare Booth Luce
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- Steven Wright
I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
- George Burns
The least of learning is done in the classrooms.
- Thomas Merton
Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too.
- Lichty and Wagner
The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else, and this is a feeling that I have always cultivated.
- Oscar Wilde
A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during the time, and a courageous person afterward.
- Jean Paul Richter
I am just going outside and may be some time.
- Captain Lawrence Oates