The best definition I've heard for "mixed emotions:" Watching your mother-in-law drive your new Ferrari off a cliff...... :D
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The best definition I've heard for "mixed emotions:" Watching your mother-in-law drive your new Ferrari off a cliff...... :D
An Irishman was told by his friend to come to London because the streets are paved with gold.
"Hey Micky, come to London, you'll love it here. The streets are paved with gold."
So he comes to London. When he is walking out of Waterloo station for the first time in his life, he sees a 20-pound note lying on the ground. He bends down to pick it up but hesitates, straightens up and walks off, leaving it on the street as he thinks to himself, "What the hell, I'll start tomorrow."
Guy turns up at a building site driving a Rolls Royce and asks the foreman for a job. The foreman is at first reluctant considering the Rolls and Rolex etc. but finally gives the guy a job. Then the foreman asks, "How do you manage to drive a Rolls and wear an expensive watch and you're only a builder?"
"It’s because I take on silly bets,” says the man. "Would you like an example?"
"OK" says the foreman.
"I bet you one hundred pounds that you will have a hernia by 4 o'clock," bets the builder.
"That’s ridiculous. That’s like taking money from a child. You're on!" says the foreman as he retires to his office with his balls in his hands and sits in his chair to make sure that nothing happens. The builder comes by occasionally and checks that everything is all right. Meanwhile, the foreman is thinking that he has never come across such a jerk. This is the easiest money I have ever earned.
At 3.55, the builder comes to the foreman and sees that everything is still OK, "But," he says, "I'll have to check."
"OK” says the foreman. So the foreman pulls down his trousers and underpants and the builder places the foreman's balls on the tip of his trowel. He gently lifts the trowel and enquires if there is any pain. Nothing, so he lifts a bit higher and still no pain. As the 4.00 whistle blows, the builder gives in and hands the foreman his money.
"I don’t understand how you have an expensive car when you make such stupid bets. This is the easiest money I have ever earned," say the foreman pulling up his pants and stuffing the money in his pocket.
"Simple" says the builder. "I bet every man on the site 50 quid that I'd have your balls on a trowel by 4.00."
Rex
LOL, I think this can apply to my gf's mother as wellQuote:
Originally Posted by lgbpop
might be worth a Ferrari.., specially if it is insured
You know what insurance on a Ferrari costs? It would be cheaper to hire a hitman.
I can just see the mastercard commericial now
ferrari - $XXXXX
insurance - $XXXXX
getting rid of gf's mother and getting away with it - Priceless
Lol!
The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck.
She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look !" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less."
"And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services are pending.
THIS ONE "MAY" BE CENSORED---WELL, IT COULD BE BUT IT IS DEFINITELY A GOOD ONE--buf
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, AREN'T:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?
President Bush visits the Queen of England. Bush asks the Queen, "So what is secret to running a great country."
Queen: I surround myself with smart people. Bush: How do you know if they are smart.
Queen: I constantly test them, watch. The Queen then calls Tony Blair over and asks him a question to test his inteligence.
Queen: Prime Minister Blair can you answer a question for me please.
Blair: of course Queen.
Queen: If your mother has a child and the child is neither your brother or sister, then who is that child.
Blair: If its neither my sister or brother then the child is me.
Queen: That is correct Prime Minister Blair you may leave now. President Bush is impressed and returns to the White House. Bush decides to test his own staff and calls Donald Rumsfeld.
Bush: Rumsfeld, if your mother has a child and the child is not your brother or sister then who is the child. Rumsfeld is confused and asks his president for time to get back to him with the answer. Bush agrees. Rumsfeld calls a meeting to figure out the answer. No one at the meeting can figure out the answer so Rumsfeld phones Colin Powell and asks him the question. Colin Powell answers, "You thick idiot, if the child is neither my brother or sister then the child must be me." Rumsfeld is very happy he now has an answer and phones President Bush.
Rumsfeld: President Bush i have your answer. The answer is Colin Powell. Bush: No, you Twit, I can't believe you got it wrong. That's not the right answer. The correct answer is Tony Blair. :D
The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President George W. Bush to honor his first term achievements. Unfortunately, the Bush stamp was not sticking properly to envelopes. Enraged, President Bush demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, the special presidential commission made the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order; there is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive. People are spitting on the wrong side
Rex
:D ^^LOL Rex.
25 Things To Do BEFORE the Bush Inauguration:
1. Get that abortion you've always wanted.
2. Have coffee with your gay friends in a public place.
3. Cash a Social Security check.
4. See a doctor of your own choosing.
5. Spend quality time with your draft-age child/grandchild.
6. Visit Syria (or any foreign country, for that matter).
7. Get that gas mask you've been putting off buying.
8. Hoard gasoline.
9. Borrow books from library before they're banned - constitutional law books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Huckleberry Finn, etc.
10. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix...do it now.
11. Jam in all the stem cell research you can.
12. Stay out late before the curfews start.
13. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his "accident".
14. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.
15. Use the phrase "you can't do that - this is America".
16. Take a walk in Yosemite without being hit by a snowmobile or a base-jumper.
17. Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.
18. Start your school day without being forced to pray.
19. Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations.
20. Learn French.
21. Take a factory tour anywhere in the US.
22. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.
23. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.
24. Visit Alaska before "The Big Spill".
25. Visit Massachusetts while it is still a state.
Liam
Tips From Ghosts of Presidents Past
One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush asks: "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," W asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson advises.
Bush isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asks. Abe answers: "Go see a play." :p
George Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him.
"You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed.
"You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps.
"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"
The last to arrive is George Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
Bush looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."
Liam
Guess it's about the right time to show this idiot's quickness of the mouth when he spoke these words; words depicted in this cartoon that will never go away.
Well, the upload is too big to show the cartoon. His words on national TV was "Bring em On" when asked a question and the newspaper cartoonist painted a target on Bush's chest. Yep, he had his silly grin on his face when he said those words. Tis a shame the upload was too big!!!
Cheney and the Bushes on a Plane
Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy." :D
Ahem...
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Hillary Clinton were at a posh restaurant after a campaign appearance. When the waiter arrived to take their orders, VP Gore said "ladies first," and the waiter asked her entree: "The broiled lobster, please;" "Rice pilaf, french fries or pasta salad?" "rice, please;" "...and for the vegetables?" "They'll have the same, thank you."
When Clinton was president it was reputed that a wealthy Arab sheik had offered 40 goats and a bag of gold for Chelsea Clinton. Perplexed, Clinton turned to James Carville for advice on how to respond. Carville told him, "Hold out long enough and he might take Hillary too!"
This my attempt to now show the Bring em On cartoon that I attempted on Aug 21 (third one up).
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got
back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her
mother,
"So how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "The honeymoon
was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam
started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard
before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me
home..., PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with
your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful?
WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your
mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
Nag, Nag, Nag :D
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged
him unmercifully. From morning till night (and
sometimes later), she was always complaining about
something. The only time he got any relief was when
he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to
plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife
brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old
mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began
to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began
nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind
feet,caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed
something rather odd. When a woman mourner would
approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute,
then nod his head in agreement; but when a man
mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute,
then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old
farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to
the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and
agreed with the women, but always shook his head and
disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would
come up and say something about how nice my wife
looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of what is believed to be the heaviest chemical element yet known to science.
The new element has been named Governmentium.
Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium caused one reaction to take 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, governmentium mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.
The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.
The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.
The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, "Come on you little git, spit it out!"
As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.
Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine,
"If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"
Liam
Blind Man in Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!" :D
The Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So....you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from
God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. "Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Women can be evil. Don't mess with us
Subject: Health Questions & Answers
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saving you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
___________________
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable products.
____________________________________
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
____________________________________
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
____________________________________
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
____________________________________
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
____________________________________
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
____________________________________
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
____________________________________
Q: Is swimming good for your fig ure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
____________________________________
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
____________________________________
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
All you need to know to get through life, as advised by Homer Simpson:
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and
kids with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if
you had an electrified fooling machine."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is
important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except
the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now
quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's
problems!"
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city,
keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would
explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
"I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get
you through life:
Number one, 'Cover for me.'
Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'"
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear
Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the
time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well,
good night."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you
win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't -
it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil
wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in
every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy
who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all
those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody
laughin', did you?"
"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're
making a scene.'"
Liam
A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and
witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we
always have long names, while the white men have
shorter names - Bob, Don, Tex or Sam, for example?"
His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a
symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the
white men, who live all together and repeat their names
from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our
makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic
Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was
conceived, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the
Prairies, because he was conceived on a day that the
big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the
world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our
capacity to live and the life force of our people.
It's very simple and easy to understand.
Do you have any other questions, Little Broken
Condom Made in China?
A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the
famous Chinese detective (Chen Lee), to watch and report any
activities while he was gone.
A few days later, he received this report:
MOST HONOURABLE SIRE
YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE
HE COME TO HOUSE
I WATCH
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE
I FOLLOW
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL
I CLIMB TREE
I LOOK IN WINDOW
HE KISS SHE
SHE KISS HE
HE STRIP SHE
SHE STRIP HE
HE PLAY WITH SHE
SHE PLAY WITH HE
I PLAY WITH ME
I FALL OFF TREE
I NOT SEE
NO FEE
CHEN LEE
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to
convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish
community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious
debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won,
they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to
represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian
and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be
a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that
Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.
The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that
there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I
waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How
did you win the debate?" they asked. "I haven't a clue," said
Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of
Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole
country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying
right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out
mine."
It's Football Season
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like... Hellooooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!”
https://discussions.virtualdr.com/im...2005/09/14.jpg
:rolleyes: :D
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand
new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world,
and
it
costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to
him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of
car ya got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million
dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man.
"Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young
dude proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the
window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man
says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right .. but I'll stick with my
Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man
just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the
speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be
going
faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas
and
passes the moped at 275 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his
mirror
and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and
takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later,
he
sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out,
and
there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing
the
rear end. The young man stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old
man is still alive.
He run up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there
anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers "Unhook ..... my…….suspenders ... from .. your
...side ... mirror.
Simpsons Quotes:
Bart: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man... (laughs, then pauses) So, to answer you question, I don't know.
Marge: Homer! There's someone here who can help you...
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist?!
Marge: It's not Batman!
Homer: Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how!
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Homer: [drunk] Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.
Ralph: [whispering] Lisa, what's the answer to number seven?
Lisa: [whispering] Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.
Ralph: [pauses] My cat's name is Mittens
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible.
Bart: Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called ... "The Bus That Couldnt Slow Down."
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Homer: Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
Homer: Homer no function beer well without.
Chief Wiggum on phone: Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA.
Marge: Oh my god! He's dead?
Chief Wiggum: Oh, I'm sorry. He was DUI. I get those two confused. (hangs up phone)
Woman walks in: My name is Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband was DUI?
Chief Wiggum: Uh... talk to one of those officers over there. I'm going to lunch.
Liam
Returning home from work, a young blonde lady was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the young lady ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."
Stark Naked Grannies!
A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw 9 old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer he realized that they were all stark naked.
He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were 9 naked old ladies laying in the sun on the front lawn.
The director said, "Yes" and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.
There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.
And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.
Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.
"Shawn, said Pat, can you hear me?"
Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."
Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"
"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.
"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.
"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.
"It's a very old bottle now, you know," urged Pat.
"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.
"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?" :eek:
Redneck Engineering Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?
Liam
Shows how much you Britons know...a '58 Plymouth Savoy (or Fury) will rust faster than all three of those combined!
P.S.: the extra credit answer is--the rust starts above the headlights and goes down from there. :D
Ease up lgbpop, it's only a joke. It "sounds like" you have had trouble with the '58 Plymouth Fury and rust.Quote:
Originally Posted by lgbpop
Incidentally, rust does not necessarily start with the headlights!! It can start anywhere that the metal has been "opened" as a result of an accident OR where water has a place to collect, I think. And it is even worse if the car is located near the ocean or where salt is in the air.
BTW, Jacksonville, Fl has been referred to as the Rust Capital of the world.
Buf, I said that firmly tongue-in-cheek with a big grin on my face, don't worry! Was only pulling Liam's leg a little. Never had a '58 Plymouth. (My first car was a '65 Corvair convertible.) I'm a car nut from way back...the '58 Plymouths (and Fords, too) both had to make hasty design changes to incorporate the new quad headlights for that year, and they left out the inner fenders to save time. Front wheels literally bathed the headlamp buckets every time it rained or snowed, that's where they always rusted first. ;)