Anyone heard any new jokes lately?

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden !!

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.

After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes Sir", replied the young feller," But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"...

More quotes....

1) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself ............Mark Twain

2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. .............Winston Churchill

3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. ...........George Bernard Shaw

4) A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. ............G Gordon Liddy

5) Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. ..........James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

6) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. ............Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown Univ

7) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys .............P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

8) Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. .........Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

9) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it; If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. ......Ronald Reagan (1986)

10) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. ...............Will Rogers

11) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. .......P.J. O'Rourke

12) In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. ...........Voltaire (1764)

13) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. ..........Pericles (430 B.C.)

14) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. .........Mark Twain (1866)

15) Talk is cheap ... except when Congress does it. .........Unknown

16) The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. ...........Ronald Reagan

17) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. .........Winston Churchill

18) The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. ........Mark Twain

19) The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. .........Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

20) There is no distinctly native American criminal class ... save Congress. ...........Mark Twain

21) What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. ............Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

22) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have..........Thomas Jefferson

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I
have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in
and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies
the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble
these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Take a second, I want you to relax. Let's have
a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed,"...let's put all these Frosted
Flakes back in the box.

Canadian Immigration Test

Mujibar was trying to get into Canada legally through Immigration. The
Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed most of the required tests, but
there is one more compulsory test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter
Canada."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up,
and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighbourhood near you, and works at a Dell computers help desk.

ASTROLOGY
Two blondes were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other:" Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helllloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????

>CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,
"What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor".
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

>SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

>KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

>BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,
"We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the
moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked ! at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

>IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled
the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are
in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a
time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

>FINALLY

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was
named Rolex and one was named Timex. ! Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellllloooooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs."

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services are pending

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all tried out for the same job as road
stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever
painted the most would get the job. At the end of the first day, the redhead
had painted three miles, the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had
painted 10 miles . The boss was so excited he told her to keep it up and the
job was hers. The next day, the redhead painted five miles and the brunette 5.6
miles and the blonde four miles he told her not to worry you still have a good
lead. So, on the third day the redhead had painted six miles, the brunette five
miles and the blonde only one mile. The boss was so disappointed, he asked the
blonde, "What went wrong, you were doing so well?" She said, "Well, that
bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away."


A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years,
they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and
sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give
out three wishes, you may each have one" So the brunette goes first, "I
have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and
my life - I just want to go home." POOF, she is gone. The redhead
makes her wish, "This place sucks, I want to go home too." POOF, she
is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks,
"What is the matter?" The blonde said, "I wish my friends were here."



A blonde woman was standing at the pop machine; she put in her
money and pressed the Coke button and out came a can of Coke.
She looked at it and smiled. She took out a dollar, put it in the
pop machine pressed the 7-Up button and out came a can of 7-Up.
She looked at it and really started smiling. She put in the change
from her dollar and pressed the Coke button again, out came another
can of Coke. Then she was just beaming!

There was a man standing there watching her, and he finally went
up to her and said, "What are you doing?" She looked at him and
said, "Duh, I'm winning!"


I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

Dear Redneck Son;
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so
we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family
that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they
wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it
works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and
haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time
for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would
be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and
put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because
it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet
so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your
brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he
burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already
sealed.

You Might Be A Redneck If . . .

. . . you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis45’s.

. . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.

. . . you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.

. . . you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

. . . that billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.

. . . your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

. . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date.

. . . your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

. . . you’ve got more than three cousins named “Bubba”.

Maybe slightly off topic (themewise) but funny nontheless. I thought, in light of a recent publication on cleaning keyboards, it was timely to bump up an old post that my father kinda drew in the crowd so to speak. I know, John, you tend to delete, close threads, that are "out there," but I think this one is an exception, and I won't monkey around anymore (but you are more than welcome to move the thread here or as you see approperate:

http://discussions.virtualdr.com/showthread.php?t=5747

I think the funniest stories are the true ones.

Maybe some of use could get together and produce a PDF/book of the funniest but true threads (just a thought.)

Friendly Regards,

Jason Page

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.


After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere
you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the bobby, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

Tonto and the Lone Ranger were bedding down for the evening, out on the high plains. The ranger looked at Tonto and said, " Tonto, look up and tell me what you see". Tonto did so, and replied, " Me see night sky, Kemosabe."
"No Tonto," the Ranger replied, " I want you to look again, and tell me what you really see." Tonto looked again, and responded, " Well Kemosabe, in astronomical terms, me see billions of stars, and millions of galaxies. In astrological terms, me see moon in Saturn's fifth house. In meterological terms, me see great day tomorrow. What you see?"
The ranger replied, "Tonto you idiot! Somebody stole our tent!"

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He
awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic
hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like
to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied,
in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the
bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I
only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother in law."

DEAR JOHN LETTER The ultimate response to a Dear John letter...You
gotta love a man like this!!!! Humor in the face of defeat.
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a
letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept
with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.
AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to
his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.
He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his
girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send
the rest back."