-
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity
in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do
it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****!!, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill! My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano! Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting *****-faced.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. b**ch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava-like substance to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: [fart.wav]
-
Damn, that chili was hot!!!
Here's reason to send more women to the front lines:
CIA VACANCY
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.
These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of
testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered
for the position. After sending some applicants through the background
checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2
men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the
extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your
wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious!
I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this
job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find
your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and
went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.
The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot
her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not
the right man for the job."
"No" the CIA man replied, "you don't have what it takes. Take your wife
and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the
same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure
that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this
is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair.
Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed
all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another
for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard
screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several
minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the
woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the
gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
-
December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season
and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window
watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma
Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a
more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever
had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I
did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came
along
and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel
again. What a perfect life.
December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment.
My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white
Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow
by the
end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think
that's
possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped
-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,
but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the
life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I
didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll
certainly get
back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.
I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour,
which I think was very cruel.
December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess
I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it
when
she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living
room.
December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff
last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddang snowplow came by
twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
around
to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another
shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or
the
city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches
of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt
till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel
and
then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed
again, I
was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck
for
the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk
is
lying.
December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted
me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she
nuts!!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I
think
she's lying.
December 24 - 6." Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch
who
drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow by his butt and
beat
him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner
and
waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a
100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight
the
wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but
I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25 - Merry friggen Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I
hate
the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I
hit
him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude.
I
think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful
Life" one
more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26 - Moving here was all HER idea. She's really getting on my
nerves.
December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. Plumber
came
after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to
replace
all my pipes.
December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving
me crazy!!!
December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could
cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think
I
am?
December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver and he is
now
suing me for a million dollars not only for the beating I gave him but
also
for
trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his rear.The wife went home
to her
mother. 9" predicted.
December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.
January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
-
locks and loads.... err .rocky toad?..errr damned it.. I'll just get the damned conventional chocolate half gallon!
Hehehhhhhh :) you have to admit we're no that stupid not to post. )((***^%**$*$.. huh monster? says thats a double negative. Who says you can't teach a monster grammar!
mmmmm.. mach :D
-
Blow it out your ass, NickGrana and Prophet the Surrender Monkey. Take your anti-American sewage to the IndyMedia where it belongs.
-
Anti-American?
You should take a look at the Constitution of the United States of America.
Nowhere does it say I have to agree with you or Saddam or your President even though I wouldn't mind partying with Bush, he's clearly an incompetent Statesman and won't win the Nobel Peace Prize anytime in his life.
You Sir, are the Anti-American.
-
I'm not going to address a Jimmy Carter groupie. Take your trash out of this forum. End of story.
-
That all being said I think it's time to put this one to rest, :( BJ
