And Rover didn't think my old jalopy would burn rubber taking off from a stand-still. He couldn't see how far behind I left those guys---he had a problem of his own. :D
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And Rover didn't think my old jalopy would burn rubber taking off from a stand-still. He couldn't see how far behind I left those guys---he had a problem of his own. :D
I know I have seen this before---just hope you haven't. Have a laugh. Something about "drunk" jokes that tickle me :D
Lena was in bed with her lover, Sven, when she heard Ole's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."
Sure enough, Ole lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to Lena: "Hey, der are six feet in dis bed. Der shud only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said Lena, "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. "You can see better from over there."
Ole climbed out of bed and counted. "One, too, tree, four. Damn, you're right."
lmaooooo @ Train and Buf...... those were great :D
Mis--diagnosis
Two medical students were walking down the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend:"I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome.Those people walk just like that."
The other student says:"No, I don't think so.The old man sure has Zovitzki Syndrome.He walks just like we learned in class".
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.They approached him and one of the students said to him,"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we can't agree on the Syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said:"I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."
One of the students said:"I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said:"You thought...but, you're wrong.
"
Then the other student said:"I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man again says:"You thought...but you are also wrong."
So they asked him:"Well,what do you have?"
And the old man said:"I thought it was GAS...but I was wrong".
Crystal Ball
Rich is trying to sell a computerized crystal ball he's recently invented to a marketing executive, but the executive is very skeptical.
Rich says, 'Go ahead and type a question into the crystal ball.'
The executive types, 'Where is my father?'
The crystal ball answers, 'Your father is fishing in Michigan.'
The executive says to Rich, 'I knew this was bull****. My father's been dead for twenty years.'
The inventor says, 'Ask the question in a different way.'
The executive types in, 'Where is my mother's husband?'
The computer answers, 'Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout.'
Aging process in women
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Gary. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part- time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....
Signed,
Gary
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Gary died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his a**, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it.
:D:D
Poppy,
LOVED that one!!
GGrrrip I knew I would hear from you on that one....:D
Glad you liked it...:)
Oh yeah, that one will make my e-mail list :D
Thanks for sharing it :)
Yer welcum GG...:)
VOCABULARY SPIN
Hope this hasn't been in here before :)
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
Quote:
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
Classic ...... just classic! ....... Love it!! :D
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA mag azines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammo. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside
This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
That may if they can read.
hehe Train.... you have a point there ;)
A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure aint!" said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep" was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope"
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
https://discussions.virtualdr.com/im.../2007/10/6.gif That's hysterical!! :D
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each
other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was
handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to
the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
Oh for goodness sake... laugh, or at least groan.
Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Oh yeah, I know I'll hear something about this groaner....) :rolleyes:
Yikes.....that was so bad, it was good.
:D
...and here's one that's just as bad:
An guy was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." The guy bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The guy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the guy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The guy said, "Look, I'm an very busy person and I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
HA HA! I like it :)
GG: a 1 to 10, that gets a 0 ZERO. Ain't never swept together. You coulda at least warned us!!
The frog ain't much better; just more profitable for the guy. (No telling how many had kissed that frog before and diseases are passed that way!!! UGH.)
The Pharmacist
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
>Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this
morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even
answer the phone."
> > Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and
demand an apology.
> Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
failed
> > to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and
hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with
both
house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
> "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I
was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
> > "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to
open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people,
all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
> > He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the
phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash
drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of
perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
> "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer.
> > And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the
“Chicken Surprise”
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the
pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes
looking around before the lid slams back down.
“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband.
He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for
it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes
looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is
happening, and demands an explanation.
“Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”
The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise.”
Ahh… so sorry,” says the waiter, “I bring you Peeking Duck”
Quote:
Originally Posted by buf
Quote:
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.
Buf - Hrmph! See above!
:p :p
buf's jealous. :)
Those are all great!!!
....... swept together..... still laughing about that one https://discussions.virtualdr.com/im.../2008/10/3.gif
LGB - Dare I ask? What's he jealous of? :D
CB - It's sooo corny you have to laugh :)
It is ..... I love it :D
Reminds me of the one where the husband comes home and sees his wife in standing in the kitchen holding the broom.
He looks at her and says...... Taking off or just landed? ------ He was never heard from again
:D
That he didn't post those groaners first. :DQuote:
LGB - Dare I ask? What's he jealous of?
Ahhhhhh, gotcha. :D
Not a new one...in fact I posted this once upon a time on the Mach2 Show. Etiquette night. [BTW..where is he?]
-------------------
One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons.It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off.
Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.
"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.
"God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister,smiling and continuing his sermon.
Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.
He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your a**!
Marina,
Listening to Neil Young...Down by the river...I shot my baby......
that's a good one!! :D
Surely this is buried somewhere in the dark recesses of the mind but it still draws a laugh; maybe two!!
A local senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-99, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Pennsylvania State Police Cruiser behind him, red & blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Pennsylvania State Trooper. Hell Officer, I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper as he returned to his cruiser smiling!!.
HAYYY lgbpop...due ya want me to starttt my specials.... :p ;) :eek:Quote:
Originally Posted by lgbpop
OL BAT says HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII ;)
S & M
One day a mother was cleaning her son's room and under the bed, she found a bondage/S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting to her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and then showed it to the boy's father...
The father looked at it and handed it back to her without a word...
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
"Well," said the dad, "I don't think you should spank him."
LOL @ your last joke Buf :D
HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.
HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.
HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?
HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?
HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.
HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.
HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Rofl!! :D
igual--I am most happy to say that I "didn't get" your joke and I do believe I dodged a bullet. :D