Oh, how true. :)
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Oh, how true. :)
I like that one.Quote:
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
My personal favorite -
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am. While his coffeepot ( MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor ( MADE IN HONG KONG ). He put on a dress shirt ( MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans ( MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes ( MADE IN KOREA ). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet ( MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator ( MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch ( MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio ( MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car ( MADE IN GERMANY ) (filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia ) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN J O B . At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia ), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals ( MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine ( MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV ( MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in A M E R I C A.
That's too true to be funny.
Although when you see Joe, I do have a suggestion for him. Start an import business.
THIS ONE IS VERY FUNNY:
THE COUNTRY MINISTER
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeraldirector to hold
a grave-side
service for a homeless man, with no family or
friends, who had died while
traveling through the area. The funeral was to be
held at a cemetery way back
in the country, and this man would be the first to
be laid to rest there. As
I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I
became lost; and being a
typical man did not stop for directions. I finally
arrived an hour late. I saw
the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but
the hearse was nowhere in
sight. I apologized to the workers for my
tardiness, and stepped to the side
of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid
already in place. I assured the
workers I would not hold them long, but this was
the proper thing to do. The
workers gathered around, still eating their lunch!
I poured out my heart
and soul.
As I preached the workers began to say "Amen,"
"Praise the Lord," and
"Glory," I preached, and I preached, like I'd never
preached before:
from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed
the lengthy service with a
prayer and walked to my car. I felt I had done my
duty for the homeless man
and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense
of purpose and dedication,
in spite of my tardiness.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I
overheard one of the
workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen
anything like this before .
. . and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a drink, they talk
about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar? The
woman shakes her head no.
Kin ya breathe? The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his
table.
His partner says,Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seed nobody do it! :D
Good one stewart, im merging this & your other one into the big joke thread we have going, keeps things a little neater. BJ
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"...........
PARENT - Job Description
If it had been presented this way, none of us would have done it!!!!
POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an,
often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour
shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments
in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier
duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least
temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue
repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and
be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this
time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small
gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must
screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of
multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize
social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be
willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must
handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap,
plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the
best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of the end product! Responsibilities also
include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without
complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that
those in your charge can ultimately surpass you!
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon
payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college
will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give
them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme
is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this
job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs
for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for
everything they do on a daily basis, and let them know they are
appreciated
buf has to ask: Is CRAWFORD in South Texas?? Now read the joke!!
Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through
life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college
and sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who
signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a
yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that
you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a
wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that
because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet
Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math,
English, history, and logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a *****."
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender looks at him and says "I'm sorry, I can't serve your kind."
Mushroom looks at him and says, "why not, I'm a fungi!"
no,no,no,no!Quote:
Originally Posted by coops
thats just bad! :p
yes John it is bad :rolleyes:
but it is one of my wife's favourites so i hear it quite often.